Hello, I am discreet about my sexuality. I come from a well-known, wealthy, conservative family, and have a good job. If anyone found out about my sexuality, I would be disowned, loose all of my friends, and be fired (the company I work for fires gay people, as it is Christian owned). I hooked up with someone the other day who seemed cool at first. After we hooked up, I went home. When I got home, he messaged me and let me know that he had videotaped the entire event. When we hooked up, I gave him a fake name. In the message, he said he wanted me to give him a large sum of money (basically all the money I personally had until I get paid next) or he would e-mail the video to my parents. At first, I thought he was just crazy, but then he replied, "By the way, I know who you really are" and proceeded to put my full real name. He then said that he looked in my wallet while I was using the restroom, and saw my first and last name, realized what family I came from (I come from a very influential family in my area) and would be e-mailing my parents the video as well as posting it online if I didn't pay him within 30 minutes. I caved into his demands immediately. I went to the bank, got the cash, and gave it to him. He said if all the money wasn't there, "I would be screwed". He then handed me a disc, which allegedly contained the "tape". When I checked the disk, there was nothing on there, meaning a) he was totally bluffing, or b) he still has it and hasn't given it to me. I don't know what to do. I fell horrible, used, and have been depressed all day. No one has ever done anything this bad to me in my entire life. I haven't done anything to deserve this. I now doubt he had any cameras and he was just bluffing, but I am scared he really does. I worry he will e-mail the tape to people and my parents. I am thinking about running away, as this would ruin me. I kind of wish I were dead (I am not going to kill myself, but I still feel really bad). I have also kind of lost my faith in humanity, as I don't know how someone could be really nice to me as he was when we were in the act, and then when I leave send me this monstrous text. I checked into it and what he did is a felony in my state, that carries up to a 10 year prison sentence, especially since it involves a sex tape, but I can't turn him into the police, because then it would become public record and would likely be put on the news and my parents would find out immediately because of what family I come from. I hope he was just bluffing, needed the money, and now he will leave me alone forever, but the fear that he has something is in the back of my head. I don't know what to do. Please give me some advice.
If he comes back for more, take it to the police, and deal with the consequences. If not, it was probably a bluff; consider it the cost of an education about picking up strangers. Now that you have given him the money, the blackmail is complete, and he is the one who is on the defensive.
Taking it to the police is not an option. If I filed a report, it becomes public record. I feel very stupid about the whole situation. You are right in the sense that now, I realize I shouldn't hook up with strangers. I didn't realize people could be so horrible. Unfortunately, since I am discreet, strangers are all I can hook up with, which means I will have to abstain from sex all together.
I guess I will give the same advice I gave to another member in remarkably similar circumstances. While there are many places in the US where you can legally be fired for being gay Chicago (like Denver) is not one of the them. I hope things work out for you one way or another.
It is illegal in my state to fire someone for being gay, you are right. But having a sex tape published and if my sexuality were revealed would put me in the management's bad side and result in them looking for a way to fire me. Plus I would be a laughing stock at work and would be ineffective at my job and I would be embarrassed. Yes, I could always get another job, but who us going to hire someone with a sex tape online of them gay or not (especially since its of two men; say what you want society is still very homophobic). Maybe an entry level job, but nothing like what I currently have. And that's just work. That doesn't take into account my family's reaction... they would totally disown me and all my friends (who are straight and conservative) would stop being my friends. Having a sex tape is extremely embarrasing and reveals one of your most private moments. This would totally ruin me. I guess I am also kinda depressed that someone would want to cause so much hurt to some one they just hooked up with and I did nothing wrong. The person extorting me said he knew it would ruin me and seemed to take pleasure in that fact. I have never done anything like that to another person nor would I.
Honestly, just go about your life a forget that this ever happened. Worse comes to worse, you deal with what happens when it happens.
I've been trying to for the past couple of days. I just can't believe this happened to me. All my life I have tried to be a good person, but then someone wants to completely ruin my life for no reason. I feel so worthless and used right now. Plus I am worried he will still post the video despite taking my money. To make matters worse I only have 50 dollars left after I paid him the 2500 he demanded until I get paid next. I guess no one can understand if they are not in this position. To make matters worse, I have no one to talk to about this because I am discreet about my sexuality. Thanks for everyones comments and support thus far.
