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help, anyone??

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Lolapalooza, Jul 24, 2015.

  1. Lolapalooza

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    I live and grew up in a conventional family in a country that still view homosexuality as 'abnormal'. These past events are certainly one of the things I would never forget, literally.

    I’ve always been different since as long as I can remember, a shy, wildly introverted gay boy who hardly speaks anything personal because though I’ve been yearning to express my feelings, my personal interest, my secrets, I know people around me will not take it well. But as I age, i realize that my attraction, what I adore and who I like define me badly and that freaked me out. I’ve been in denial for a few years. I resorted to LGBT community websites, coming out stories and eventually porn, both straight and gay to ‘test’ my sexual attraction. Quite a cliché but it’s the truth.

    I’ve come to accept myself, and it’s like a part of weight has been lift off my back, knowing myself I have became very confident, more open and less introverted. I have made new friends, I’m passionate for everything I do, and I’m not afraid to speak up. I'm not afraid of having people judging me and talking things behind my back. I feel evolved as a new person.

    It all started during a casual conversation with my older sister that turned serious quickly. I was never a good liar and she kept pressing on me. My sister said that homosexuality is a choice, that everyone has chances to choose either being gay or straight, that she had experienced curiosity of dating a girl on her own but she shrugged it off and it hardly even bothered her. She stated that homosexuals simply give up from trying to have a normal life, being a hardcore member of society that does not bend to rules. she had some gay friends and she's okay with that, though commented on how 'rebellious they are and she meant that they are pretty much brainwashed by media telling it's okay to be gay. She made it clear that she don’t want me to be gay, as if I can choose. She was uneasy when she discovered I have feelings for boys.

    The next night my mum confronted me about it (my sister is a living adult tattletale, I won’t lie, but I don’t blame her). Her reaction at first was not anger, nor hate. Rather, disappointment and disbelief. She then proceeded to ask for more details, frantically hoping that it was just a phase, one which she kept repeating. She commented that it’s normal for me to have those feelings, just to the point of it as a mental turmoil during puberty. She never accepts the idea of homosexuality, as it violate religion, norm, traditions, and she even went further as to say it will destroy the whole family’s name.

    this is what she said (I had to translate so the word might be different and my english isn't very good):
    It’s a disgrace, and I can’t afford any of them in my family. We might not be the wealthiest or have a status in society, but we are infamy free, we don’t have a secret to be ashamed about, that’s what’s been keeping me strong, knowing that I have a hardworking, honest husband and my children will have a safe, prosperous, normal happy life.”

    She adds further that I am a very tolerant and like her, a very empathical person and I am theoretical because I’ve been an introvert and I reaally love to be different. Love, She says! She went on that I will come up with lots of scientific datas, evidences, anything that she can’t do anything but to swallow, and that’s how selfish I am to her, because she knows best. The whole night was very uncomfortable. I can’t speak, I can’t reason, and even if I do, she can’t see it either.

    You’ve been too passionate about this, you’ve made lots of research online and those things slowly turn you gay, because you’re sympathetic to them. You’re a very tolerant kid, but people will take advantage of you. Let me tell you, they are desperate people, trying to recruit helpless youngsters to support them. The supreme court of America legalizes same sex marriage because they’re in a crisis, they need supporters. Believe me, they mock LGBT people behind their backs. Homosexuality is just a trend, So do me a favour not to follow that and also, don’t look up anything about it anymore, it will affect you eventually.”

    She said that it’s fine for a man to marry at later age, if I hadn’t found one for a long time, she will arrange it for me, God!

    Honestly, I have no idea about supreme court decision until a few days back. I wanted to speak up and her next line send chills to my spine:

    if I have a gay son, whether by choice or not(though I think she meant by choice because she always believe so. Not by choice to her means hormone imbalance or something malfunctioning), I can’t handle it, I can’t. I have no choice but to let you go, and probably commit suicide myself.”

    I mustered up courage to say even if I have a choice, I would choose to be straight. She take it as if I was still confused. That it was just a mental turmoil. It’s like all my energy had been drawn out, I’ve been left dry.

    A few days later was even worse, I came back to my old desperate, in-denial-video-game-addict-like self. Like, those enthusiasms and passion was just taken away from me. Apparently she noticed change and confronted me again. This time, it escalated to yelling :

    so you WANT to be gay?!! You good for nothing son! You’re so stupid! You’re a selfish, insolent kid! Your head is full of shit! You want to be gay? go ahead! Be those freaks!! You just want to be different, to defy nature, right?! Why did I even gave birth to you?!!!


    I had to lie, lied my way back to the closet, and it hurts a lot. It still do. My dad heard about this and he’s very nonchalant, telling my mom I won’t be gay because I’d known any better. I can’t do anything. I know my dad can make things worse if I continued, worse than my mum. and even if I do I won’t be heard either. My dad has stress related high blood pressure and gastric issues, while my mother had extremely low heart rate, also stress related. Their conditions went downright horrendous with all the self blaming and depression about me.

