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Somebody help me before I go nuts.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by GuitarGirl1350, Dec 27, 2008.

  1. GuitarGirl1350

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    I'm sitting here almost having a panic attack. My heart is pounding and my breathing is getting shorter.

    Someone please tell me how to deal with this because clearly I am incapable.

    One of my best friends (and don't say he isn't because of how he is, but we'll get there)...we'll call him Mitch.
    Mitch and I have a coffee date on Monday, which we do often. It's kind of our thing. I've known Mitch since I was in first grade-- age 5 or so. We've been friends for 12 years. He is a fiercely loyal friend, a respectful person, and a wonderful guy. We have amazing friend chemistry-- it's just one of those things were you never, ever have to work at it, even when you fight. It just fixes itself. It's magical like that. We have a deep trust in each other, and a great deal of respect for each other even when we differ on opinions. I could go on and on, I just wanted to stress how close Mitch and I are and what kind of connection we have.

    Here's where things get sticky.

    Mitch is an extremely devout evangelical Christian. He has been raised in his church to never question anything he is told about Jesus or God, and yes, this is a great thing because it gives him strength even when he sometimes finds he hasn't the will to carry on. I went to his church for about a year, back when my mum made me go to church every Sunday. To sum it up, they're nuts. Batshit, absolutely. I have horror stories from there, but I won't go into them. Mitch isn't like that, but he is very passionate and--fiercely loyal-- to his church. Do not blame him. He does not know any better. This is the way he thinks and the way he has been programmed his entire life. They are taught there to not associate with nonChristians. If they do, it is to proselytize. He is not that extreme. He does have nonChristian friends. He is not as insane as most of them.

    They teach that homosexuality is the sin to end all sins. Mitch deeply frowns upon it. Okay, fine and dandy. There's people like that. I have another friend who's quite against it but is still my friend. The problem? And here's where things get REALLY sticky.

    Because I've known Mitch my entire life, he knew me as a Christian. He knew me when I was going through my Catholic sacraments and actually understood what they meant (I didn't, and to this day wish I was never confirmed). Mitch isn't Catholic, btw. Mitch was very proud to have an upstanding Christian citizen as his best friend. He doesn't hang our friendship on my Christianity, but it is a big part of it.

    I am an Atheist. I don't believe in God. Mitch does not know this. He is so proud of me as a person that I can't bring myself to hurt him that way. There's not a way for him to understand that Atheists have morals and are good people. It's just the way he knows. Please, please don't blame him for this. I don't outright lie to him-- our conversations rarely, if ever, involve God and religion. I figure that revealing my Atheism is not a huge deal, and perhaps will come in time as Mitch matures out of the bubble he currently lives in (homeschool, to work at the church, to youth group, to church service. repeat weekly.) I feel horrible for not being completely honest, but I can NOT hurt him that deeply. His faith is the closest thing to him. It is what he clings to and holds dear, and I can NOT shatter his idea of me like that.

    The more important thing...my lesbianism. We're both teenagers, so obviously the topic of dating comes up alot. Mitch tells me who he likes, the conversation rolls around to me...I brush it off like I'm completely uninterested in the dating life. He says he envies me for being uninterested, and he wishes he could be. I laugh, but I feel something twinge and hurt inside. This boy, who has grown into an amazing young man, is one of my best friends. And yet, in some way, he barely knows me. And I'm compelled to tell him...but I can't bear to hurt him. I can't. He would never, EVER look at me the same way. EVER. It would crush him. He would mourn. I can not do this to him, not now, not ever.

    And yet...he can't wait until I get married to find out. He won't believe "She's my roommate" for the rest of our lives. At some point, he will begin to wonder. But, here's where things get worst.

    He is involved in activities at my school. As I said, he's homeschooled, but they let him do things at my school. He associates with alot of my friends and people who know me. People who know of me. I'm 100% out at school. If you don't know Jackk's a big ol' Lezzie, you live under a rock. I'm sure he's heard it and brushed it off as nonsense, but sooner or later, the abundance of people who know of this fact is going to nag at him.

    I don't want him to believe it from someone else. I don't want him to be in pain, at all, for me.

    I just feel like total shit and I don't know what to do. I've calmed down considerably while writing this, but please, please tell me what to do.

    (No "He's not really your friend" responses please. That will do ANYTHING but help.)
     
  2. revolutionrock

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    I would definitely do what your heart is telling you to do. That may take some self-realization on your part, but that is the best advice. If you feel compelled to tell him everything, do so. If not, don't.

    But I will say that people have a tendency, not necessarily to change, but to open their minds a bit with those close to them. I think that in this case it will take a lot of work on both sides, but I do not believe that the friendship is in dire straits just yet.

    One's best tool in situations like this, or any, really, is honesty. Religion can be a powerful motivator, but so can friendship. I'd wager that after 12 years, and by the way you talk about your friend in your post, our relationship has a solid foundation.

    :slight_smile:

    Good luck in whatever you choose to do.
     