We could go into a lot of reasons why you need to make a change of direction in your life and come out and be yourself, probably in a different city, where you would be able to be accepted for who you are. You could use your current status as a stepping stone to a decent job in a new place, as most people do when they change employers. Money isn't everything, and certainly isn't worth hiding yourself for the rest of your life for. When this "crisis" is over, come back and talk some more about accepting yourself and living your life in a better way.
Thank you for your reply. I realize money isn't everything, but I have made the decision to remain discreet largely for these reasons: 1) I don't want my selfish interests to cause others pain. That would really hurt my parents and their reputation. I dont want them to have to go through the immense disappointment they would experience of having a "unusual" son. I realize it might not be a big deal to some families, but my parents are very anti gay and would disown me. There are others with more accepting families, but mine is no one of them. Their mind is made up and will not change. 2) Who I have sex with is not the only thing that defines who I am, but if I were to tell others, it would define who I am due to the intense homophobic nature of many people. 3) I like my friends. They would reject and ridicule me for sure. 4) I have been raised to view homosexuality as unnatural and wrong. This isnt what I think about others, just myself. I feel guilty when engaged in the acts. The idea of being seen in public with another man is not something I can presently accept. I don't want others looking at me negatively when I am out and about which is what I feel would happen. While I am sexually attracted I dont think I could handle being public.
When I joined EC, I definitely started with a lot of the same thoughts as you. I'm probably not as concerned over my parents' reputation though as you seem to be. If you just had a fling with this guy to experiment and still believe you are straight, disregard my comments. It comes down to, if you believe you are not straight and you are portraying yourself as straight, this is lying to yourself. You only get one shot at life and to live in your truth is the only way you will truly be happy long term. Yeah, you can accumulate all of the status symbols and physical objects that make you feel better, but internally, you are who are you and denying this is not healthy. Granted, I'm not suggesting that you come out at your current location if you think your safety could be at risk. There are a few interesting quotes that come to mind that I've seen on EC that I'll just post here since they have helped me realize what my eventual course of action needs to be. No, I'm not out yet, so obviously my comments might be somewhat hypocritical. I'm working on it. Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. If you didn't think it would hurt your reputation, what would you choose? What other people think of me is not my business. If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else? More quotes can be found here: What quotes speak to you? . Feel free to post there, too. (*hug*)
I'm sorry this happened to you. If you see him again punch him in the face. He deserves it. I think he was probably bluffing. If a real tape existed why not give it to you? If he wanted to keep blackmailing you he could have made a copy and given you that. If he comes back for more money you should demand to see the tape. If he really has it and wants the money he'll show you. Also, I know you think all your friends and family would reject you if they found out you're gay but the US is becoming far more friendly. I doubt all your friends would turn their backs on you. And the ones who do might just need time to process that information. I'd recommend you join some sort of support group for gay men. In your area there must be something. Give a fake last name if you have to. But find a way to connect with other people like you. Make new friends who you can be honest with. It will be a weight off your shoulders and it doesn't mean you have to come out to everyone. You can just be out to that group.
Thanks again everyone for all of the advice . I know for sure that my parents would disown me, cut me out of the will, and never speak with me again. As for my friends, they all generally have negative attitudes towards gays. In fact, when we were in high school, there was a kid who came out as gay, and everyone immediately stopped being friends with him (despite the fact that they had been friends with him for years), so I am sure I would loose all of my friends. I don't know where to find such a group. And, I would feel ashamed of going out with them in case someone spotted me if they were openly gay. One time, I met someone online and almost went to get a drink, but I couldn't even drive myself to go to a normal bar and get a drink, because I was afraid I would run into someone I knew. I live in a large city, but it doesn't matter--I see people all the time out and about that I know. Moving isn't really an option, because I own my own place, have a career I like, and already have my life here. Up and moving sounds pretty radical. Also, to clarify, I am NOT rich. My family is and is well-known, but they don't just give me money. I am on my own financially and have been since I graduated college. Someone earlier in this post was talking about how life's not just about money. I don't know who gave anyone the impression that's all I am about. Quite the contrary-I live paycheck to paycheck. After this jerk extorted me, I have NO MONEY left until I get paid next week. This situation really sucks. As far as telling people about my personal sexual choices, I don't feel that I am in a position now or in the next few years where I will be comfortable doing that. Also, I continue to worry if this tape is real and ever were to get leaked, what would happen to me. I wouldn't have time to go to the police, as I would probably have to flee my city immediately- just cut ties with my parents, friends, everything I know and leave. I don't know what I would do. I also don't know why someone would want to cause someone so much pain over something as trivial as a hook up that both people consented to. I can't get the messages out of my head where this guy was essentially happy that he was causing me to suffer.
