Hey, so I have a question. Brief overview of my life so far: I met a guy, we dated, I broke up with him, he wanted to stay friends, we're trying it but it's a bit rough. Anyways, one issue I have with him is communication. He's not at all flamboyant, and he for the most part he seems to be straight-acting, he just has a fairly feminine mindset. I, however, feel like a straight guy. One example is (i was talking about this with him today, which kind of spurred my curiosity) when he has a problem, I tend to offer advice. He, however, is usually looking for comfort. I want to identify the problem, figure out some solutions, and get it over with. He usually knows what's going to happen, but wants support getting through it. Another example would be, when we get into arguments and he leave, my reaction would be to give him some time, some space, let him cool down, and then he'll come back to me when he's ready. In contrast, he wants me to follow him, which shows that I care and want to resolve the problem. Are there any books/resources that you know of that would help me to understand his mindset? I've avoided femm girls pretty much all my life, so I have no idea how to interact with gay guys who think like that. Also, if you know of any good books on my mindset, I think that would be interesting for me (and possibly him) to take a look at, as well. Thanks so much, Step
Relationships are like that dude. I'm a lot like you, but there are times when I'm like him. we all have different needs and we all have different things that we can offer. You offer support in the respect that you have solutions to ending the problem. I think that he has the need not just for comfort but empathy. For someone who is willing to hold his hand. If you are anything like me, you are the kind who values your ability to stand and hold your own despite the odds and don't mind showing people solutions, but at the same time, you have the need for a partner who has the ability to do this as well. Perhaps with a mix of traits like myself but still with the ability. This is the point where you ask yourself, "do I feel capable of fulfilling this persons needs, and do I feel that there is enough there make the effort." Just remember to talk about needs with people, not just emotions. good luck.
I doubt you can have a book that can explain the mindset of such a large group of people to any degree of accuracy. Everybody has their own unique way of thinking, so sometimes you just have to do your best to try and understand them. I know it can be difficult but if you want to understand him you're just going to have to do your best to base his future actions on what you've seen in the past from him. And it seems like you've already done that to some degree, and you know how he acts.
"Why Men Lie and Women Cry" and "Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps" by Allan and Barbara Pease are fantastic books on the differences in brain wiring between men and women, and address that exact situation several times. It's pretty common.
I've actually found the first bit not to specifically be a female, or even feminine, trait. I've met plenty of guys who, when they bitch to me about something, aren't looking for a solution. They just want to vent. There isn't much to understand other than to try to figure out what he wants. And the best way is to just ask. Or let him know where YOU're coming from. Now, not when you're actually arguing. "When we're arguing, and you walk away, to me, that means you want some time alone. So that's what I'll give you." If he says he wants you to follow, you can either assent to that, or (better) lay it on the line. "Whenever you do something like this, I'm unsure what my next move is supposed to be. I feel like I can chase after you, which might be the wrong move since you're trying to escape me at that point. Or I can leave you be, which might be the wrong move since you feel I should come after you. I feel like you're testing me - 'will he make the right choice or not?'. I do care about you, and I do want to give you what you're looking for. But I don't feel I should have to guess. So please, whatever it is you want, LET ME KNOW. If you just want to complain about your troubles, and not have me offer a solution, then SAY SO. Right at the outset. And then I'll be your open ear for the rest of the day. " Lex
I would strongly un-recommend those books. They seem to be full of faux-scientific claptrap trying to support the old stereotypes. I don't think there's any magic way to explain why men and women "naturally" think differently (because they often don't suit those stereotypes, as Lex says), I think you just have to work out each person in turn. In the same way, your boyfriend is an individual and there's probably no book that could help you as much as simply observing the guy and/or talking to him about his feelings.
