Coming out letter to friends

What an amazing letter.... So true words, so many feelings... :tears::icon_redf

 

I don't think hand-written would be cowardly. In fact, I think it would make it a little more special. But which ever way you decide would be absolutely fine, I think. It's more about what's in the letter.

 

A great letter. It's not cowardly at all and think a hand written letter can be very personable. Though I wouldn't as my hand writing is terrible. I think a note is more fair to the person you are telling. When you have tell someone face to face you get to plan your conversation but they are put on the spot, with a letter they can figure out how they actually feel before making a response.

 

Your letter brought a tear to my eye (which is rare, such is the power of my false facade). So much of it is as if you're writing about my own experiences - your defence mechanism, your difficulty letting friends in, not feeling you have the strength to share... I'm really sorry to hear about your brain tumour, which must add a whole other burden onto everything else you're dealing with.

I think your friends will be touched that you're being so open and honest with them, and in such a considered way. I think this letter will be a good way of opening up the conversation with them, at a pace you're all comfortable with.

All the very best,

Tom x

 

Good luck

 

Hand written letters are a loston art
I Came Out to a cousin who is Gay in a hand written letter. Ad soon as he got it he and his husband called and we had a great conversation.

Hope medically your doing well.

 

... Well, that's something.
Good job. It's very good.

 

Sounds like it went very well -- best wishes to you for a long, healthy, happy, successful, safe, and gay life!
DZ

 

What a wonderful response from them, i'm really, genuinely happy for you. Your friends have made it clear how proud they are of you, and rightly so - i hope you'll allow yourself to feel proud of what you've acheived, and that it gives you a welcome boost as you embark on the next steps of starting to live as a more authentic, openly gay man. Thanks so much for sharing this stage of your journey.

Much love, Tom

 

Hi Tom,

I saw you've not been on line for a while and just wanted to check you're doing ok. I think you might've been starting treatment for your tumour sometime soon? Ire so, hope it's going ok.

All the best,
Tom

 

*Hi Tom,
Really sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch at the moment. Like you i feel like I've wasted away years of my life in the last decade+ when i could've/should've been experimenting with myself and relationships and finding my way in the world, but instead spent it building up a stupid defence between myself and the world. And am now really struggling to undo this defence while simultaneously trying to cope with a stressful job day-to-day. While i know that doesn't make it easier, i just want you to know you are definitely not alone in feeling this way. I, and i imagine plenty of others on here, have firsthand experience of this mixture of pain/regret/frustration/anger/despair/etc.*

Your text to your friend isn't awful at all. In fact, i think it's good that in it touch were honest and frank about your feelings. You should see it as an early step in changing how you relate to the world - whereas in the past you may have made excuses or just put on a front, now you're beginning to be up front about your feelings - in the long term i hope it will mean you feel you're more authentic and open in how you come across to people. That's all very well for me to say, as someone who only last week made up a pathetic, false excuse when i couldn't face meeting up with someone because of the corrosive thoughts spinning around in my head. But i am trying to stop mediating how i come across to people so much, and i hope people respect that. I've realised that the way I've*learned to hide my true self from others, and try to always be who i think they want me to be, just isn't working. And so the only alternative to try and be more frank, as you were in your text. It's going to be a long slow process, for you and me both, to try and change our habits of a lifetime, but i hope we'll get there in the end.

I'm also a serial avoider of social situations, as you know,* and like you i still regularly beat myself up after avoiding things, or when things don't go as i wanted. However i think we both need to be more patient and compassionate and forgiving of ourselves. We've had to endure the pain and trauma that is growing up gay in a predominantly heterosexual world, and all the residual feelings of shame and inadequacy that brings. So it's no wonder we still struggle to be as sociable and confident as we think others expect us to be.

I have struggled all my life to deal with crying, which tends to hit me when i'm alone and feeling at my weakest. I guess you might do similar, whereby i let things build up and up in me, and try to keep going and to distract myself, only to have the negative feelings overwhelm me without me being able to control them. But something i've been really trying to start doing recently is acknowledging to myself more often how i'm feeling, and to let myself face my bad emotions as they come up.* Which means i'm actually crying more at the moment, but i hope it also means i'm not letting things build up inside me like a pressure cooker and so less likely to hit me like a tonne of bricks when i least expect it.

Have you ever thought of trying mindfulness? It's something that i've been trying to do for a while. I really struggled at first, but the more regularly i try it the more i think (i hope) i'm seeing some benefits. I've found it's helpful to follow guided mindfulness audio tracks - there's some good ones on Guilford Press's website - Guided Meditation Practices . The 3 minute ones are quite a good way of just making yourself pause and take stock of things during the day. And i've also been doing the 40 mins body scan, and the working with difficulty ones. I know mindfulness isn't right for everyone, just like CBT really didn't work for me. But it might be worth giving it a go?

Sorry, i only intended to write you a quick message of support, and it's ended up being a great big rambling incoherent essay. But hey ho i'm gonna try practising what i just preached, and post my reply without working what it will make people think of me i'd like to finish with an 'it gets better', but i'm afraid i'm at a similar stage to you. So instead i want you to know you're not alone.
Sending a massive hug,*
Tom