Having 2nd Thoughts About Everything

The gargoyle's taking time out from his heavy schedule of gambling and stuffing-self-at-all-you-can-eat-buffets (OK, not really) to say a few things.

It sounds like your mom's a worrier. One of those people who, for whatever reason, seems happier freaking out than simply taking things as they come. My partner has a bit of this. He's made Thanksgiving dinner for my family several times, and he tends to have at least one freak-out ("there's no way I can get this all done, dinner won't be ready, I don't know what we're going to do") during the preparation. But guess what? Everything eventually comes together, everybody loves the food, and he wants to do it again next time.

So your mom freaked out some. So some things weren't "perfect to her". She's at least in her late fifties - she no doubt is acutely aware that things NEVER run perfect. Things happen, the cookies get burnt, there's no time to hang the garlands, whatever. And you know as well as I do that Christmas is never "ruined" because the cookies are too dark, or because you didn't have time to trim the tree. The thing that "ruins" Christmas is family and friends fighting with each other. As long as everybody's there - in body or spirit - and as long as they all have a good time, that's a successfuly Christmas, tree or no tree.

Your job as a son-of-freaking-out-mother isn't not to try to make her life as perfect as possible. That just draws you into the "life must be perfect" way of thinking, and then you start freaking out when things go wrong. Your job is damage control. To show that when the cookies burn, you can whip up another batch, or buy some at the grocery store. Your job is to show that when things don't go according to plan - which they quite often don't - that you can deal with the bumps in the road. You just try to keep things on an even keel, and show her that life can kick-ass even in all its imperfection.

You're right on one point - you shouldn't hide things from your family But you shouldn't create some sort of fake "perfect" (to her eyes) life to live just so she won't do one of her freakouts. Your job is to live your life the way YOU see fit, and to show your mother that just because it may not be the "perfect" life in her eyes, that doesn't mean that it can't still kick ass. Maybe your mom WILL freak out when she finds out. If she freaks out when the cookies burn, I'd say it's rather likely - it may be her modus operandi. But that doesn't mean you have to lie and pretend everything is "perfect" (in her eyes). It just means you have to show her that just because you're gay, that doesn't mean life can't kick ass.

Stick with it. Tell her. Prepare for her to worry, because that's what she does. But be prepared to calm her fears, and explain why liking guys is like burning cookies - it may not be in the plan she had, but that doesn't mean everyone's gonna be unhappy.

Enough - the buffet is calling. Go kick ass.

Lex

 

I agree with Lex and again he hit the nail right on the head.

I would like to add. Please don't go back into the closet and don't stop dating the guy you met.

I've come a long way in the past couple of months and finally started to enjoy life. I had this feeling of openness that was so empowering. I've spent the past three days with my family and I'm not out to them. It has just been crushing. I feel like I am a spy in a hostile country and I have pretty closed back up and things just suck again.


So please don't throw away the past 6 months of progress. At your mom's age she has been through quite a bit, and she has raised several kids. Raising kids is the hardest thing someone can do, and she came through it. She may freak out at first, but with your help she will get through it.

I never had a very good relationship with my biological mother. Things very tense between us, but at the end of the day I was still her son and she was still my mother so we moved past it and we still loved each other.

 

Please reconsider! You've come such a long way. You now accept yourself,which is
usually harder than how others will accept you.
I know your dad has been sick,and I'm sorry for that. But,please think about YOU,for a change.
I'm willing to bet,that once you actually do this,you'll wonder why it took you so long.
Your mom is your mom. She will continue to love you,regardless.
As far as your new guy goes,don't give that up. You seem so much happier,since that began. Isn't it time for YOU to live YOUR life and be happy?
You're a great and caring guy/son. Just take a HUGE breath and tell her.
Remind her that nothing has changed,you're still the same guy you've always been.
Tell her you love her enough to share your ENTIRE life with her.
I know you can do this. I am here for you,as I'm sure everyone here is,too.
Like I said earlier,you've come a long way. Too far to go back. That dark closet is no place to live. You know that,now.
Sweetie,you'll be okay. We only have one chance at life. Live it the way you were meant to. Good luck. Lots of love, Mickey*

 

I'm not at the point where I felt ready to tell my family (parents/sister) -but I'll tell you this - whatever you decide to do - you're not going backwards, you're just not moving forwards. You've come a long way, you've accepted in yourself who you are, you've started looking towards finding a "special someone" - that's all good, and just because you decide not to tell them now, doesn't mean you're going backwards.

Maybe the busy Christmas family visit isn't the right time. Maybe it is.

Take your time, pick your moment (when your mom isn't fussing over the stove for example!) and good luck.
(*hug*)

 

Remember to Breathe. That is Vital. Breathe like an infant. Inflate your abdomen first and then slowly inflate your chest. Helps me relieve anxiety.

 

I know this is really hard for you. It is normal to have second thoughts. Give yourself some time to make the decision about whether to tell your parents. There is no rush, so if you are not ready, don’t. You have to do what is right for you.

However, not telling your parents is a very different thing from choosing to go way back into the closet. You have come a long way since you arrived here. I went back and read some of your earliest posts on EC. Here is one of them from July 2, 2008:

What a difference 2 weeks makes. When I first signed up a couple of weeks ago on EC I was so stressed out and felt so hopeless about my sexuality. When I did my first post I was at wits end. For over a year I felt I was gay but I was too chicken to admit it to my self. Every time I though of it I hated myself and had a lot of self loathing and thought I would be alone for the rest of my life.

EC has been great with everyone with advice to me and reading everyone’s postings in the forum. Now I feel optimistic about my future. When I say to myself that I am gay I do not hate myself. I am starting to feel okay with this. I am not too sure that I can officially change my orientation on my profile to gay right now but in my heart I know that someday soon I will be able to. I am starting to think of my next steps in what to do to meet other gay people to socialize and maybe meet someone special. I have sent private messages to some of you on what my next steps may look like and it’s been very helpful. I found a PFLAG group that meets once a month a couple of towns from me. I am seriously thinking of going the next time they meet in a few weeks. I though I would share with guys some of my thoughts. Thanks again everyone!!

Has anyone gone to any PFLAG meetings? How are they​

Think back to the hopelessness and overwhelming stress you felt. I remember those feelings too. Do you really want to go back there? I know I don’t. For the first time in 40 years, you are living your life as you were meant to. You are finally enjoying yourself in a way you were never able to in the past. As you know, I have met someone and now have feelings for him that I never felt for anyone in my life. He is someone I could see spending the rest of my life with. I know you want to feel that too and you will if you just allow yourself to be who you are.

When you are old, you can look back and say, “I enjoyed my life” or “what a lousy and unfulfilling life I led.” Only you can make the decision as to which life it will be. There are no second chances. This is your life; live it to the fullest. It is not your mother’s life or your father’s. They have their own lives to live. Each day, it is you who has to make it through until the sun sets and comes up again tomorrow. You must decide how you are going to spend those precious seconds, minutes and hours – happy or unhappy. Once they are gone, you can never get them back.

You have accomplished the hardest part, accepting that you are gay. Don’t go backwards.

 

Glad to hear you're feeling better - as I said, not a step backwards, just a pause. Good luck and best wishes.
(*hug*)
T.

 

I am so glad to hear you say that. (*hug*)