Which one is in denial?

Hi, so I've posted on here before:

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/178173-weve-fooled-around-now-hes-hiding.html

My situation hasn't gotten any better, in fact it's progressively worse. But I'll give an overview then ask what I really need advice on.

So I am for all intents and purposes heterosexual, I have no sexual urges or desires for guys in general. Having said that, I met this guy and we became instant friends, he was like me in almost everyway, we clicked, we were ridiculously comfortable with each other and joked to each other about how tragic our luck with women was. We got drunk one night and made out, full on, dry humping- but nothing else. HE then text me the next day asking what we had done, I remembered but wasn't going to full on admit it, I just said who knows we were that drunk. He then tells me to "think really hard", he kept at it for a good hour or so, then I just eventually was like "oh you mean the making out and practically dry humping?" he seemed to get excited that I remembered. We laughed it off as drunken banter.

The following week we were at a house party, both a little drunk but not majorly, we snuck off to a room and were full on again on a bed this time, his legs wrapped around my waist me grinding against him, he put his hand down my pants and started to jerk me off. We were stopping every now and then cause people were coming in and out of the room and we were laughing at almost getting "caught". So the day after that, he text saying that neither of us were that drunk to blame the booze, so what does it mean? I said we were having fun, does it have to mean anything? We agreed it didn's and on a couple of other drunken nights we hooked up, kissing and fondling nothing major.

We then agreed to go a drive, both wearing sweat pants ("easy access"). We parked up on a dark back road somewhere. SOBER, he pulled my head towards his, him totally leading and kissed me full on. He then quickly moved into the back seat and we were pretty much naked. I was nervous and he offered to suck me off first, we sucked each other, but nothing else. We arrange a hotel room later in that week and we went and I then fingered him there and only put the head of my cock in his ass, it was too tight and he said it was too fast - fair enough. The next morning I woke up to him kissing me and jacking me off, good morning huh

The following week he was at mine, he was ready for his turn to try fucking me though, I wasn't ready for that and we ended up just doing the hand job and kissing bit, but falling asleep in eachothers arms.

Here's where it falls apart. He then starts to become cold, a little distant and then he makes out with some random girl in a night club when we were out. I didn't really mind, cause I did the same, we agreed that was to "cover up" in front of others. He made the cute point of saying that it didn't matter because at the end of the night he knew I was his and that I should know that he was mine.

Then one night we were drunk again, full on at his house, but a friend of ours was there too, who walked in on us kissing, but we just laughed that off, but we went off to bed together, boxers still on, hard cocks on both of us, we were grinding and kissing and moaning etc.. He pulls my head in, ear to his lips and sexually moans my name then whispers "I love You", I stared into his eyes and then kissed him harder and more sexual than before, realising I felt the same way.

The next morning I had to leave for work, he snap chats me a pic of him with two massive love bites on his kneck and a cheeky caption "Really?" as the day progressed however his texts and snaps got icier. I was supposed to go to his to get full on with him again. He tried to make an excuse, but then said I could go round anyways. He said he was too tired to do anything I said thats fine, he still invited me up to the bed though. We just fell asleep after kissing.

The following night we went out, he found the same random girl as before and brought her back to his, with me there, in front of me fooled around and tried to get her to sleep with him- she didn't that night. Following week she did then two days after that He "confessed" to me and then said he felt guilty. The reason he felt guilty, we weren't just having casual sex and drunken hook up, we went to the movies and dinners together, so we were (not realizing at the time) secretly dating.

He then goes back to the random girl for seconds and begins distancing himself from me. He then calls an end to us doing anything else. I'm gutted, surprisingly (I didn't realise just how much I wanted him), He continues to see this girl, they aren't officially bf & gf yet, one random night in the club we're all out, he knows i hate her so I keep a distance, he makes out with her, then immediately comes up to me, without saying a word he starts kissing me, tongue and all full on! I'm totally confused- we then leave together, after kissing several more times- he breaks down and confesses he doesn't think he's good enough for me, that he just wishes it would go away, but that he doesn't want it/us to stop. I'm totally confused by all of this but I agree to still secretly meet up - he wasn't exclusive with the random girl anyway.

But he still continued to pull away from me, continued to sleep with her and yet on nights out be all over me too, until they became official- then he avoided me on nights out- even then though there was a few times he was still all over me. Then I say I've had enough, I want him to stop treating me like shit- he explodes, refusing to accept that part of him and that he doesn't want us to be together that way- we have a fall out, but we then start speaking the next day.

