In the fall I started coming out to my friends, and did so all the way up to the spring. Then it hit me that I was going to have to tell my mom eventually. Now that I look back at it I probably should of waited a little bit, maybe let the fact that my friends know and that I'm no longer lieing to them sink it a little, but instead I didn't. My mom had just given my this whole speech about how we shouldn't lie to each other, and keeps things from each other in an attempt to take my "borrowing her headphones" without asking into a metaphor. Let's just say she got to me, and I thought she had the right to know. So my original plan of waiting a few years until I had a little bit more control of my life went out the window and I told her, but I didn't tell my dad. I don't have any issues with my dad, we aren't as close as my mom and I, but we're fine. When I came out to my mom I told her not to tell my dad yet, that was my first mistake. It's July, it has been 4 months of my dad being in the dark. At first I wasn't ready because after watching my mom's reaction I was like "oh hell no, I'm not going through this again". My mom didn't react bad, she was accepting and all, but she became distant, and things became a little weird between us for a while and it was hard for me to even utter anything about LGBT stuff without a strange look. It's not like I don't want him to know, because I do. Literally in May I was at a wedding and we were doing this slow dance thing, and in my head I thought "dad I'm gay", but of course I didn't tell him then, so the feeling came and went. I'm also not afraid of being not accepted by his side of the family, because they all showed support when the marriage law passed, and turned their profile pictures rainbow, which isn't much but to me that means they aren't going to hate me. I think what I'm worried about is widening the gap between the two of us. Like I said before we aren't as close as my mom and I, literally I never tell anything about my personal life when it comes to friends and stuff always my mom. Plus there is also the situation of time. I'm worried that he's going to be less upset that I'm gay and more upset that he's been in the dark 4 months more then my mom. Also I'm still getting these mixed signals from my mom. The day the marriage laws passed my mom was happy and all, but I had to pry it out of her. I literally had to be all like "did anything interesting happen today?" I had to pretend as if I didn't know to see if she knew. Then she tells me not to make any "speeches" on FB. As if my likeing a bunch of posts and posting support stuff is going to send a bat signal to all of my family on FB that I indeed like women. So I privated all my photos of me decked out in rainbow from my family, and just left the the HRC post I liked. I thought that when I came out to my mom that I no longer would feel like I'm keeping secrets from important people in my life, but instead I feel like I've gotten shoved further into the closet. I don't regret telling her but part of me is like "you should of told your brother first like your friend recommended". Because now I can't tell him either and he's like the most important person in my life next to my parents, like closest family member, want him to be in my bridal party and vis versa close. But now I feel like if I tell him before my dad then its going to be doubly harder on my dad, I don't want him to feel like I don't care or something. UGHH!!! The annoying part about all of this is that my mom offered to tell my dad back in March when I went on a trip to Disney with my orchestra and I was gone for a few days. She said that it was a good time, and he would have time to process. But I said no, because I knew he would be the one picking me up and I didn't want to have to be a part of that car ride. If my mom told my dad, then my mom could of told my aunt, and I could of told my brother. And eventually the important people would know. **sighs** Sorry for ranting, but I just don't know what to do.
If you want to bend the truth - I know we shouldn't lie but... - you could tell your mum to pretend to not know and then come out to all of your family. That way has the benefit of your dad and brother not feeling put-out. It's a difficult situation, as the majority of LGBT-related situations are, and your mum will feel a lot of pressure on her to keep the secret; she has to keep the secret from your father, which isn't ideal at all in a relationship. I know my mum probably told my dad the night I was forced to come out, though she has kept secrets for me. I can't tell you what to do, but perhaps I've helped show you the situation from a stranger's eyes. I will say this: 1) you should tell family members yourself, otherwise talking about it in the future is a struggle 2) You will have to come out to your brother and dad, obviously, but this should only be when you are comfortable doing so 3) Im sure your mum doesn't mean to push you back into the closet at all. She's afraid for you, I think, and of people assuming things or otherwise getting ideas. Regardless of that, you should still be able to publically write support and show it on FB, etc - it's your own risk you're taking, not hers (though perhaps it might reflect on her too but surely, hopefully in a good way). Good luck, Connor
There's no need to beat yourself up about what is done, you did what you felt was right at the time and your mum seems ok now. Why don't you get your mum to sit down with you and your dad and get her to help you have the conversation with him? Personally I found it easier this way anyhow (i was in a similar situation at your age).
I've been in that same position as you with your mom. I'm sure she doesn't mean to push you back into the closet, but like someone said before, she's just afraid for you. Plus she grew up in a different time, where people judge eachother for how their kids behave even when they get older. Give her some time. And don't stop talking to her about LGBT stuff. I know how uncomfortable it is at first. But being gay is a big part of someone's life, just like being straight is a big part of a straight person's life, it just isn't seen as abnormal because society doesn't view it that way. The more you talk with your mom about LGBT stuff, the easier it'll get. Don't make a big deal about it, just slip it in from time to time and you'll both get more used to it. With your father and brother, if I were you, I'd sit both of them down and tell them. Be truthful about your mother already knowing because that's what coming out is all about, right? Honesty. Take it as an opportunity to clear the air and get everything off of your chest. You could also explain to them that you feel bad for not letting them know sooner, and apologize. But really, in 10 or 20 years, I doubt they'll be so hurt that they'll hold it against you too much. If they are as supportive as you say. Don't worry, just give it time. People will tend to forgive and forget, just be honest and let them know how much you love them. I'm rooting for ya
