Hey there, so as you can see in my little info box over there, I'm both pansexual and genderfluid. And I'm still in the closet about both of them, except to 2 very close friends (only one friend about my gender). It would be an understatement to say that my mom and I have a bad relationship. We pretty much hate each other. She has threatened to abandon me many times and the only reason she sticks around is because she doesn't want to admit to her family that she "failed" in raising me. She is a conservative Catholic; I'm an atheist. We disagree on everything, but even though as a person I hate her, she's still my mom, and I know that deep down I still want her to accept me. My mom has a gay brother, and for that reason only she KIND OF accepts gay men, but she hates lesbians (double standard I know) and she thinks that bisexuals are just confused. She thinks trans people are sex perverts (don't even ask, I have no idea how that makes sense) and I am 100% positive that she has no clue what non-binary identities are. Also, I call her the queen of gender stereotypes, because she is always yelling things at me like "How can you be so messy, you're even a GIRL" and I just want to scream at her BECAUSE I AM NOT ALWAYS A GIRL. She thinks it's stupid when men cry and she says that girls have to have kids and stay at home and all that crap (even though she herself has a job... she's quite hypocritical as well). I was planning on talking about each of my family members in this post, but it is already quite long, so I commend you if you've made it this far. Besides, my mom is the one person I'm most concerned about. Anyway, what I'm really asking is, how could I possibly tell either of these things to her? She won't know what pansexual is, though I suppose I could just say I was bi so she'd understand. And genderfluid, I have no idea how to get that conversation started. By the way, if I ever say anything she doesn't like, she starts screaming really loud and refuses to listen to what I have to say. She will shriek at the top of her lungs like a child just to drown out whatever I'm trying to tell her (we have gotten numerous complaints from neighbors about it) so how can I explain this when I know she probably won't even let me speak? I'm also terrified that she will out me to my friends as revenge. That seems horrible, but I honestly wouldn't put it past her. Maybe I just shouldn't tell her at all. Thanks for reading; sorry I wrote a novel there.
Hello! I don't know how old you are, so I guess my advice kind of varies depending on that. If you no longer attend school: I don't know your mother, so I can't really give you a straight answer on this one. Does she seem like the kind of person who would kick you out? If so, and you really feel the need to come out to her, talk to your friends and make sure you have a place to stay if such a thing happens. I know some people who have even packed a suitcase before they've come out, just in case they are kicked out. If you are still in school: Summer is coming to an end. Once the year starts back up, talk to your school counselor about your situation. I know lots of people feel a little scared to do this, but it really helps. They won't turn you down, it's their job to make kids feel safe. Hopefully they will give you some good advice. Until then, just hang in there. Hope this helps you! Good luck
Well. OK. Kudos to you for recognizing that the way she handles things is less than ideal. Childish. I expect that your fights with her are also probably less than compassionate. To me she sounds like she needs to be understood more than she needs to understand things most of the time. And that IF you ever want to come out to her that you may have to say to her that you understand her opinions but that sometimes opinions differ and that you feel that you are exactly and solidly and confidently exactly what you claim to be. That being said it seems very important to come out. It feels like that to me right now. Like I need to tell everyone I'm Trans. But I also know that I don't. And that I could cause more problems. Especially where I work. The military, however, might be less forgiving than your mother. So. Your mom might be one of those people who just. Won't understand. But clearly her love of family is enough to make her understand. To make her second guess herself. I don't mean to be rude but she sounds like someone In my family who has aspergers. Things are required to fit in a hole. No matter what. But if that rigid image of how "THINGS SHOULD BE" hurts her family she is willing to nullify it to an extent. Learning is hard. It's not easy to get immediate recognition from her when you try to teach her something new. So. Maybe your mom is the same. It sinks in but takes a while? Not that she is mentally the same!!!!! Hahaha I don't mean to imply that. anyway. I think you should ask your uncle how he came out to her and if he has any advice. Try to be discrete and accepting of his own biases if he has any and just remember that you're not alone. I'm still not out I'm a pansexual transgender at 22. I have two kids a wife and I work with men all day who don't have a clue I might be attracted to them. Life is what it is. Sometimes you have to plan for the future.
@TobaccoFlower Wow, first I have to thank you for taking the time to address each of my points. I really do appreciate it. That's interesting, I never considered the fact that my mom may have asperger's, but it does sort of make sense. Me and some other members of our family have tried to get her to try therapy, but she gets angry and refuses to talk about it. Anyway, I'm getting off topic now... I will try being patient with her. Hopefully if I can introduce information to her gradually it will slowly sink in, as you said. Asking my uncle would be a great idea, I can't believe I didn't think to talk to him. Thank you for all of your advice And good luck with your own coming out, if you decide to.
