I know that I am another depressed person posting an all too familiar story of fear and need of help. I have been on this site for months now, but I don't like to post some of my life on the Internet so I stuck to the sidelines as others tackled their way for answers on their problems. I wish I did this earlier, but I was stubborn on trying to tough it out by myself and I now may be in a deeper hole than I anticipated. Only my Dad knows of my situation, but he figures that I can keep this pain to myself for years. To start, I only ever came out to him which was last year. I known much longer, but he eventually figured out since he can read me like an open book. He tries to make me as masculine as possible and promised that he'll never go see my future bf or my marriage or anything that is gay. Don't get me wrong, I love my Dad, but he's used to the old ways, he never had a black kid in his class till middle school for starters. One of the reasons I never came for help on here is because I'm not some masculine gay guy. I'm very feminine and love to wear some nice "things". In other words, I am flamboyant (not the attention seeking kind) and people like me are shunned on both sides of the fence, even from the LGBT community because I represent the stereotype. I try my best to hide by being an introvert smart nerd, but all that done is cause me more depression even though it gets the job done. A few months ago, after being in that dark place of depression, I wrote a letter to a teacher who was supportive of LGBT (you don't see a lot of that here) and I gave the letter to her in an envelope. It was really stupid. The next day(last day of school) I checked her desk while she was gone and she never read it. This gets me paranoid the whole summer because I won know what she will do with it. Imagine that getting leaked out at school? My life will be a living hell. Fast forward to a few days ago at mentor training at school and she just asks how my summer was, nothing new or weird, just normal. I'm still paranoid over it, but it's not just that. My online friends are losing touch of me and most have left me because of my depression and anxiety. I'm barely keeping two friends in real life without fucking that up and one of them is obviously not liking me. (only my online friends know of my sexuality) Besides my family is homophobic and I hear my extended family talk about how bad that ruling was and one lesbian who was part of the family. I once had a family member die of Aids because he wasn't straight. I never heard of him till Dad brought it up, will I be forgotten after I die of something like? That and I fell in love with this one guy this summer and we got along so well, even though he was shy and had walls around him, I broke it down and I could tell he was hiding after I opened him up. He's gone now and I never got his number or any way of contacting him which contributed to my depression. So now, with that letter and my depression ever strong, I'm faced with two choices. I could stay in the comfy closet and hope to get through high school and maybe college without getting caught which won't ruin the reputation I built up as an easygoing introvert nerd. Or I could come out and face the reality now while I still have a ton of walls ahead of me. This may get me friends with the few people that are open, but most people will be talking behind my back 24/7 and ask how I love being a faggot so much.. This approach could help me find that one guy again, even though he goes to another school, but my dad knows I fell in love with him and he hates gays and black people... And the guy I love is black so that is just perfect.. My family is mildly racist too, especially the older ones. Either way, I will have to face a ton of shit and I'm so scared on what to do. I never asked for any of this, but life doesn't care about complaints. If you read through all of this, I'm sorry that it sounds attention seeking or dramatic. Now seeing this forum for a while now, I will go ahead and say that there is no way for me to reach a therapist since someone will suggest it. I hope this post doesn't leak anywhere.
hey, first of all i'm really sorry that you're going through all of this. it really sucks to not be in an accepting and safe environment. i think the decision of whether or not to come out kind of depends on the people you're close to. if you have a friend or two that seem open, you could try telling them, or even just mentioning something about homosexuality just to see how they would react before you tell them. i think you would feel better if you could be yourself around even one person, but if you don't think anyone you currently know will accept you, you could wait a little bit until you go to college and meet new people. either way, it's really important that you know you won't be with these people forever and eventually you will find yourself surrounded by open, accepting people.
Thank you for your response. I am just torn on what to do. It may be safer if I hold it out longer till I get out of high school like you mentioned. Right now, I am not sure what my friends think of it, but I'll see.
It's often very difficult to come out while you are living at home and depend on parents/family for security and stability. As hard as it is, it's usually better to play the long game and focus on the future, when you will be independent and free to make your own choices and decisions in life. It may seem like a frustrating, distant dream, right now, but if it's something you want to realise you will apply yourself to the task of achieving everything you want. Some people come out very quickly, because the circumstances are just right for them, but some people play a longer game, be it through choice or necessity. Just because you are playing the longer game it doesn't mean you are making zero progress on the coming out journey. Think of it like a jigsaw puzzle - when you only have a few pieces on the board it doesn't look (or feel) very inspiring, but as the pieces come together and the end is in sight, it's a lot more exciting. For you, the jigsaw has only just begun, but if you continue to put in the effort at school and achieve your dreams you will keep adding pieces to your coming out jigsaw and it will eventually be completed.
I see what you mean, PatrickUK. I'll try to hold out till after high school or when I leave my parents. Hopefully it won't be too painful of a process. Thank you for your input.
I went to a tanning salon today, and now I'm wondering if I'm gay. My dad says that this is confirmation of my gayness. He has said that he always suspected that I was gay, but now he says he has no more doubts. Please help, is this really proof that I'm gay? Also, I should say that I do find myself confused in other areas of my life. For instance I often don't know whether to hold a tennis racket in my left or right hand.
Hi, Assassin. I just want you to know I'm 27 and still haven't come out yet. Right now I agree with Patrick. I would wait until you are financially stable and able to support yourself. I know it's depressing knowing your family will treat you like you're disgusting and they might even shun you but I would try to make the best of a bad situation. After highschool college is freeing. You can be yourself. There's so many types of people you can meet there including lgbt. I wish you the best.
I hear a lot about how college is a great place and full of different people. It's just makes me sad of having to pretend of being someone I'm not, but it's for the best in the end. I don't even know what I want to major in yet, but I only have two more years to go so it shouldn't be too long before I can be free and major in what I want. Thank you for replying Hermitowl and I hope you can come out while being free (assuming from your out status) I am just really scared on how I'll be treated. For LittleKidLover, I think that your dad is just assuming since anyone can go to a tan salon. Although, I am no expert on determining if your gay other than that you like the same gender so I would ask a staff member or post your own thread with more details on how you feel. Sorry if I wasn't of much help.
Neither of those things are proof that you are gay. We cannot positively determine homosexuality from trivial things like visiting a tanning salon or holding a tennis racket in left/right hand. Your Dad is being incredibly stupid if he really believes either of those things.
