Hi all, I'm hoping you can give me some advise. I'm a 31 year old guy from Ireland who is about to start coming out to my family and friends. It has taken me a very long time to get to this point where I can finally accept who I am. I am obviously quite nervous about the whole thing however there's one particular person I'm wondering whether I should tell the face to face or not. It is my ex girlfriend who I dated from about when I was 18 to 21. I really did love her however I was struggling with my sexuality and wasn't in the right head space to be in a relationship. She noticed how unhappy I was and she eventually broke it off. However we did remain friends for many years. Eventually we gradually grew apart. We both still live in the same area and would still have a lot of friends in common. I feel really bad about the way I treated her. She was essentially my cover for 3 years to prove I wasn't gay and for many years after I would refer to her when anyone asked if I had a girlfriend, I'd just say I was still getting over her. I didn't intend this however I was completely messed up. I know that's no excuse. I suppose I'm just wondering whether you think I should meet her or send her a letter firstly to apologise about the way I behaved and treated her and secondly to let her know I'm gay. She is going to find out eventfully due to the fact we have so many friends in common. Even though we haven't spoken in a few years and it's been about 10 years since we were together I still she feel I should tell her. What do you think? I'd really appreciate any advise you can give.
I can relate: I've been with my girlfriend for 5 years and since we broke up, we haven't talk. I feel a lot of anger towards her, even knowing it's all my fault; that I used her as a cover for all these years. I do not plan coming out to her. In your case, I don't think it's necessary to send her a message. You haven't spoken with her for many years... However, if you feel writing a letter is the good thing to do, do it, otherwise you won't be in peace with yourself.
I think it would be best if you wrote her and explained yourself. Now that I've come out to basically everyone in my life (either via in-person or letter) I have a really good idea of what to say and how to explain past behaviours. It sounds like we're quite similar in this regard. A few things you can mention: - It's incredibly hard coming out. It's emotionally taxing, draining and time consuming. - Being gay 10 years ago is different than being gay today. It's so much easier to come out and acceptance is at an all-time high. - Often times we don't understand what our attractions are. If I see a good looking guy with his shirt off, am I just acknowledging his physique or is there something deeper? Is it a real attraction? If we knew everything about ourselves, we wouldn't need therapists. - You treated her badly not because you're a bad person but because you were struggling with your sexuality. It can be a difficult thing to come out and accept you're gay. No one wants to be different. The vast majority of people just want to be part of the crowd. People may not view you in the same way, and may even cut you out of your life completely. - You're sorry you did this to her and for treating her the way that you did. It's important to stress that you're not gay because of her. Even when people are told this, many can still struggle with thinking "maybe I just wasn't good enough in bed" or whatever. It's bullshit and a line of incorrect thinking. Best of luck with this! You're about to embark on a difficult process - should you decide to go through with coming out - and it's made even more difficult by staying in the closet for so long, but you'll be all the more stronger for it and you can slowly begin to feel like you again. You'll be amazed at the number of people who accept you for you and several of your relationships will probably get a lot stronger as a result.
Thanks guys for the responses. Cheers guitar for all your points. I think I'll right her a letter. I'll be guaranteed to leave something out otherwise and that way she doesn't have to see me if she doesn't want to.
