I was outed and falsely accused, I could out him back. Should I?

Wow, my friend. That sounds like a lot on your plate, and I'm sure the concept of revenge sounds pretty damn sweet right now. I would not blame you if you went right ahead and outed this guy. He basically ruined your life. Right?

But listen. This is really important, okay? There are these moments in life where you're tripped and you have to get up and dust yourself off and hold your head high. You can't get mad that someone tripped you and go and trip them back. Think about how all of this made you feel. Think about how much it hurt, how scared you were, the scandal of it. Think about losing your friends because of what he did.

And I'm sure it makes you angry, I really don't blame you. But can you honestly take responsibility for causing that in someone else's life? The way this sounds, it seems like this guy is struggling a lot to figure out who he is. And he took you down with him. The point here is to be the better person, and let him look back at what he did to you and feel awful for it. The moment you do the same thing, you stoop to his level. And unless you want to stomp around in the mud with him, I don't think you should.

What I think you should do is to approach him distantly, and honestly. In front of others, in person. Not over social media or text or a phone call. In front of other people. And I think you should ignore when people get upset. And you should tell him how his tantrum ruined so much of your life to his face. And you should cry and let him see that his inability to get his shit together hurt you.

Then, you should hold your head up high, make no insult, and walk away. Be done with it. Walk like you could brush him off your shoes like dust. Be stronger. Be better. Let him stew in what he's done.

But you should, by no means, take revenge and out him. That's cruel to do. You know that. You know better.

---------- Post added 17th Jul 2015 at 02:58 PM ----------

Also, I'd like to wish you good luck. And if you ever need to rant or talk to someone who's willing to listen, you can drop a message on my wall. This sounds like it really sucks, and if you need a friend, I can be that.

 

It feels like shit.
To be treated like that. To be betrayed. Told that you are what is wrong with someone else and shown that because you were open and loving that you should be punished. And I RECOGNIZE THAT.

But please don't hurt him.

I think that the advice to confront him (I personally say talk to him. Not confront. But. Semantics) In person is a good choice.
Sevan is right. He is scared. Probably so tossed around that it makes him freak out and panic when asked about his sexuality.

And he very well genuinely believe that he was raped. By the technical definition. it's complete and utter lies. I get that too. I'd want to out the guy. In fact. My testosterone would probably scream at me to fight him. But that's petty and it won't very likely get you anywhere.

So here's what I say.

Talk to him. Explain that you're sorry that any of it happened if that wasn't what he wanted. That you never meant to pressure him except to help him find who he was. That no matter what he is or likes you accept him and that includes straight.
And mean it. Because I believe you probably DO accept him. Just not what he did. And you're probably angry as hell.

But secondly you need to tell him that, yeah, he ruined your life. And depending on your preferred language of apology you should somehow express to him that while he may feel unsure of what happened that you never intended to treat him like meat or control him or force anything that you didn't think he might enjoy.
And that what he DID to YOU deserves to be recognized.
He ruined your life.
But that's it. No need to get mad or push that point. Just. Leave.

That is what I, in a moment of clarity, would do.

You are valuable and he should recognize that.
However, he is, despite his awful behavior, also really important. So as long as yu both recognize one another as himan beings with real and valid feelings I don't think that things will suck for very long. School is short. Life is long. And you will be accepted by newer better friends as life continues forth.
Don't invalidate your own life because someone else feels it is worth destroying. You are worth it.




I second that, by the way. If you need to rant, I have a history of anger and coping with Wanting to act on it takes skill, so I am here to help if you want it.

 

No. Don't out him. I know it's hard and I know that your thirst for some form of revenge is probably almost unquenchable at the moment, but trying to quench it will likely only result in further retaliation, and you really don't want a full-scale war on your hands.

Both repliers above me are right. It would ultimately be foolish to do anything inflammatory at the moment. This guy is either very confused about his own sexual orientation (and there's nothing you can do about that, I'm afraid), or he is in denial. By what you've written, it may be a combination of both.

It might be a good idea to approach him and talk things out. If you do, it will be awkward. You may get into a heated argument. But please, please keep a level head. It will very likely be hard, considering everything that he's done to you, but you simply must. You will have to stay calm, and I'm sorry, but to do anything inflammatory really is an unwise move - and I'm not saying just now, I mean ever.

This guy might know he screwed you over; then again, he might not. But it is almost essential that you remain the more mature one, no matter what happens, no matter what he says.

You want to get revenge, and as long as your plans don't become a reality, that's fine. Everyone wants to get revenge at some point and it's very understandable that you do now. And I realise I have no control over you whatsoever, but try to express to him just how deep the hurt goes. Because it does go deep, you state that very clearly. Every single negative thing he's done to you should be brought up, because it's a big deal when someone you thought you trusted ruins your life.

If he laughs, if he is derogatory in any way, leave. Just leave. Don't get mad in front of him, that'll only push it. Just leave and be by yourself and then let it all out. Just get the heck out of there before you do anything inflammatory.

But you are both human beings. Never forget that. You are both humans with valid emotions, and he needs to recognise that. If he can't, or if he won't, that is not your problem.

I wish you the very best of luck in sorting this out, and if you need to rant some more, you are more than welcome to leave a message on my wall. Keep your head high and soldier on, you will get through this.

 

Being Outted sucks when it's such a negative situation. I have a friend who is in his 60's who was Outted back in his late 20's. Eons ago, it wasn't a good situation. Not as bad as yours. However still not good. He still talks about and how much he was hurt by being Outted.

Today he very successful in the legal community and is married to a great guy. So my conclusion is although it may suck today the future will get better.

You have a long life ahead of you. Enjoy it.

 

What he did is so disgusting, honestly I don't know what to say. Someone threatened to out me a little while back and it is horrible. I am so sorry that you had to go through this. He sounds like a horrible person.

That being said I suggest that you don't out him though, you are better than that and you don't need to stoop to his level, you are better than that! Just make sure that you don't allow him to talk you back into his life. People like that will do things like that and then in a couple months or so will try and convince you to go back and trust them again. Ignore it and do not give him the time of day, it's hard but it has to be done for yourself. Remember this doesn't define you, keep you chin up dude!