Denial of my sexuality leading to extreme isolation and loneliness

Hello and welcome to EC.

It sounds like you are in a tough situation.

There is a common misconception that sexual abuse effects sexual orientation. Sexual abuse does not effect sexual orientation at all. I think that this is something that people came up with to promote the idea that sexual orientation is a choice, which it is not. There is a lot of misinformation and stereotypes out there. Secondly you mention that you are feminine and fear that you won't be taken seriously because of your presentation. That really is another stereotype. People of all different sorts are LGBT. There are lots of women who like feminine appearance/presentation.

I have found the easiest way to meet other people is to do what you enjoy with other people. For instance computer gaming or art groups. You meet people with similar interest to you, and often at least some of them are LGBT. Whether you are feminine, androgynous, butch etc etc people will get to know you as a *person* and things go from there. That is not to say it's always easy. It's not. The effort is worth it though. With luck you will make a few friends and create an accepting support group of people who you can depend on.

Remember that we are here for you. If you ever need someone to listen to, feel free to message me or anyone else you feel comfortable with. I hope that EC helps you reach a happier place. (*hug*)

 

I am in exactly the same spot as you, my father used to beat the living days out of me and to this day it is making me question my self on wither that is why I am gay. Like you as well, my friends and family are religious, and I have experienced being shunned first hand to admitting to being gay, not from my family they just want me to not talk about it, but still love me...I guess.

Every-time I came out I got the comment, that I am doing it for attention, or due to my bad childhood. I tried reparative therapy, I wanted so bad to fit in, and not be the 'obnoxious selfish demonic asshole'.

Like you I am paralyzed by disappointment in my self. Most of them have no conception what you are going through, and unfortunately them not bothering is a very real possibility. The impossible choice of having to sacrifice everything, I feel you, but honestly, they are the one who forced me into that corner. I am not going to beat my self over it, it is their choice to shun me, I wanted to make it work.

The reason I am sharing this, is that I want to let you know it is not all in your head, your concerns are real, and your suspicions about how are people going to deal with you are real. I think it needs a huge amount of resolve to overcome how people are going to view you, I haven't gotten there yet.

I wish you the best. Whatever caused us to be gay, it does not matter at this point, I know people make a big deal wither it was nature or nurture, the truth is...nature screws up a lot, so saying something is natural won't help either. You have to decide to make lemonade out of the lemons, there is no other way, it is in my opinion the most admirable route to take. God knows it is hard, I still can't do it my self lol.

 

I can't add but just wanted to say hello as a fellow 1988'er in your situation until recently felt extremely isolated, and depressed. Knew who I was attracted for years but haven't known how to meet other gay guys.

My point is you're not alone.

 

Hi. I have registered to this forum because of maybe similar problem. All my life I prefered women to men, but in country where I live being lesbian is the matter of life and death. I also have issues of being abused at childhood. All my life I oppressed, i tried to oppress that feeling, that identity in me, so I am not out at all. But last year I simply lost it. I was falling in love with straight women, knowing in advance our friendship will never turn into something more, and they were playing with my feelings, and at the end I was hurt always. So, when it happened last year again, I wanted to oppress it, to stop it, though I didn't start anything, that woman started to flirt wiht me, sending mixed messages, etc. But she helped me in one thing. i finally understood I definitely prefere women to men, and I want stable, commit and long term relationship with woman, because I have so much to give. So much I want to give. But, it didn't solve other problems. I created account on several online dating sites, but for reasons of physical security I simply never dared to put my photo there. So, that was without success. In my city, in my small inner circle, it is impossible to find anyone. I kinda am going to accept that I will always be prisoner by my own choice. Excuse my poor English.

 

God bless all of you. Keep going in your own process! Baby steps if necessary. I know its so hard.