My Letter

So, I decided to show you all the letter I'm thinking of using to come out....
I appreciate everyone who takes the time to read.

Any advice would be so great.




Dear Family/Friends,

I am going to be blunt and to the point.
Prepare to not be blown away! (I like to have side notes of interest in parenthesis.) Note: sometimes I do not have them in parenthesis.

PART 1 – The Reveal

I am not attracted to women. My blood doesn’t rush, my eyes do not become attached, and my body does not feel magnetically drawn to them. I would know… It is my body we are discussing.
If I’m going to be completely honest – just pretending that I do possess these symptoms to fit in is starting to become tiring.
(NOTE - Do not remind me of my previous relationship – do not assume my previous relationship is to “blame” – I felt the exact same way prior to mentioned relationship.)

Don’t ask me why, because I don’t know why. If I were to ask my brother what he thought about Brad Pitt’s butt he would be repulsed. This is natural and that is just how his mind and body works. I’m not a biologist, I know it has something to do with emotions and chemicals and other unknown reagents. To throw you off though I am also repulsed by Brad Pitt’s butt. (In fact I scare myself because it was the only example my mind could create.)

Remember that to assume is to make an ass out of you and me. Mostly you, though. The logical conclusion one will have is that since I am not attracted to A than I am most certainly attracted to B. You would be wholly incorrect. If I’m coming out of any closet here I am coming out of the asexual closet. (Which would have been choice D after bisexuality coming in at C.)

I am not attracted nor want any sexual connection to anybody, at all. For as long as I can recall I have always been this way. I remember telling my mom at a young age that I did not like girls and never wanted to get married or have girlfriends. Yeah, I jumped on the bandwagon once to see what it was like and ended up becoming emotionally invested. It was ok, but it wasn’t me. I am a loner, it is my nature.

Oh who am I kidding! Your assumptions were correct, I am attracted to men. Take heed though that assuming is still very risky business, tread those waters carefully. You might offend someone if you aren’t careful. Please note however that to those who are asexual this is not a slight against you whatsoever. Stand up and be yourself. No matter what!

I realize that there must be questions and concern. Be patient. I also am aware that some of you will not be even remotely surprised. I am keen on who knows and who doesn’t. Even if you never made mention or hinted at it with me I know that you knew. Yes, even you. In fact I am going to go out on a limb here and wager that I know everyone who knew. Despite them/you believing I didn’t know you knew….I knew…

I think hiding in the closet all these years has shaped me into a person I, and most of you, hate. I am scared, even now, to post this up. IF you are reading this it took a lot of willpower and courage. I live in Kentucky, as you know it isn’t one of the more GLBT-friendly states. Living amongst so many conservatives and people who are ignorant and naïve isn’t easy. People are afraid of what they cannot understand or conceive. They are afraid of things that question the way they were brought up. And to a degree they have a right to be, to a degree. To those who are opposed to my lifestyle I ask for you to respect me enough to let me have my individual privacy and freedom, as I will for you. And we can agree to disagree. I am not here to rattle any cages or disrupt your lives. I just want to live my life, as It feels like I haven’t even started yet.

Back on-topic, forgive me my rambling… I digress:

PART 2 – Déjà Vu

Don’t ask me why, because I don’t know why. (Interestingly enough why are you attracted to who you are attracted to? Do you know? No, you don’t. You’re just attracted to them….cuz they’re hawt, right? It obviously is encoded into us somehow, we can’t control this, it’s not like opening and closing our eyelids. )

Do not expect it to magically stop happening, or tell me it is just a phase I am going through, it isn’t! Many years of shame have attempted to force it away but alas all my hard work fizzled into uselessness. I cannot change who I am. I am Steven, I am a gamer, I try to be a writer; although I’ll admit I’m not that great, and I get that feeling in the pit of my stomach when an adorable guy charms me.

If I’m going to be completely honest – all those things I said didn’t happen inside of me towards females do happen towards males. My blood rushes, my eyes avert and stare, my heart glows, my body magnetically wants to feel theirs, my cheeks blush, my words fumble, my smile beams, my dreams with them linger….Oh I could go on and on and on.