    #2 revolutionrock, Dec 27, 2008
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2008
  3. Greggers

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    Well, i know were your coming from.

    I have a friend, great person, but his one flaw is that he was brought up to believe homosexuality is the same thing as murdering a child in his books. He dosnt know better though, so i dont blame him.

    There are a few tips i can give you, first one being DONT let him find out from rumors. Rumors, like the name suggests, are many lies built up around a tiny peice of truth. You dont have your friend to hear the bad ones flying around about you, and that be his first experience with finding out about your sexuality. The good news is, he seems to already have an idea you are as it is. This will help alot. Your going to want to tell him yourself. That way you get to use your own words and you control the speed and flow of the conversation. You can answer all his questions, and react accordingly to his responses.

    Another tip is never give up on him. People brought up in strict Christian backgrounds are less likely to take the news in a positive way, but with a little conversation and background text you can sway there opinions. As long as you dont bash his faith as you do it that is. Find some good text on Liberal Christianity, and how they view homosexuality. Scientific facts about how its not a choice also might help. You have to lay it all out on the table and let your friend find his own opinions. It might take him awhile, some people take years, to accept you but if you are really that close then its worth fighting for. Never give up, stay strong, and be true to yourself!

    You go girl! :slight_smile:
     
  4. boy0boy

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    I guess in some respects I could never fully understand a situation like this because I have not been raised by or am any means near or around such religiously devoted people. (Actually yes I do have a few friends now that I think about it)


    ANYWAYS. Sometimes friendship in it's own is just enough to endure anything. A huge mistake any gay/lesbian person makes in coming out is analyzing every persons possible reaction and thinking in "extremes." Often it's not the case- how many times to you utterly freak out and shun people on a regular day? Not often. EVEN people who have strong beliefs USUALLY don't go around openly hating people who don't believe the same way. You are right in thinking that your conversation with him about the subject will possibly change things.. and so what?! Is it that heavy a price to pay for having your friend know your true self? It isn't a big deal as so far as you explained your situation, you said many people already know.. so why do you feel there needs to be some explanation now? If he truly questioned then he would ask you right out. If he didn't and you continued being friends (all the while not lying but if you wish.. avoiding saying certain things to give you away) then no harm would be done. Usually there is a breaking point you reach when you feel that you MUST say something (probably from all the years we sat by and let ourselves be labeled straight) then do so with the knowledge that his reaction is beyond your control. Is it possible to lose friends over being gay, yes... its the sad truth- would you rather have him in your life at any means necessary otherwise? Well that's up to you to answer.
     
  5. starfish

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    I would suggest sitting down with quite with a laid back atmosphere. A coffee shop like you mentioned might work, if there have a section that not many people use.

    Then maybe talk the past for a while to remind him how good of a person you are and when you are friends. Then I would bring up the topic of homosexuality. Ask why he thinks it is so bad, not what the church says but why he thinks it is bad. Don't challenge him on what he says, approach it like you are trying to understand it and want him to explain it. I think what would happen is he won't know and will hopefully realize he is just repeating what he has heard. At that point you could tell him you are gay and reiterate you are still the same person you have always been.

    Someone used a similar approach with me once on a different topic and I have to say it went really well. I did not feel backed into a corner or feel the need to defend my self so I took the news very well.

    He may be distant for a while, but if he is truly your friend he will come back to you.
     
  6. Lexington

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    If you don't want it to be a big deal between you two, you're going to have to treat it like it's no big deal.

    First off, is there another gay couple at school you can reference? Adam and Steve, say? If so, find something positive to say about them. "Adam took his boyfriend to a football game for their six-month anniversary. That seems like a kind of odd date, but I guess it worked for them, since they both like football." He likely will make some sort of comment about his views on homosexuality at this point. He may surprise you - he may be vaugely accepting, in which case, take that as a good sign. Or he may not - he may say something critical. If he does, say "I forgot - your church is pretty hardcore against homosexuality. Sorry - won't bring it up again." And then...don't. If you start dating a women, and he asks about your love life, you can say "Honestly, I don't think you want to hear about it." And it'll be up to him if he wants to dig deeper.

    Lex
     
  7. GuitarGirl1350

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    Thanks for your advice everyone. I think I will take bits of pieces of everyone's in my approach, but only do this if the subject comes up. Thanks, so much, everyone. :] You're all awesome.
     
  8. myra

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    I took a discussion course at school last quarter on gender, religion, and sexuality. There were both hard core christians and atheists in it. I think you both truly respect eachother because of your deep friendship. I honestly don't think he's going to abandon you because of your sexuality or beliefs. He might be hurt and think that you are going to hell, he might even tell you that. Your friendship might be tense for awhile, but he'd loosen up. If your heart is really pulling you to tell him, then by all means do. But do it respectfully, sitting in a comfortable, non threatening atmosphere, then say you want to have a serious discussion, but not an argument. I'm sure he'll respecto your beliefs and become accustomed to them eventually. My mom is convinced i'm going to hell but, surprisingly, despite her strong christian beliefs, is allowing me to live the way i think is right.