I'm leaving for college in a few days. I'm gay, I don't know how my roommate identifies. I'm curious how people initiated that conversation of informing their roommate that they might be having boyfriends or over. How exactly does that conversation go? Just leave it until I do bring a boyfriend over? How does one handle this issue in the heteronormative society we live in?
have you guys talked before your moving in? i have no roommate experience in college but im sure there's some way that could ease into conversation
I would not leave it until you do bring someone over. If you do plan on having someone over, then it is good to try to get it out of the way early on so you have an opportunity to switch rooms if your roommates takes real conflict with it. I know for where I go, although it is a pretty liberal, people rarely have conflicts with roommates when it comes to sexuality. You can be pretty surprised at how many people really don't care. Just try to ease it in early on and hope your roommate will be smart enough to accept it.
I agree with SunSparks. It would be nice if you could be 100% confident it would be no issue and just bring the boyfriend over whenever, but reality isn't always like that. In the end, coming out to your roommate is rather similar to coming out to anyone else. It's only the outcome that is different. If they really can't handle it, I hope you have the possibility to change rooms. So, with that in mind, you could bring it up rather early, and mention it in passing so that they know it's not something to make a big deal out of. If they start talking about girls, or dating on campus, or missing their long-distance girlfriend, for example, that's an opening for you -- particularly if you've already dated a guy, you could say, "Oh, my ex-boyfriend used to..." Or you could just approach it as part of the "What do we do if we want to bring someone over? Secret signal on the door? Send a text?" talk, which frankly every roommate should have (I learned this the hard way). Those are just a couple ideas, but I think, when you meet your roommate, you'll figure out the right moment to tell him. The thing is, no matter how you approach it: if he wants to make it into a problem, he will. If he's cool with it, he'll still be cool with it.
I think it would be better to do as soon as possible... You haven't moved in yet, so if he has a big problem with it you could request a new roommate before you're both unpacked. My dorm neighbor was rooming with a very vocal lesbian and she was pretty cool about it after a while... and after they came up with a code word on their door's whiteboard so that she wouldn't walk in on her and her girlfriend XD;;;;
What I did with mine (just went through the same thing as you) is when we were texting, kind of getting to know each other I just asked about his religious views, then asked about the lgbtq community, glad I did cuz it turned out he's an atheist with a gay brother so it worked out really well.
