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My Friend Can't Keep Secrets

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by lgbtqenjolras, Jul 20, 2015.

  1. lgbtqenjolras

    Regular Member

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    I've been best friends with a girl since I was 3. She was the first person that came out to.she was very supportive, and didn't make a big deal. I told her not to tell anybody, but I found out like two months later that she wound up telling about 4 other people, including one of my friends that I was scared to tell because she's very religious and has said before that she thinks she can't accept gay people because God says its wrong. I know we're friends, but she pulls asshole moves like this all the time and I'm kind of fed up. What should I do?
     
  2. Fallingdown7

    Fallingdown7 Guest

    You may have to end the friendship if she's putting you in danger.
     
  3. confusedbubble

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    Pull her aside and ask her what's happened? When she says what just tell her you know that she's told other people and you are angry and upset that she's told them for you as you wanted to tell then yourself (even if you didn't)
    Tell her that a secret is a secret and that as from now you don't feel you can trust her with any anymore, tell her that by her telling them 4 in turn they may of spread it round without you getting the chance to tell people yourself as and when you felt the time is right.
    As fallingdown said you may have to end the friendship, but if you do at least she'll understand the reason why you have ended it.
     
  4. i'd personally drop her. if she can't keep this a secret than who needs her.

    also you have to realize that if you tell someone this you have to basically assume they will tell others. even when they say they wont. they will use all sorts of crap to justify whey they violated your trust. you can hope they keep their word but you can't make them so as soon as you tell someone just accept that you're telling 2 more people through them because most people will run their mouths.
     
  5. fern96

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    If you have the courage, you need to talk to her about it. It sounds as if you like her a lot, but the trust factor is being heavily neglected on her side of things. Not only is this a breach of confidentiality, but she clearly has no issue with telling potentially harmful people (your homophobic friend) about something that can endanger you. It might be tempting to give people a piece of your mind, but in this case, do it gently. Just ask her, "Did you tell _ that I'm _? It's just that they found out before I wanted them to, and the only other person that knew was you" - whatever her response, explain that sharing that kind of thing can endanger you - ie, with the homophobic friend, and that even if it didn't, you still feel betrayed because she couldn't keep a secret. If her response to the accusation is a denial and you're sure it is her blabbing, distance yourself from her. If not, you can still stay friends, but don't talk to her about personal things anymore. I can't tell whether it's been done out of malice or inconsiderateness.

    A generally good screening process for friends is to see if they tell you others' secrets. You can confront that person about it, but don't then run to the person they're blabbing about and inform them they've been blabbed about. If they tell you others' secrets, particularly towards the beginning of the friendship, either end it or keep it whilst not allowing the friend to get close to you.

    I came out about two years ago on a discreet social media account by saying "I'm not straight" - a good-natured friend, who I did not think knew the account existed, congratulated me on coming out as gay, which I didn't do. When I corrected her and asked how she knew, she said that a mutual friend of ours, who I only had on that account for the sake of niceties, had told her. This friend had distanced herself from us, so I was very surprised to hear that she was not only keeping tabs on me but outing me, too, as if I had given her express permission to do so. I still don't know whether the first friend was BSing me or not, but I don't think she was. It goes to show...people are keeping track of you.