So...my mom was watching Project Runway while I was in the other room on my laptop (I'm not a fan of that show at all) and she made a comment that really offended me and I have no idea how to rationalize this. One of the contestants on that show is gay and acts very feminine and when he was talking to the judges, she turned to me and said, "Agh! Don't ever act like that. I'll slap you silly if you do." I didn't respond to her. I just looked up and went back to what I was doing on my laptop. Don't get me wrong, she's usually a very good person and we have a wonderful relationship, but that comment she made was very unexpected. I'm closeted to most people, including her. I don't act like the guy on that show (and I'm not at all saying being feminine is wrong. I had no problem with the way that guy was acting, but she clearly did for some reason.) I show no signs of being gay when I'm around her. Hearing my mom say things like that make me never want to come out to her. I think she has this whole mindset that all gay men are feminine and talk "girly". Even though I don't act like that, it still hurts hearing my own mother saying that and I'm having a hard time just letting it go. I just wish she was a little more educated on all this. Do you think that was homophobic? ...I'm also not trying to make it sound like she's a hateful person or anything. I still love her, but it's just that one comment she made that really upset me.
I think yes, it was out of ignorance, and specifically toward talking and acting feminine, not exactly the gay part alone. But, I'm not sure if your mom is homophobic
Has she ever shown her feelings on "regular" gay people? It could be she is not as much homophobic as she is intolerant to feminine men.
A lot of people are intolerant to overly flamboyant gay men without being homophobic. She probably meant that you should never act that annoying, but there's no telling for sure. It honestly doesn't sound like a homophobic comment to me, more like intolerance towards a specific kind of person.
Not necessarily homophobic, but she may be intolerant towards a group of gay men who she regards as flamboyant or over the top. My own parents were accepting when I came out to them, but my Dad has expressed dislike for gay men who "camp it up" because he sees it as fake. Maybe your Mom feels the same way? In fairness, the same intolerance exists within the gay community. Is it right or fair? No, I don't think so, but it doesn't mean your Mom will hate or reject you.
Like others said it might not be widespread homophobia but just against flamboyant gay men. Also, maybe she just finds this particular guy really obnoxious. If she rarely or never says anything like that just let it slide. If she often says things like that then it's probably some homophobia.
If I read into your mother's statement which I don't think is homo phobic, she may be telling you she knows you are Gay. There are all types of people in the world, flamboyant Gays are one as are muscle head straight guys who I find annoying. Am I muscle phobic? Think she's just concerned for you and letting you know she knows.
Yes - I also think her comment (suggests at least) = "I know you're gay". But you won't know unless you talk to her about it. And I have seen countless times, both here and IRL, that once a relative discovers the truth about one's sexuality, how it dramatically changes their outlook.
Okay, no judgement here.. but I wanna start off by saying, I don't believe in the word homophobic a phobia is an irrational fear of something.. or something to avoid, I don't think all people who disagree with LGBT related subjects are scared of them, maybe just not knowledgeable, or understanding of it.. I will say that, I think your mom overreacted, yes. & unfortunately it's a normal reaction for many who may not agree with it, I don't think society has changed as much as the media leads people to believe, LGB marriage being passed is a step for some, but it doesn't change the public perception that some people have, it's going to take some time. But I know what that's like, I have family that's the same. I don't agree with stereotypes, but I can understand if maybe that's what your mom is worried about, no disrespect to others who express themselves freely, & this is not in anyway a diss to anyone; but I get why some people are turned off by the feminine acting of the gay male community, sometimes people go too far with it.. & I hate to say it, even come off girly in that sense.. & use that to define themselves, you can be gay.. but be an average Joe, you don't have to be in bright colors or change the way you talk, you can just be you but I do believe that some people push it too much & end up bringing this stereotype of the community that many people might be uncomfortable with, but in the situation with your mom, maybe just educate her on the different layers to the community, not everyone is the same.. you don't have to necessarily give yourself away, or hint at yourself.. but you can just subtly slide some info in, for her to read or look at. Maybe approach her when she's in a calm mood, but if you want to come out to her.. maybe do it when you're truly ready, don't rush it if you, or her.. are not in a good place.
Bump. Something else happened and I need some more opinions plz. It could be she finds this particular guy annoying. It's hard to tell if she's actually homophobic or not because she's not usually like that. Today, she watched a second episode of that show and while the guy was talking to the judges, my mom was mocking how he talked and said "Thaaannnkksssss Heidiiiii (the judge), I'mmmm a gaaaaayyyy mannnnn." and she said it in a very harsh way. I can't help but get offended by her comments. I'm a little annoyed too with the way this guy talks and acts, but she really takes it too far and insults him every time the camera is on him. Can she not really be homophobic but just hates this particular guy? How can I know for sure??? ...and I don't think it's because she knows I'm gay.
Why don't you ask her? If she's comfortable making fun of the guy, she's probably comfortable talking about it: "Hey mom, you know your faaavorite PR contestant? Is it him personally you don't like, or gay guys in general, or just overly flamboyant, feminine types?" Just don't use the word "homophobic"; it pretty much makes everybody defensive.
I think Purplefrog is onto something here. She may have thoughts that you are gay and IF you are, she is saying that her problem is with flamboyance, not with you as you are currently behaving. A LOT of people are simply uncomfortable with people who don't act out the stereotype they associate with gender as "normal". The media reinforces this by overemphasizing the flamboyance in TV characters, because they know that many people still think of gay men as flamboyant for a number aberrant reasons in their own heads. We know that most gay men are casually invisible as to their sexuality, even if if straights don't. If and when you decide to come out to her, you should make it clear that you are still going to be the same you that she knows now, only more open and honest with her, and not going to suddenly change your personality and become flamboyant, because that simply isn't who you are.
