So I need a little advice. I came out fully to my mom a few nights ago. At this point she is still struggling to adjust. Thats not all that suprising since I come from a pretty conservative(though relatively open minded) family. Anyway, she asked to talk to me today and she gave me a list of several different ex-gay groups(at least I assume they are, I don't know anything about two of them since their local) in case I ever felt like I needed help. I definitely don't want to give these groups the light of the day - in all honesty they scare the crap out of me; even when I was struggling to accept myself I never wanted to be apart of them. But at the same time, I don't want to seem like I don't care about her attempt at helping me. Any advice?
I think you should talk to her and explain to her why you don't believe these are of any use. Tell her that you appreciate that she's trying to help, and that it means a lot that she's trying to make life "easier" for you, but I also think you need to explain why you won't "give the the light of day." This is a case where I think it'll go better if you're just honest.
Well first of all congratulations on coming out to your mom.I know it wasn't an easy decison to make. Second of all you need to let your mother know that while you appreciate her trying to help you,there is very little evidence to suggest that the ex gay groups are successful in turning one from homosexual to heterosexual(Make sure you get some research to show her so she doesn't think you are just being ungreatful.) Also let her know that you being homosexual is not something that can be changed.All the ex gay groups do is make you repress your homosexual urges and that may seem like it works on the surface,but the homosexuals are usually very depressed following participation in the ex gay groups.
It sounds like she's trying to help, just in the wrong way. You should explain to her that the most recent findings show that homosexuality isn't something you can change and that trying to do so can lead to a lot of mental damage. Tell her you don't want to and can't change who you are and you'd like her support. You may want to mention Pflag to her if she's having trouble. If you don't know about it Pflag is an organization for the parents family and friends of lgbt people and could help her out a lot Just let her know those groups are stupid, pointless and scary and that you need support and acceptance, not to change who you are
Perhaps you can just thank her for the information. "Thanks. Right now, I'm working on trying to make a go of it, though." Lex
Just let her know that that's not the direction you need to go right now. You thank her for her efforts, and it means a lot to you that she's trying, but this isn't the right thing for you right now. You've accepted yourself as you are. That's why you came out to her. You don't want to turn back, rather make the best of the future happy and accepted by her. Keep us posted. <3
Invite her to attend a PFLAG meeting with you. If she really wants to help, that's probably the most supportive thing she could do for you! Congrats on telling her, and for moving on with your life. It's not easy - that's for sure. We're all rooting for you!
http://www.pflag.org/map/2.1/index.php?state=IN&zip=&distanceLimit= Yeah, I'd recommend that she goes to PFLAG.
PFLAG groups are great! I have been going for about 6 months. There are parents that go with there children. Anything that is discussed is confidential. If you have any other questions about PFLAG I suggest you PM Becky.
She's not trying to help you, she's trying to help her. Like someone said, perhaps take her a GSA or PFLAG meeting or give her some info from those resources.
In my personal opinion, I would not want to join those groups either. Although I don't want to step in between you and your mother, and influence you in this matter, as I have known, there has been no scientific approval of ex-gay groups' achievements. I don't want to say much about this, because I myself do not think I have enough information and credibility. But definitely, you should make some researches on the Internet, find some reliable sources of data, and show your mother. Ex-gay groups think they can influence the minds of people, and similarly to religious affairs, can convert them to their beliefs. Though, there has been little success. Sexuality is not created the general basis like that of religions, the basis of spiritual needs. It is implemented at a lower, and more necessary level of life, thus links itself more closely to biological and genetic factors. And science is rapidly uncovering these myths. So read some more, form your own opinion, and then do what you deem best for yourself! Your mother will understand. Good luck, and even though your family has encountered some pressure lately, you will come over it together. May the gods bless you!
Thanks. I appreciate the support(and that goes to all of you :smilewave). I've mentioned the research and issues with the ex-gay groups before but I haven't actually given any information to her yet to digest and read. But I will do that. Thanks so much. As for the reason why she's doing this. It very well may have something to do with her rather than me. But at least for now she claims its because of my safety. She seems to feel their is a lot of danger in being openly gay. And then well - she is just having trouble getting used to the notion. For example, we had relatives over today. I was talking to my cousin and she brought up how she couldn't believe how many lesbians their were in the freshman class(she was more astonished than demeaning). And she said that it seemed like only the cheerleaders were straight from that grade. Well anyway, my mom just heard the part about "straight" She assumed that my cousin was talking about herself and so she took me to the side later and asked(fearfully and condescendlingly) whether or not I had come out to her. I explained that I hadn't but it wasn't like I plan to stay in the closet either. Yeah, thanks lex. I think its ultimately just going to take her some time to adjust. She's convinced homosexuality is a sin and even though she doesn't think I will go to hell because of it - I think she is still harboring hope that I might change my mind. I have also brought the idea of PFLAG to her - but she's not sure about that. I do plan on getting her some stuff to read on it(though I don't know where to get it). That way she can have a better idea on what its about. The only issue with doing the meetings is that I go back to college in less than a month - so it doesn't exactly give us much time. On the positive side - she's talking to a bi/lesbian(I haven't asked her) cousin who's in a relationship. So at least I have an ally at this point. My mom has also been researching the subject a lot lately, and even though I don't like where she's getting her information she is definitely open to learn at this point. On the negative she keeps on asking me if I think it's her and my dad's fault since my childhood wasn't exactly rosey. I've tried to explain how the two aren't likely to be related and that I've met gay people before who had fantastic childhoods and were close to both parents. But she still isn't sure about this and I think she is blaming herself. And then she keeps on telling me to wait on coming out to x and then a similar conversation about y. I really think she's afraid of me coming out of the closet at this point. In all honesty, I know I need to be patient - I really do understand, I've been there, but her attempts at keeping me closeted are getting on my nerves. Suggestions would be most helpful here. But anyway, thats where I'm at. Thanks for all support and sorry I write so much.
I am glad I could do something to help you out. As for the blaming thing it is part of the stages that parents go through soon after they find out that their child is gay.It will fade eventually.Giving your mom some time to deal with this is probably the best way you can help her.Also reassuring her that you love her and that it is not her fault that you are gay. That is good that she is talking to a bi/lesbian cousin of yours.That is a very positive sign for both you and her. Going to www.pflag.org is defintely a good idea and there are suggestions of books you can read(or give to your mom in this case) as well as things you can download for her.Give her time to get used to the idea of going to a pflag meeting or reading the material.
Thanks....it was a huge help. I ended up sending some stuff to my mom in a long email. I made sure to explain it wasn't her fault and why it wasn't. I'm pretty hopeful at this point, I think she's begining to come around. She even asked what I thought of Mel Gibson. and for the record - ick [not meant as an offense to any mel gibson lovers]
Double ick. He may be attractive on the outside (and even that's debatable IMHO), but he's pretty ugly on the inside. Lex
