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Made things uncomfortable.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by lucaie, Aug 24, 2015.

  1. lucaie

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I'm in my late twenties, have been out and proud since my teenage years but only 6 months ago came out to my folks and mother when I told her I was moving states to be with my partner. She didn't handle it well at first and said some very hateful, homophobic things to me that I don't think I'll ever forget. To her credit things have improved since I moved. We talk, but she's awkward, I can tell she's just trying but it's uncomfortable, she doesn't want to talk about that part of my life too much so I feel as though she's keeping it all a secret, she tells the rest of my family that my girlfriend is my friend. I almost feel as though I need to come out again. I have no desire to hide who I am, I'm totally confident and comfortable. I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on how to rebuild, maintain that relationship with her and whether anyone has had similar experiences. I'm trying to be understanding but I'm mad with her for how she's behaving. :help:
     
    #1 lucaie, Aug 24, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2015
  2. TeamTeal

    Regular Member

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    I went through similar times with my mum when I introduced my now wife to her 5 years ago. And even though she has also improved a lot and we have a very good relationship, even after 5 years, she still keeps it a secret from most of her friends. She often tries to convince me not to come out to certain people (like my paternal family) and to be generally discreet about it.

    While trying to analyze why she was so worried about what others think (after all, it's MY life), I found out that she was more worried about what people would think of her as a mother, because for some reason, she partly blames herself for me being "that way". She believes that she was too much of this, not enough of that and that it basically led to me being "afraid" of men and going after girls instead. She's afraid that people will judge HER for MY sexual orientation. And no matter how many times I tell her that this is her own perception and that most people have better things to do than analyze why her daughter is a lesbian, she doesn't really come around. This could be the same reason why your mother refuses to out you.

    This used to make me mad too but with time, I've come to think that parents also deserve a break (I'm not talking about evil homophobic parents who throw their kids out of the house though). But if gays should be able to come out when they feel comfortable, parents should also be able to out their children when they feel comfortable to do so.

    If your mum doesn't talk about it, then you have to bring it up. Tell her that what she decides to tell people is her business but that you're proud and comfortable with who you are and that you don't intend to keep it a secret forever. But if you ask for my personal opinion, I think six months is not a lot and maybe you should give her a little more time. If you want to rebuild the relationship with her, you also need to acknowledge that it's not abnormal for parents to have a difficult time with it. There are so many things to adjust to, just like for many of us. You've been out and proud for many years but keep in mind that for her, it's only been six months.

    I hope this helps a little.
     
  3. Lyana

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    Hi, lucaie. :slight_smile:

    It's hard when your family doesn't accept you completely, isn't it? My mother has been behaving in a very similar way (I came out to her about 6 months ago, too). She refuses to accept that I'm dating a girl, and refers to her as a "friend" or avoids talking about her altogether. She's in denial, and it's hurtful and annoying, but I've been keeping those feelings in because I know she only does it because she's hurt, too.

    I know this situation is hard on you, but it's hard on your mother, too. There's an excellent article on EC about the stages of grief which talks about how parents can react to your coming out. It might help you realize where your mother is coming from.

    When she uses the word "friend," you can try to correct her and say "partner" or "girlfriend" or whichever term you prefer. You don't have to be aggressive about it. Say it softly, with a smile. Being confrontational won't help, it will just make you both angry.

    If her first reaction was outright homophobia, it's not surprising it's taking her a while to come around. The main factor here is going to be time -- time and patience. She's trying. I think she loves you, and you're both trying hard with this relationship. Ultimately, that's what will do it. It may take some time, but you'll get there. You're on the right path, even if right now it's frustrating.