So he and the girl eventually split, but he doesn't tell me I find out from someone else. He is still keeping his distance from me, like only texting and messaging, but not meeting up- even as friends, he avoids being too near me. He then sleeps with this one girl, who is bad news, she has now become clingy with him- but he won't let her go now either. He doesn't like her, he's said as much and doesn't find her remotely attractive, but he still sleeps with her. He knows its killing me, that I hate seeing him with her, like he chose her because I dislike her too.

Here's the part where I'm confused. He told me he loved me, he told me that he wanted me. Now he's refusing to be near me, like when he's drunk he won't be too close to me and he clings to the girl he's with or with the lads (who were all my friends too). He's being unusually cold to me and he's taking risks (health risks) to in my opinion prove his straightness.

Now he hasn't slept with either girl sober, and he always has people in his house when he does (like an audience in the other room to prove a point). He has said out loud that he DOESN'T want to deal with his feelings for me.

So am I in denial that he's no longer into me? He keeps displaying signs of EGo-Dystonic sexuality and Internalized homophobia, but then says he dosn't want it- but just bcause he doesn't want it doesn't mean its not who he is. My biggest annoyance is I never wanted or expected it- HE brought it all to me, confessed his true feelings then ran- is he still running?

 

Ok, so I had yet another argument with him yesterday, to try and get some answers. All through texts.

When I asked him to tell me why he ran- in anger he replied, "Because I haven't felt that way about you in a long time."

I then wanted to know since when and why he had strung me along then?- because it was only a few weeks ago he was offering it up to me, again. his response was "Since I don't know when but it was a while ago, we will never get back to how we were..."

I then reminded him that it was only a few weeks ago when I flirtatiously text him (he had snuck off to go for a bath) asking if he fancied a bit of fun, a kiss- to which he replied "maybe" and then offered me a blow job as well. I asked him what I was to him, what we were and why he all of a sudden stopped feeling that way about me. I did also go on to diss the girl he has been sleeping with (on the rebound I might add!), my bad :/.

His response was to defend her and totally ignore the bit about the bath tub and the question of what I was and am to him. He got angrier in his responses, but all to the defense of this girl he's now fucking (who is clingy and bad news). He does spend all his time around her, but in that if he does then maybe he'll develop real feelings for her (and because he's with her, he's not around me, creating distance between us, which to me is making it easier for him to deny his feelings, suppress them and/or believe they aren't there anymore.

I basically called him out for trying to defend her so much and for not addressing the blow job comment or answering the real question of us. I went on to say that it's like he knows when he's drunk that he could slip up so he stays away from me or only interacts with me when the girls there or he's surrounded by other people. I told him not to blame it on me- he tried to say I was pushing him- I hold my hands up, I want him and I've told him that, I told him that I wanted him to stop pretending, not even to come out (I'm not "out" either), but this whole relationship, the sexual intimacy was all spear headed by him, brought on by him, dumped on me by him....

He chose to ignore that whole part and focus on the girl, repeating that he liked her, "at first I didn't, but now I've developed feelings for her" and that he "wants to be friends...but we both make it hard"

I again, called him out saying "you haven't developed feelings, you have done what you did with the last girl- you hang around her so much that you then cling to her." I repeated that he brought all of this on to me, meaning he must have some level of attraction, whether it was just for me or for guys in general, but it was him that wanted it. I admitted that I only make it hard by not letting him deny what we had, by being a constant reminder of what we've done etc... (Sidenote: One friend who doesn't know we've done anything, believes he's gay and crushing on me, but he pushes me away because I'm the one that makes him feel that way and he doesn't want to begay or bi or whatever... could there be some element of truth in that- she genuinely doesn't know that we were actually having sex).

He then goes on to ignore the comments about attraction etc, focusing on the "I like her" argument and then telling me that if I wanted us to be great friends again (and I have said I do) that I wouldn't be bothered by him and this girl (clearly he's an idiot!)

I then called him on our previous argument, asking him if he was really that desparate to hide- that he admitted before that he was refusing to deal with us and that part of him.