    Things had been calmer for them, and I continue my closeted life with constant daily reminder that my family will never accept me being gay, never. I know I had to come out again, but I was unsure. They won’t listen to me, and tradition is and will be an important part of their family. Sorry if it’s too long.

    help?
     
  2. queermeerkat

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    The closet isn't an easy place to be in, I don't have too much advice to offer but I will say you should whatever is best for you, whether that means staying in the closet or coming out. Places like Empty Closets have really helped me, talking to people like yourself and reaching out for emotional support can help a lot. Besides this website, there are lgbt blogs on tumblr, the trevor project, 7 cups of tea. I wish I had more to say but I hope this helps some. Stay safe and love yourself.
    (*hug*)
     
  3. brainwashed

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    The following are my thoughts and opinions - I'm not an expert.

    First your English is fantastic. Good job.

    Second. Your story. Man oh man oh man. Talk about bigotry and hatred and misinformation. Don't know how old you are so about the only thing I can say at this time is: a) lay low until your can move away and be on your own. b) do lots on online research to empower yourself.

    Write on my wall anytime you need someone. You are who you are and you are a beautiful person. Remember there is someone on this earth who accepts you and cares about you....me.

    Later
     
    #3 brainwashed, Jul 24, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2015
  4. greatwhale

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    Hey Lolapalooza, welcome to EC!

    Unfortunately, you live in a culture, and a family steeped in that culture, that simply won't accept you for who you are. The only "choice" you really do have is whether to stay in it, or leave.

    If you decide to stay in it, you are effectively choosing to remain in the closet, and for your own safety, I would not recommend you come out under those circumstances.

    You didn't state your age, so I have no idea whether you are old enough to escape this situation, or even if you have considered this option, but you obviously know that your freedom won't be found where you are now.

    Parents often use their health problems to make you feel guilty for doing things they don't approve of, that is manipulation, and harsh as it may sound, you need to ignore it if you are to become who you are.

    Your freedom may come at a high price, including being cut off from your family. This is no small thing, it will probably mean losing their support, and no longer participating in family celebrations or funerals.

    I feel for you, these are rather difficult and cruel choices, but in the end, your own integrity and happiness are on the line.
     
  5. brainwashed

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    So well put greatwhale. I struggled with this post for I personally can't phantom such bias.

    Later
     
  6. Lolapalooza

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    Hi,
    As I had written in the thread, family is an important aspect of my life, and I always assume they're doing what they thought was best for me, and these feelings will hurt me badly if I were to or be cut off from my family. But what would actually hurt me is the wound i will give to my family, their sadness and dissapointment so much that I simply feel unworthy to personally feel one, that I'd rather be in pain myself than to see them hurt, though I know they don't want that. Am I too selfish? Am I too young to think of such things? I'm 18 by the way
     
  7. Lolapalooza

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    @queermeerkat thanks, i'll go check some right away

    @brainwashed haha never had thought of it as until you mention it
     
  8. greatwhale

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    I feel for you; stuck between a rock and a hard place.

    Yes, you are a young adult, and family is still an important force in your life. As you grow older, and become more independent, their influence on you will slowly diminish. I do know that in certain cultures, such as yours, your family would still be very involved in your life, much more than in Western culture.

    That being said, if you remain, the pressure to get married will increase tremendously. You need to ask yourself if you want to be in this situation with a woman. You could chose not to marry, but I can imagine that this will be considered a shame on your family too (I'm just guessing).

    Remember this: if they feel hurt or shamed by your being gay, it is not something you are doing to them, their beliefs and their culture are the source of that shame, not you.

    You may also have the option of leaving the country and going somewhere where being gay is accepted, but remaining closeted to your family; there are countless stories of this kind of situation (I know someone from Pakistan in this situation), not easy, but still possible.

    For the time being, spend some time to think about your options, no need to make any quick decisions, just keep your options open and explore others.
     
  9. bingostring

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    Your family mean well .. For your protection. But also they want to protect their own image. Threatening suicide is most likely a trick - to control you.

    You seem to be aware of the issues you face. I think you may need to relax while you construct a 3 year plan for yourself. Where do you want to be in your life in three years? University, job, Living away from family? Then make its reality!!

    ---------- Post added 28th Jul 2015 at 06:57 PM ----------

    Your family mean well .. For your protection. But also they want to protect their own image. Threatening suicide is most likely a trick - to control you.

    You seem to be aware of the issues you face. I think you may need to relax while you construct a 3 year plan for yourself. Where do you want to be in your life in three years? University, job, Living away from family? Then make its reality!!