I’m a romantic to the core; I’m not looking for sex. I’m looking for love. Sounds kind of sappy but only because most of us don’t have the comfort level to admit the same is true for them. (Although some are actually just in it for the sex…) Not me though, I’m looking for something real. I’ve never been the promiscuous type. It isn’t who I am. I am Steven, I am a lazy loaf, I am an admirer of good music, I like to ramble on and on when in text-mode, I’ll argue about anything and everything, and so on and so forth. The point I am trying to drive into your skulls is that although I am gay I am still the EXACT same person you grew up with. I don’t know why most people automatically perceive someone differently just because they learn of something new about them that is quite certainly minor and in no way the defining element of someone. Wow I can drag a sentence on huh? I want to add that gays in the media are portrayed in the wrong light so often. That is because they mostly only show them in one light, and everyone shows them in the same light. We encompass many lights folks! Effeminate and flamboyant gays do exist, but so do the exact opposite. A guy can act like a guy and still be homosexual. Point in case – me!

Life is extremely short. I’m not covering new ground with the “time is precious” statement but I know it strikes a chord with all of us. We all must enjoy the little time we get. I know now that in order for me to be happy I need to start discovering who I really am. I know bits and pieces here and there but I would like to know more. I’m in a slump right now. Everyone thinks of me as a jackass. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I feel that part of me was a defense mechanism, brought forth from my battle with cancer and dealing with my sexuality. It was/is my coping mechanism to deal with stress, and hopefully by turning a new leaf and finally taking steps towards finding happiness in what I want and who I am that part of me will evaporate. If not I guess I’m just a asshole. Deal with it.

No one should deny themselves happiness, ever. I know that when I think of my future my heart and soul wants there to be a man by my side holding my hand, and maybe even a husband one day. (I can dream! I might have to move to get married but if that is what it takes then so be it.) And to those who are curious I have been with men before. I am not questioning myself anymore. I have crushes on guys and feel emotionally, physically, and mentally drawn to them for companionship. I am not going to go into details here of my past experiences…for the kiddies and to show respect to those who can’t stomach it. (I realize that for some I’ve already said way too much. Quick! Think of something else fast! The sun is a mass of incandescent gas, a gigantic nuclear furnace, where hydrogen is burned into helium at a temperature of millions of degrees! )

I already feel like the entire weight of the universe has been lifted from me, I cannot even explain in words how it feels to tell you this. I hope to become comfortable with myself and with my feelings too. I know this is going to be a healthy thing for me to finally be open. I know for some it is going to take time to adjust and I understand. I just hope you all can see past this one thing, as it is not what defines me as a human being.

Love you all,
-Steven

 

Thanks so much, a lot of the people I have shown this too have also suggested the same. And I definitely intend on doing exactly that. I wanted to put the whole thing up just so you all could read the first draft.

Thanks for reading.

 

Thanks myra. I went through and took it all out, I would edit my first post but it wont let me anymore. But that part and everything that is related to it is now gone.

Now I just have to find the courage to let someone read it..

 

Thanks JRNY, you guys have no idea how much you have helped me.

I owe you all like a lot of cookies or something.

 

I've taken out like 3 paragraphs that I thought were unnecessary and some other things as well. I would post it up but I didn't add anything so you've pretty much read the skimmed up version. Most of the "pretentiousness" is now gone. Keep in mind however that I didn't sacrifice my own voice and personality for the sake of making it a simple letter. The letter does embody a lot of how I am in real life so a lot of the sarcasm still exists. (Excluding everything pertaining to the asexuality section.)

 

Thanks for the kind words punkrocker, Mickey, and Jonah!
I haven't shown anyone yet. I still am hesitant to come out. So don't give me too much credit punkrocker. I've written lots of letters and deleted lots of letters too..... I hope it doesn't end that way with this one but sometimes I am weak.

 

It's perfectly fine, and you didn't offend me at all. I also agree with you that less is more. Thanks for taking the time to read and critique.

 

To be honest I don't like that change. I said I was going to be blunt, and that line is something I'd actually say in real life. Thanks for the idea though.