His response "I'm not hiding fuck all", I then asked why he had said he wasn't going to deal with it before then? and then made some more comments about the girl- he again ignored the hiding question and went on to defend her- to be clear I am not being horrible about the girl for the sake of it, she has done, said stuff about both him and me and she's been twisted.

He then said I had impossible standards, these were the same standards he had towards girls when he was with me- but he has none now- which I believe is due to his need to be with whatever girl opens her legs to him (he's not much of a looker, according to everyone else- but to me he's cute and what can I say, he was mine lol). And its like he's desperate to cling to what he can to prove, I think, to himself more than anybody that he's straight.

We argued ourselves out of the argument agreeing to get back to our ridiculously close friendship. We were so emotionally close to each other, from day one and so physically comfortable (something he hasn't been with any of the girls he's clung to- trying to force that same connection he had instantly with me on them) that we made other people uncomfortable haha. I think that's what lead to our sexual intimacy in the first place.

Now I've explained all of that argument because I want unbiased opinions, suggestions, advice on whether I'm in denial about him.

He has pushed me away emotionally and avoids me physically- like we don't hang out very much now and when we do it's always awkward and someone joked that there's "sexual tension" between the two of us (again neither of us are "out" so they say it in jest). I don't want to ask him directly, but I wonder if he does it deliberately. We agreed to get back to our great friendship, but it all feels a little one sided, like he's holding back on the emotional closeness, the physical comfort and the total openness we had, because he "fears" and knows that it may lead back to sexual intimacy, which he knows, if he was to make a move, I wouldn't stop him- I wouldn't force myself on him either, but I have said I wouldn't stop him if he tried anything.

Am I in denial over what he actually feels? I mean if he was truly comfortable with who he is and totally confident that nothing sexual will happen between the two of us, he wouldn't be so distance and stand offish with me right? Before we got sexual, he would sit randomly and hold my hand, he fell asleep on my lap and then put his head under my t-shirt, face pressed against my bare abs- this was before we ever even kissed. That's because I am that comfortable with who and what I am and I guess he thought he was too, that comfortable with me and now because we have been so sexually intimate, even with a guarantee from me- I'm not the kind of guy to force myself on anyone, drunk or sober!- he can't relax around me and I keep asking myself if it's because he's not as confident as he makes out that he doesn't want to be with me that way.


I should mention that two nights ago he kissed another girl on a night out, I wasn't there and neither was the girl he's been clinging to (not to be horrible but she was not a looker either- I was told) but he never told me, a mutual friend did, but he asked said friend not to tell the girl he's been casually fucking AND not to tell me either. Suffice to say the mutual friend is closer to me and wasn't gossiping, she actually wanted to know why he specifically didn't want me to know. The girl he's been sleeping with found out last night and they apparently had a massive argument and she told him never to speak to her again - but I think he's managed to worm his way back in with lies and promises (Like he can't risk losing her as his "beard", especially after the argument we had earlier in the night). Again though he never told me about the argument, I found out from someone else. When I text just to see if he was ok, he ignored my texts.

I text him this morning t see how he was feeling, he replied back as though everything was great- so he's managed to talk the girl round and he's probably fucked her again last night. He's meeting up with me to go a walk and talk, I think in his mind to "clear the air" but I don't know what I want to happen tonight, what I want to say isn't probably what I should say and it's soul destroying for me that he would try so hard and risk so much (there's health risks with what he's doing with this girl) with her and yet he's too scared to accept that part of him - and it's not like some of the stories I've read where I crush on him and we have never done anything and I just suspect him of being gay- he's sucked me off (more than I have him) had my dick and fingers in his ass and he confessed that he loved me and it was him that "forced" all of it on to me.

I've rambled on, but does any of that make sense? Is he experiencing Ego-Dystonic Sexuality, where he identifies as straight but has all these gay urges and then he is desperate to deny them (which I don't get because he acted on them before- until we were "caught" that one time, same night he professed his love for me). He is showing all the signs and conducting all the actions of some one with internalized homophobia, the denial, the snide comments about gays (which he never did before) and the more obvious hiding behind and ugly girl as his "beard"- OR am I just making excuses? I;m not imagining the distance or any of the other actions and it's little things he says and does that just drive home that he's running and hiding- he says he "just doesn't want it" with no argument to back it up, no explanation and getting angry, directing at me, but its like he's angry at himself and taking it out on me.

If you managed to read through all that, firstly thank you and secondly any comments would be greatly appreciated.