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Who should I tell first?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Bossanova, Jul 16, 2015.

  1. Bossanova

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    Hi everyone... I am a (very) new user here on EC, but from just the two threads I've read so far, I knew I wanted to join immediately. So first, I want to say thank you to you all. Thank you everyone, and please, I need advice. :help:

    I am 16, male, and I am gay. Only one person knows about my sexual preference, but I am tired. Tired of hiding. Tired of lies. Tired of crying at night with no one to comfort me. I am tired of being scared of the reactions I'll receive. All I want is for those around me to understand that I am gay. I want desperately out of this hell of a closet.

    For three years now, I have lived telling lies, and always afraid. I have tried to come out of the closet before, but I lacked the resolve to do so; however, recent events have given me the courage to do just that, come out as gay.

    Currently, only one other person is aware of my predicament, and I am so thankful to all they have done for me, I would be a fool to try and express it in words. My goal is for those around me to know I am gay, and so I plan on telling them very soon. My question for you all is this: Who around me, should I tell first?

    Choices:

    1.) My immediate family. Includes:
    - My mother- I believe she would be okay with it, but also fear she will call it "just a phase." And if I tell her, she will immediately tell my dad, who is the hardest one to tell.
    - My stepfather- He is very religious. I am scared to tell him because I have no idea if he'll accept me, but at the same time, he stepped into my 5 children, single mother family. Not many men have what it takes to step into a family and become the father figure. I know he loves us all with his whole heart (which he tells me often), so I also feel that he might accept me, but not my beliefs.
    - My brother- My brother and I are not on the best of terms. We are greatly different, and almost never see eye to eye. As such, I know very little about his beliefs, and have no idea if he'll accept me. I do know however, that if I were to tell him, he wouldn't tell anyone else without permission. He is very trustworthy, but we do not get along very often.
    - My sister- I know as a matter of fact that my sister would be the most supportive of my immediate family. She recently attended the Pride movement with a lesbian friend of hers, and she would not only accept me for who I am, but be happy I confided in her; however, I also know she would be unable to not tell everyone else. She would immediately tell my mother, who in turn will tell my dad and other siblings.
    - If I do tell my family first, should a I tell them all at once, individually, parents first, siblings first?

    2.) My friend group. (11 people excluding me)
    - I feel that for the large part, my friends will understand and support me. I also know that if asked, they would not tell a soul. The part that I don't like, is that I know that some of them will feel awkward about it. I am not sexually or romantically attracted to any of my friends, but some are still bound to be awkward toward me after that, at least for a little while until the shock wears off.
    -If I should tell my friends first, should I tell all 11 at once, individually, groups of 2-3?

    Please help me to figure out who I should tell first. Thank you for any and all advice.:slight_smile:
     
  2. Silver Sparrow

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    Hi Bossanova,
    First off, welcome to EC!
    There is no "right" answer when it comes to coming out. I know that when I began coming out, all I wanted was for someone to make me an itinerary. However, coming out is something hugely personal. Only you can decide who to come out and when. Taking it at your own pace is always a good idea- no one should force you out before you are ready.
    It's great that you have friends and some family members who would be supportive of you. I always often come out in little doses at a time, but some people feel best if they come out to a larger group at once.

    Ultimately, it's up to you.
     
  3. 50ishandout

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    Bossanova being much older than you I can tell you the anxiety is the same. Will my family reject me? Will my friends reject me? Will those we care about the most reject me?

    What I can tell you is NO. Your family will love you. You friends will support you. Those you care about the most will love you.

    It's a much better world for you young Gay guys. I only wish it was the same world when I was your age, my life may have been so much happier.

    Live YOUR LIFE. ENJOY. Make every day a GREAT ONE.
     
  4. Bossanova

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    Thank you thank you thank you thank you both so much! I really appreciate the advice, it really does help. :hug:

    I was thinking about it constantly for the rest of the night, and I decided that small groups like what Silver mentioned would be easier for me to tell. I am very close to three of my friends, and I've decided I want to tell them first. I know it might be a little awkward for them, but I am sure that they will all support me and quickly get over any shock.

    Thank you for the words 50ishandout. It really does help. :smile:

    Thank you both again! I can't express how much I have felt since joining EC. In such a short time, I have related to several other users and their situation. Even reading the comments on their wall seemed like it was advice being given for me. Thank you! :hug:
     
  5. 50ishandout

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    You have a great life ahead of you. ENJOY IT.
     
  6. Bossanova

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    Thank you, and best of luck to you. :slight_smile:
     
  7. Bossanova

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    Myself, and three good friends of mine are going to the mall this Thursday. I plan on coming out to them while we are there, and then continue spending the rest of our time there like we always would to show that I am still the same person, just gay. Ahhhh! I'm so nervous! But I should be because it is an important event! :icon_bigg
     
  8. 50ishandout

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    Do update after.
     
  9. Bossanova

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    Will do! ^_^
     
  10. Bossanova

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    :thumbsup:

    My three friends, took it wonderfully. :slight_smile:

    Two were really shocked at first, but they even told me that they were happy I was able to tell them. My third friend took it awesomely. He helped to make them feel a little less shocked by keeping the conversation flowing about other topics too, which also really helped to take some of the spotlight off me, which was awesome. :slight_smile:

    All three were fine with it. They had a few questions, but they were just ones like, how long did you know?

    I'm really really happy at the way the took it. Even after I told them, we were able to keep talking about the stuff we like, as we have always done. I am glad I choose to do it in the mall, so that they'd see that I'm the same person because we'd hang out like we always do.

    I'm so happy three of my friends know, it makes me feel so relieved. :slight_smile: and they promised me they wouldn't tell our other friends, because I want to tell them myself. I am also planning on telling my family this weekend, while we are out of state. I hope to get the chance to sit down in a restaurant or something so that we can sit down and talk, and then I'll tell them. But, I don't know if I'll get the opportunity to tell them or not.

    TL;DR - They were completely fine with it, and we kept on hanging out like we've always done, nothing's changed. They only thing that has changed, is that I now feel leaps and bounds better than I did yesterday and every day for the past 3 years. :slight_smile:

    (P.S. - I told them like this: "We have to get something straight. I'm not," and then my friend Dan made a joke the same time I said "I'm not," which actually helped to soften the shock. :slight_smile:)