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so I've gotta tell my dad now...help!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by MedGuy211, Dec 29, 2008.

  1. MedGuy211

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    So I just come out to my sister and my mother (a couple days ago). They both said they were ok w/ it. My sister said "yeah i kind of figured" and is totally supportive. But, my mom didn't really have a clue and I can tell that it hurt her a little. Asking her to keep this from my dad is really draining on her. I need to tell him.

    This terrifies me. He's an ex-marine, a huge macho man. He still saves his Maxim magazines and gives them to me. I kind of feel like I have this obligation to tell him in person, or be there or something. But, the reality is that I don't have the balls to do that. It's just out of the question. I know I could never get the words out. Even if I could, I don't think he'd hear a word I said after the word "gay."

    I got back to school on the 3rd and my mom would really like him to know before I go back. It's prob. time anyway and I'd really like to get it over with.

    My current plan is to put everything in a letter and give it to him as I leave. The end will say that he can call me when he's ready. They're planning on coming down to visit 1.5wks later so it won't fester too long.

    Does anybody have any advice? or thoughts about my plan? I know I'm far from the 1st guy to be terrified about coming out to a macho father. But, idk what to do. I'm so scared. This is the best I can come up with.

    Help!
     
  2. BitterEdge

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    Your current plan would work, but I think the more respectable thing might be to talk to your dad in person unless you feel endangered.
     
  3. biisme

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    I think a letter is a good idea, if you want to make sure that you get to say everything you want to. Since you're seeing him soon after he would get it, it's not as though you're leaving it for a long time. Another option would be to give it to him, and see waht he says...then he still has that week and a half before he sees you again to think about it som more. But, this way you would get an initial reaction as well.

    Howver, in your letter, be sure to say what's in your heart. They'll be able to hear the truth in it, and it might make it easier. You alsmo might include some PFLAG material in the letter for him to read. This might help.

    Whatever you choose, good luck! Be sure to let us know how it goes!
     
  4. Mirko

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    Hi there! I think a coming out letter is a good idea. It doesn't matter how short or long it is. A letter will give him some time to adjust to it (if he needs to). But remember that you do have also your mum and sister for support.

    Even though it is a good idea to give him the letter maybe you could give it to him the day before you leave. Like this you give him the opportunity to talk to you about it (if he wants to). Also, even though your dad is an ex-marine, and seems to be a 'macho' type person, his reaction might not be too bad. That said, go with what feels right for you and with what you feel comfortable with.

    Remember that your parents love you. Yes, there might be an adjustment period, but remember you are the one that can educate your parents and show them that you have not changed and that it is alright to be who your are. Most of the time, parents will come around to it. Maybe try printing out some material from PFLAG and give it to your parents as well (http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Our_Daughters_and_Sons_Final_03.pdf). Education is key.

    If you want, feel free to post the letter. We might be able to give you some feedback. I hope it turns out well for you! Good luck!
     
    #4 Mirko, Dec 29, 2008
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2008
  5. myra

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    I understand macho dads...i still haven't told mine. He's a huge conservative redneck. *shudder* I wouldn't go for the letter myself because i like to talk with a person face to face. Its more personal. Though, if you really don't think you'd get a word in edge wise after he hears that dreaded 3 letter word, i'm all for the letter. Put down everything your feeling in it. Explain to him that your scared of his reaction and are hoping that he can still love you because you do love him and respect him as your father. But don't give it to him until the day you leave. Put it somewhere you know he'll find. I like your idea though. I think you've got it well planned out. I'd go with that if you really don't think a chat would work out. And let your mom know ahead of time so she doesn't feel so confined.
     
  6. sdc91

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    I left my parents a letter, and they weren't offended that I didn't talk to them in person. However, they were really accepting so I don't know how your dad will react to that.
     
  7. Bryan.

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    good idea about the letter. i personally don't think i would be able to do that with my dad. but good luck and maybe he'll be supportive :slight_smile:
     
  8. MedGuy211

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    So here's my letter. I know it's short, and pretty simplistic. But, since I'm not sure how he'll take it I wanted to keep it as concrete and straight forward as possible.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    Dad,

    So as I said I’m gay. Obviously I’m writing this before we talked, so I might be repeating some stuff. But, that’s not so bad I guess. Yes, I am sure. I am gay. This is not a phase. I’ve always been this way and, on some level, I’ve always known. I came to terms with it during undergrad. But, I only really accepted it this past fall. That’s why I haven’t said anything until now. I had a lot of stuff to sort through. I still haven’t figured it all out.

    I didn’t choose this. No one would choose this. But, it’s who I am. It’s who I’ve always been. I can’t change it. No one can. But, even if I could, I don’t think I would. It’s taken me ten years to finally be able to say that. But, it’s true.

    This did not happen because of something you or mom did or didn’t do. It has nothing to do with how you raised me It’s just who I am. I’m the same person today that I was yesterday.

    Caely and mom already know. Caely has known since thanksgiving. Mom has just found out. I’d like to talk about this more with you and answer any questions. But, I know neither of us really do touchy feely talks so if you’d rather not that’s fine too. If you’d rather get other info, mom or I can show you some online resources.

    *Caely is my sister*

    Being gay isn’t really that big a deal for me anymore. But, I know it might be hard for you and that it probably comes as a shock. I’ve been working through this for over a decade. So I understand how long it can take to process something like this. I won’t call you to talk. But, I’m ready to when you are.


    Love,

    Chris
     
  9. BlakeHarmony

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    That sounds really good to me, it's straightforwad and to the point, but as far as I can see, you didn't leave anything out, I think it's a great letter.
     
  10. Nixon

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    like it
     
  11. MedGuy211

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  12. summersforecast

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    wow I'm might just steal some of that when I come out to my dad and my marine brother
    great letter I hope it goes well
     
  13. MedGuy211

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    So I told my dad this afternoon. I guess it went well. I told him as I was getting ready to go. I figured I'd tell him and then if it went bad I could give him the letter and just head back to school.

    He was taking down Christmas decorations and I just walked up and told him. He just said "OK...How long?" he didn't stop taking down the decorations. He didn't really even look at me. Then he said "OK...it's fine. Your still my son. I love you." and that was it. The whole thing took less than 90 seconds. He said he really was fine. So I left.

    It left me with this huge sense like "is that it??" It was incredibly anti-climactic. I wonder if he's really processed it yet, or maybe he already suspected. Though I doubt that's true.

    IDK, he was so nonchalant about it that it was kind of unsettling. Anyway, for better or worse, it's done.
     
  14. SlickyPants

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    Congratulations, I'm glad it went well and I'm sure it feels like a huge relief off your shoulders.

    I was also terrified to tell my dad as he has been in the military for 35 years. He was playing World of Warcraft when I told him and it was also very anti-climactic. He was completely fine with it and went back to playing his game. I was kind of shocked that he took it better than my mom did.
     
  15. boredofnormal

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    Chris, dude, Congratulations!

    I really do know the stress and fear and anxiety that goes into the initial disclosure to someone whose opinion you value (which one of us doesn't, right?). Great Job Man.

    I'm a bit behind on these EC posts as I've been in Canada for 3 weeks, more on that later...maybe I'll write a blog.

    For me, the consequences of coming out were far better than the consequences of staying in the closet. I rather like the anti-climax aspect of it all. Much less stress than I imagined it would be.

    Now you can focus on school and let the stress of 'coming out' go, since its already done. Remember, your residency (2nd year probably) is a way better time to think about serious relationships than while still in school. Semi-serious dating allowed at any time though...just keep your focus on school.
    Tim