Boyfriend... Not my cup of tea.

Hello all,

I am a girl, who is... well... confused. I am definitely not straight though, and I think I am lesbian, but I am not sure.

Ever since I was young, I had crushes on celebrities, and people I knew like all people do, but it was always the same sex people.... girls. I never really took to heart that fact, or payed attention since I didn't know about relationships at a young age... I did however have crushes on guys and payed more attention since it was "normal" as everyone put it, but every time I were to get close to a guy that I liked and he liked me back I would feel so nervous that I would walk away.... that is normal, but later in high school years I actually had a "boyfriend" or two... the reason I quoted Boyfriend, was because I was really close with him, but I insisted to keep it friendly. I called him my "friend." and my friend only. Only everyone knew I like liked him... Sure, I had appreciation for him, but I would not want to be close to him at all like relationships make you do. I thought I may just be too young...

Now I have just finished high school, and I am 19 turning 20 in November. I have a boyfriend again cause I had a friend who I had deep appreciation for and it was mistaken for having a crush.... or maybe I did have a guy crush, the way straight girls have girl crushes. Anyway, I would think now that Ive grown up I feel more comfortable with being close. But whenever he says romantic things, like :I love you" and "YOu look beautiful" and we kiss, and cuddle or whatever, I just feel like I want out... like I never want to be in this again... my throat gets tight... everything gets not so good feeling, like it is wrong for me... Now here is the thing. I started off being with him as a friend for three years, then finally in January we tried dating... It didn't feel right at all. anxiety all over... I also not long before had a crush on a girl.. who identifies as a "they". I had dreams of kissing and it felt much better, than this stuff with a guy... if a dream counts. But anyway we stopped being in a relationship for a while, and then I tried again. After a few days it felt wrong and horrible... the same as with that boy in the beginning of my high school years. So after about five times of not being and being together, we are together... He is really understanding, and not pushy at all, so there is nothing to worry about. But I just don't feel righ at all. My instincts are telling me I will be better off with a girl, but my brain is telling me be with him because life will be easier in the future with a guy... nbut I know in my heart that isn't the right way to go... go with what your instincts and heart tell you. Every time I am with a guy I don't want to be, and every time I am not, it's almost like I wish I had one, ju for the company, but I feel like I should try a girl to girl relationship and see what that is like.... ANy feedback, or advice? Should I tell himfor the fifth time or whateverth time that I don't feel comfortable and that we should be friends?

Thanks so much