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Should I tell her now or later?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by BiKate, Aug 27, 2015.

  1. BiKate

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Queensland, Australia
    So I'm only out as bisexual to 3 close friends and I'd like to tell my parents soon. I'm pretty sure I might have a preference for women though, so I feel like I should tell more people now, so it's not a big surprise if I happen to meet the girl of my dreams.

    Last week somebody I work with left their job to work somewhere else. We've worked together for 2+ years, but at the start of this year we started to joke around with each other and actually talk. I thought she was cool, until she made what I thought to be a homophobic comment that I overheard.
    She was telling this other guy at work that she hated the song that was playing (Take me to church - Hozier). The guy agreed and then told her all disgusted that it was about two 'fags'. (I thought I was straight at the time, I would have actually said something if I hadn't been so shocked). And then she said "Really, that makes it even worse!"
    So for a while there I tried not to like her. I even avoided talking to her for a few weeks, I just didn't want homophobic people in my life.
    Cut to now. I've realised I'm bi, and I also couldn't help talking to her more. We're actually becoming real friends outside of work now, and I think she's a great person, except for the homophobic problem.

    I'm not sure how homophobic she is. A few weeks ago this weird guy asked me out on facebook, and I was telling her but didn't say he/she, and she asked me if "She" was being serious and just assumed it had been a girl that asked me out. And then I said "What? I'm not a lesbian!" and she was just like "Oh, sorry! haha". Do I regret that? Yes. I could have easily just said "Oh, it was a guy!" and let her wonder, but I got scared (but hey, I'm still not a lesbian :icon_redf ). Before that, she had been completely fine with me and happily talking to me every day, even if she thought I might be a lesbian.

    Anyway, I'm not sure how homophobic she is, but she obviously is at least a little homophobic. I feel like we could be good friends, and I don't actually experience that much because I'm usually too awkward and shy to make friends. But any real friend needs to know I'm bi. I'm just not sure when to tell her. We're planning to hangout and have a few drinks together with another work friend next week, and since the subject of guys and dating will come up for sure, I was thinking I could maybe casually let both of them know then. I know she would be polite about it to my face even if it freaked her out, and I know my other work friend wouldn't care at all (and might already know). And then I guess I'd just see if she still wants to talk and hang out after that night or not :grin: Or I could wait until we're a bit closer maybe?

    What do you guys think is better? Telling a possible homophobic person I'm bi now, before I get too attached to the friendship, or waiting until she's known me longer? I'm so bad at this coming out stuff haha.

    How many of you guys have come out to homophobic friends?
    Should I try to find out what she actually thinks about lgbt people first? Maybe she just made that homophobic comment because she was just going along with the other guy?

    (I should mention - she's not the type to go and tell anyone, but I don't really care if she does. I still need to tell my parents, but other than that, go for it, it'll save me coming out myself :') I know my bosses are accepting and have gay friends so being outed at work isn't a big deal)
     
  2. Awesome

    Full Member

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    Location:
    In college in Massachusetts, from Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think that you should tell her sooner rather than later. The more you get to know her, the more it will hurt you if she doesn't accept you. If she accepts you, then you can start a friendship without keeping a secret from her.