ok, now that i have this post first let me say im so sorry this happened to you. the person is a scumbag. so here's what you have to do. it is not your fault you had a hookup. go to any city in the country and go to any club or bar in the country throughout the week or on the weekend and you'll find people having random hookups there daily, also online, also through apps. so you did not do anything that anyone else has not done. however, most people are not exhorted over it. now you did what most of us in panic mode would do, give the money and hope that it goes away. when we are panicked we are not rational. but here what you can do and here's my thoughts on the situation: First questions: did you hookup in a hotel or his house? if hotel, i doubt very seriously that he video taped it because he would have had to have everything set up prior. if his house, he may have been videotaping. you never know. but i doubt it. i doubt it because he gave you a blank disc. people who exhort or try to, want to show you some proof that they have damaging materials to get money from you. so why not show you the actual tape so you would know he has it and produce more? why give you a blank disc. maybe he would give you that if he had planned to just disappear and never be heard from again after he got the money. maybe he did not want to leave a papertrail in case he did have the real video. not sure. 2. save all communication and exhortion emails, texts, and correspondence from him. print any records of you withdrawing money. save all information related to him. 3. if you did not save this, you will need to save when he reached back out on our next pay day. people like this are like cats when you leave milk out. they will always come back for more. with more threats. sure, he may have made a quick buck and will leave but i sense he may be back for more. 4. if he emails or calls you back, makes sure it is all through text. if you saved no record of this, make sure to say stuff like, " i do not have anymore money to give you. i already gave you the last $2500 i had a few weeks ago. you will need to stop contacting me." then he will mention somethign about how he will tell your parents and send the video if you do not pay up." once you have that on file, you can use that as leverage. you now have proof that he has and is trying to exhort you for money. which if you decide at some point to turn this over to the cops, he's screwed. 5. do not threaten his with this information or let him know you are tricking him into the bait. just secretly save it and use it when you need it if things do not stop or become more potentially violent in which you may need to call the police for your own safety. 6. then after you get him to basically admit he has exhorted you. STOP communicating with him but SAVE all info or texts he sends to you regarding wanting more money. again, this will be proof to the authorities if you ever need to go to them. be smart. this loser could be smarter than you think. he may not have the video tape but if you say stuff like, via text indicating that you had a sexual relatonship, he may actually use that as the "proof" to exhort you more. so you have to be very sly with your responses to get him to basically say you you: "do not contact me" him: ok, i'll send the sex tape to your parents if you do not give me more money you: i do not know what you are talking about. do not contact me again. him: you know exactly what i'm talking about. you want to play dumb, ok, we'll see how what everyone thinks of the sex tape. you are not saying you did anything, so he can't use what you say against you. but you can use what he says against him. be very careful. this guy is nuts and you better watch your back because people are crazy these days and can do anything. so don't tick him off. just ignore him. but if he keeps this up, you will have to decide to ignore him or turn him in. i personally do not think there is a sex tape. i do think he looked at your wallet and is bluffing. call his bluff. if there is no sex tape, then there's nothing he can do but keep getting rich off you if you let him. if there is a sex tape, he will keep exhorting you to get more money and when the money dries up he will eventually release the tape anyway, in which you will need all the documentation you need to screw this loser over. again, do not tell him of your plans. let him basically hang himself (figure of speech). then see this for what it is worth.....you are well known so eventually someone else was going to try and use this against you anyway. people ALWAYS try and take down people who are up high. so since you aren't going to be single forever, something like this was going to happen in some way shape or form eventually, even if it were just gossip. Sex tape: Kim Kardashian is a MULTI millionaire The guy from Bravo TV Frederick was a former gay porn star turned Multi Millionare Real Estate agent