Our relationship is not going well. Not only because of trans issues but age/experience differences. It`s become very dysfunctional but I thought it would still be interesting to see what you guys think. I identify as being a lesbian. My partner (biologically female) is unsure but would like to identify as a man. She is debating surgery/hormone therapy. When we started dating my partner also identified as a lesbian and several months later she came out to me as being transgender. My initial reaction was a slap in the face for her. It was a ``so what`` kind of reaction. In my mind I thought this didn`t change a thing and i still loved her for her. I didn`t do any research and was not very supportive. In some ways I think i was in some sort of denial. Months and fights later. I did end up doing my research and became a lot more supportive. It took some time but I adapted to the name change. She hasn`t yet demanded pronoun change but I learn to chose my words carefully; instead of beautiful i will say handsom, instead of girlfriend i will say partner. But it took me awhile to adapt. I am ok with top surgery but I told my partner I just don`t know if I can stay in this relationship if she has hormone therapy or bottom surgery. My partner again took this as a big slap in the face. She was hurt by the fact that I could only love her with conditions. Since her coming out she hasn`t felt the same way about me and I think is scared to trust me with her heart considering I might not be there in the end. It`s been a heartbreaking situation. I`m not really looking for support on this but I thought it would be nice to start a discussion. What do you guys think? Would you be able to stay with your same sex partner if they had a sex change? Also let`s not forget the matter of identity. With her transistioning I`ve basically become invisible. In public, we are basically seen as a straight couple and I was openly out to everyone before but now I no longer say I am gay. It is to long to explain that I am gay and that my partner is trans. Can love really conquer all?
Hi there! I am sorry to hear that your relationship is in some difficulties but that said, I think it is crucial that your partner has all the support that she can get during that period. I think it is good that you have educated yourself on transgender issues. As you may know, for those who are transgender, going through the process can take a long time and can become emotionally and physically draining. If you can, try to win her trust back by being there for her during this period. Even if you feel that there might not be a romantic relationship in the end, you two still can remain good friends. It would be good if you would/could indicate this to your partner so that she also knows that you are there for her. Think about your own comfortable level (i.e. how comfortable are you feeling with it?). I have never been in this situation so I am not able to answer your question, but I think it is really up to you. If you feel that you can not stay with your partner than you have to make a decision. If you do want to remain with your partner, then you need to make this clear to her as well. Maybe you need to sit down with your partner and talk about it. Yes, it can and will hurt, but being open and honest is always the best policy.
It seems to me that your girlfriend / partner changed the conditions of your relationship - and I think it's fair that you voice your feelings about them. You're a lesbian - you enjoy the company of a woman. If your girlfriend is on her way to becoming a man, then she's no longer a woman, is she? If love had no conditions and could conquer all, then gender wouldn't matter, would it? There wouldn't be any such thing as hetro or homosexuals - we'd all just 'indifferent-sexuals'. There's nothing says you can't remain friends and be supportive of your friend's changes - but you shouldn't feel trapped in a situation that no longer appeals to you.
I think this is very good advice. I can only imagine that this would be very hard on any relationship. I think bringing all of the issues to light will either help over come them or bring the relationship to its natural end. Either way I think the worst thing to do is to stay quite and hope everything works out. Oddly enough I was thinking about this very situation in the car yesterday. I've known a few straight couples that have divorced because they have changed over the years. Really this is the ultimate change. Of course you have physical changes, but there are also going to be big changes to how the person identifies with them self. As you mentioned it would also changed the way the relationship is identified. I think the ultimate question is can you still be sexually attracted to your partner in her new role. Of course there is more to a relation than sex, but if she thinks you are no longer attracted to her it could be very damaging to her self esteem and thus to the relationship.
I don't think I could sustain a relationship if the guy I was dating wanted to change his gender. After all attraction is a big part of a relationship and I couldn't be attracted to girl. That would be like me having to change myself for him. So if it were me I'd break it off with him.
obviously i'd be with the girl because i liked her as a person. but also the part that makes this a sexual relationship & create the sexual attraction for me is that fact that she is biologically female, so if that were to change then she would merely be a person that i have a deep frienship with & care for as with any other friend. the sexual feelings would most definately not be there if she were to one day wake up as a man...
I think if you stay in a relationship with your partner, things will just continue to go downhill. More fights will occur and both of you will be miserable, which isn't a good thing when your partner needs support. I'm a different person than you though and personally i'd be able to stay in it because i'm pansexual and gender has nothing to do with how i feel about someone. But you on the other hand are lesbian. Being in a relationship with a man is not what you signed up for nor what you want in life. If its possible, remain friends. He needs your support right now. Just make sure he understands that while you do care for him, you can't be in a relationship with a man. Its not who you are. It's not good to trap yourself in a situation where you can't be who you truly are.
Sounds like she's on a different path from where you once were. Doesn't sound like she's being very considerate of you either. It's all about her. By the way, Jim, the correct term for an "indifferent-sexual" is "pansexual" just ask our friend Myra here.
I'm going to jump in here because I am an FTM, and I happen to be in a relationship with a lesbian. Yours is a somewhat different situation than mine, because from before we started dating, she knew who I was, and she knew that someday I might feel the need for hormones/ surgery. She knew that, and from the beginning, she said that if it happens, it happens, and I think she will stay with me. But before I came out as trans, I was dating a different lesbian. I came out about 5 months into our relationship. We stayed together another 5 months (I don't know why, but we did) and she just couldn't handle it. I think it makes a difference if a life altering revelation like this is made before the relationship starts, rather than several months into it. Just throwing out my personal experiences here. Good luck>
Wow thank you for so many different responses I really appreciate it! At this point we are having trouble making the relationship work but it has nothing to do with her being trans. She really feels like she doesn't want to put all her energy into making this work and in the end I might leave. But right now, we are in couples counselling to see if, firstly, we can make something out of this dysfunctional relationship. Our first exercise is to take a break from eachother till our next session on January 4th! Which sucks big cahuanas cause it's the holidays but at least we are working towards something. I will keep you guys posted Thanks again!
