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Coming out as FTM trans when i'm the only "girl"

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Mateo, Aug 25, 2015.

  1. Mateo

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    Hi everyone I'm Mateo and I'm new to EC. over the last few years I'v come to except the fact that I am female-to-male transgender. I haven't come out to anyone that i'm trans yet and while i'm confidant the reception from most of the people I care about will be positive, my parents remain another matter.

    Out of four children (three from my dad) I am the only "female" which is something both of my parents have cherished, especially my mom. I'v grown up hearing stuff like "your my only daughter" "your my baby girl" etc. Its stuff that, I reluctantly do find endearing but also makes me terrified to come out as i'm afraid to hurt them.

    I know my mom especially would be upset because she seems to cling to the fact that i'm "female" tightly. I have a guilty secret that when my mom was pregnant with my baby brother I hoped he would be a girl so that It would take the only girl presser off of me.

    My other fear is that if they do except me I will no longer be as important to them. Growing up I think being the only "girl" saved me from falling into the "middle child" syndrome.

    Ultimately I'm terrified of being forgotten or letting the people I love down by being who I am"

    I could really use some advise as I have know where else to turn.
     
  2. sharkweek

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    As sickening and stressful as it may be, there isn't really an easy way to come out. You're a bit older than me, so I don't know if you live with your parents, which may change the situation a bit - space is really needed throughout this.

    Your mother is going to be hurt, heartbroken even- but within time she will probably learn to accept that you're still her child and all that love she felt for you before is still there. It just takes a long time to happen, unfortunately.

    I think the worst part of coming out to parents, is trying to remember that this is really hard for them when they make it harder for you.

    I wish you so much luck in this. It's really hard, please come out to friends first, find support! I'm sure many people on here are willing to give you that. I am.
     
  3. Mateo

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    Space is definitely what I need but don't have as I live with my mom in order to help her out with my 6 year old brother because she is a single mother and in a financial hardship.

    I had every intention of moving out of my dads and into my own place back when I graduated high school but that didn't work out.

    I wish I had friends I could talk to but between working and looking after my brother and my clingy family. I'm hoping I can make some friends here, people that I can actually identify with.
     
  4. Kellian

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    I know that feeling and I'm in the same boat as you, I would say come out to one of your best friends, they love you no matter what. ^-^
     
  5. Kodo

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    I know exactly how you feel.

    For the longest time I was the only "female," until eight years ago when my (only) little sister was born. Now I'm regarded as simply the "oldest female" and the pressure is definitely still there to be an example to her. In my family I have SIX brothers, all from the same parents. My parents certainly wouldn't "need" me to be a boy too.

    It is hard for me, having all my life been called "a rose among thorns" or one of the "only two girls." My little sister looks up to me, and I don't want to be a disappointment to her either.

    I have often felt like I'm robbing my parents of their eldest daughter, and my brothers of their big/little sister. But I cannot, and you cannot, afford to think that way. We are the way we are for a reason. And the fact that we are transgender is a beautiful thing, I truly believe that it is. Now, our family gets to have a transgender son/brother - not many people get that! Whether we view it as a blessing or a curse doesn't matter, but we have a responsibility to be strong - for ourselves - and for our families.

    If you ever need someone to talk to, I (and many more amazing people here at EC) are here for you.
     
  6. Mateo

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    Thanks Ender its a relief to know i'm not alone in my struggle. Gratefully I know my brothers will be supportive when i'm ready to tell them. My younger brother who i'm closest to has once said, to him iv always been both a brother and a sister to him.