in NYC. my point is, these things did not break them and if the guy does have a tape (which i doubt), then if he releases it, he is going to mess up his own life since you'll have proof. i think you should come out to family and see this as a blessing in diguise that it is forcing you to be true to who you are because sooner or later this was going to come out regardless of this guy or not. but i can understand how horrible you feel but this guy is an internet loser who is looking to make a quick buck. i doubt there is a tape. for future hookups, go to hotel where no prior set up is possible. even if there is not sex tape, i believe he will continue to try and use that or anything else as leverage. he may say he will spread the rumors on facebook on facebook and blogs etc. my point is, even if there is no sex tape, he will still try and say and do stuff to get money. remember he got $2500 from you. he will likely try at least one more time to get more. prepare for it. like i said do not give him anything through text or phone calls that he can record that would imply you had sex with him. ---------- Post added 20th Jul 2015 at 06:28 PM ---------- you are dealing with a low-life so the rules of what is fair or honorable do not apply. anyone that would try and exhort $ from you over this a low life and consequently giving him something exchange for the hope he treats you honorably does not exist. so you have to play him at his own game. if he wants to go low, then take this loser for all its worth. save everything so you can use it as leverage. if anything ever comes out, you will have proof that you can turn to the authorities that he exhorted you. if he is gonna take you down, then taken him down with you. ---------- Post added 20th Jul 2015 at 06:38 PM ---------- you are dealing with a low-life so the rules of what is fair or honorable do not apply. anyone that would try and exhort $ from you over this a low life and consequently giving him something exchange for the hope he treats you honorably does not exist. so you have to play him at his own game. if he wants to go low, then take this loser for all its worth. save everything so you can use it as leverage. if anything ever comes out, you will have proof that you can turn to the authorities that he exhorted you. if he is gonna take you down, then taken him down with you.
since the deed is over and you can't undo it, the best advice I can give would be for you to bluff him right back. if you get any more demands for money, text him back about the felony and make sure he believes that you are ready to face the consequences, if he's ready to go to jail.
Hello mkl2010 I have been following your post for a while. Finally getting a moment to reply. Your situation requires "street smarts" and "balls" and "self reflection" plain and simple. a) Call your blackmailer on his bluff. Look him straight in the eye, smile and tell him he is going to jail for extortion, a felony. Now get the fuck out of my life. b) It's going to take balls to do this. Go to the gym find a punching bag picture the guys face on the bag and punch the shit out of it. Remember how you feel and present the same feeling when you interact with the.y guy. c) You stated, "This would totally ruin me." I say bull shit. Always find a way to turn the table. See it as an opportunity to come clean, live a life per your biological programming, find a love to live with, be happy. Love is WAY BETTER than quick sexual hookups and lies. d) If I'm interviewing a candidate for employment and I hear they have been through something like this, I'm going to ask questions on how they turned the table - turned a bad situation to their benefit. Thats someone who has balls, can think and win. So stop worrying about getting a job if the shit hits the fan. Come clean and stop living a life of lies. Your friends are built on a foundation of lies and discrimination. Get and read the book The Velvet Rage. Thats it. I'm not sorry for sounding so terse. I do care about you if I didn't I wouldn't have replied. I detest violence but there are times when it works and works well. You can take the guys head off, a black eyes is usually all it takes. Extortionist are not fighters, there're scum. Later man
I think there is a lot of good advice here, so I wont add much, just this. I allowed myself to be blackmailed once. Not over my sexuality, but over drug use. Look back on it, I realize my mistake was to start giving them money. If I had said no from the start, there may have been some trouble (I worked in law enforcement!) but it would not have been anything like the months of worry. Because blackmailers are never satisfied. They keep coming back for more. And more. And more. I sold stocks I owned to pay, and all sorts. In the end, I moved away. If you don't stand up to this man now, you will never be free of him. And sooner or later your family will notice - that you have no money, etc.
