complex problem. need some analysis... coming out later in life

At 20 and after 9 years of thinking I'm straight with a few homosexual fantasies, I'm starting to think I am either gay or bisexual.

At a young age I always pursued girls because I found them beautiful and I wanted romantic love and romantic passion with women. I had many male friends but not female friends, because I always treated them as sexual opportunities (I went to a boys school).

I desire women and think they are more attractive than men, but for some reason I have a strong homoromantic interest, almost like seeking a father figure in a way, I do have fantasies of being a bottom.

I feel as though my sexual fulfilment would come from promiscuity and friendship with women, but romantic relations with a man. What the hell is wrong with me?

Everytime I connect with a girl I am attracted to it's always some kind of feeling of substituting motherly love. Everytime I connect with a gay man it just feels like we know each other straight away, we empathise, a lot of camp men have been attracted to me and I they always seem to be sniffing me out.

I had severe depression and body image issues, and my emotional intelligence is bizarrely high for a heterosexual male. I grew up in a cold household, with a distant father and a domineering mother.

But there's always a wall against expressing myself homosexually, either because it's habit of seeing men as friends or adversaries and women as little bundles of fun.

Most men around my age I find repulsive, but attractive slightly older men I could consider experimenting with (late 20s), older men in their mid 30s, 40s i could consider experimenting with. There is a huge fear of general incompetence and nudity with women.

There are a few contradictions here. But to break it down, I'm attracted to older attractive men (more romantically), attractive men my age (more sexually) and younger attractive women (more sexually). I'm still a virgin, how can I find out what is right for me, I don't want to hurt someone by manipulating people.

I'm pretty messed up. What do you think?