Hello Everyone, My name is Jay, I'm a NEWBIE here!! In a way i have to say i am extremely grateful for this website. You see, I've known that i had special feelings for girls since i was in elementary.... i am now 21 years old and have not told a soul about who i really am and how i feel... the first time i attempted to tell someone i was 10.... little did i know that that conversation would stop me from living a life for myself... I chose to come out to my sister and our cousin. Their initial reaction was to laugh and say that i was too young to know and that i must be confused. I stuck to that story and never brought it up ever again. However, deep inside i knew that i wanted to have a life with one of my own... a female. So for the past 11 years I've tried to hide it, block it away, and convince myself that i am not a lesbian.... I guess all the denial and the need to feel normal led me to live the most synthetic life... I've looked in all the wrong places for someone to love and understand me. All that gave me was a huge list of broken relationships and much more confusion. Now i'm in wayy to deep, i'm engaged to an amazing human being who loves me, unfortunately in my heart i know i cant love him the way he deserves... which brings me to the ending of my short story... i'm terrified of the judgement, the "what will they think", the disappointment and most of all the fear that they wont believe me or take me serious because I've been hiding it and hiding it and covering my true identity for so long that i fear everyone will think its a phase, stunt, or lie but its not... I've been struggling with this my whole life i have severe depression, anxiety and insomnia and its taking its toll on my state of mind... am i a horrible person? is this a normal feeling? will it go away? im completely lost.
Hello! :smilewave First of all you are not a horrible person. You are like many of the people here who are having difficulties coming out. (&&&) Coming out, especially to your family or friends you've known for awhile can be hard. They already think that you are straight and that it's been set in stone. It's not. You should tell them exactly what you wrote here. That you have been struggling with this for a very long time and it's taking a toll on your well being. They most likely will understand, at least they will eventually. It's possible they will initially be very confused, sad, or angry with your decision. They might call you a fake, but if you just wait and hold your ground they will eventually see that it's not "a phase". When I first came out to my friends only about 3 of them believed me, but they all came around and now fully support me. And I'm sure the same will happen with you. :eusa_danc Also I must tell you that this is a normal feeling to be confused. You know that you are not straight when this feeling lasts for a prolonged period of time. Such as you for 11 years! You've felt that way long enough to know that you are indeed a lesbian. Now with the whole engagement situation. It's best to stop it now before you do something you regret. If you stop it now and come out, you can be happy and feel free with yourself. People will eventually accept you and you can meet girls that you love. Or you can get married, have an unhappy marriage, get a divorce/suffer in silence if you stay, then have to go through a horrible process of depression and confusion. Let him go now, it'll be easier to do it before rather then after you're married. :tears: Embrace your homosexuality with open arms and people will embrace you too. Best of Luck Jay! (*hug*) P.S. Getting married at 21?!?! You have your entire life left girl. Don't get tied down now!
Welcome to EC! I hope you find everything you need! :icon_bigg Yes! I totally agree with that advice! But in all seriousness, if you're engaged with a guy and you're queer, you need him to know that. Not only does he deserve that, but you do too. I think it'll feel very freeing, finally being able to be open. (But then again, I'm only 13. My advice probable isn't as useful as the adults' on here.) If you need to come out to your family, and you don't know how they'd react, try to 'Dip your toe in the water', so to speak. Ask some questions regarding the subject and let their reactions guide you. That's what I did with friends and family, and after they had nothing to say but positivity, I came out! I really hope I helped you out, and that all goes well! (&&&)
Hey Jay, welcome to EC! I've just started to come out to my closest friends because, like you said, I'm sick of living a lie as well. I understand what you feel, and I'll tell you that, sometimes, I feel selfish for wanting to come out, because of what I'll make people go through. But at the end of the day, we have one life and we deserve to live it happily, without hiding who we really are. For once, we have to put our own happiness in the first place, because it's our life that we're talking about.
Welcome to EC! I'm young and not that experienced with relationships, but you really ought to tell you fiancé. If you don't, you'll always go on being unhappy. It's also not fair to him because he would want you to be happy with the relationship. It's not your fault that you're not obviously but he wouldn't want you to go on pretending and truly feeling happy about it. But you need to tell him. Just keep telling yourself that because it's true. You know that saying, "This too shall pass"? Well it's like that. No doubt it will be hard to tell him, but that's what you need to do. You know that you're a lesbian, which is great and very brave of you to admit to yourself. Now the next step is telling him so that you can be set free. If you do than just think, 5 years from now you could look back on this and think "wow, I'm so glad I broke things off with him, and now I can be who I truly am" instead of 5 years from now looking back and saying "I wish I broke it off with him before we got married". It'll be hard, but once it's over it will eventually become a thing of the past and you can go on living your life as your true self. You should be honest with him. He cares about you so I'm sure he'll understand. He'll be upset, but you know what? He'll eventually get over it too in time. Better for him and for you to tell him now. Just tell him that you've been struggling with this for a long time and that even though you can't love him, you care about him a lot and that's why you didn't want to tell him, but you know that it's the right thing to do for both of you. If you're worried to do it in person, you could write him a letter so you can organize your thoughts better and make sure you express to him all the things you want to. Do you have any close friends you could tell? I know you had a bad experience the first time, but people can be a lot more accepting than you think. Also, being so scared to come out and then suddenly coming out to your fiancé would be a lot. Talking to people can help so much. Just make a promise to yourself that you're not going to let your engagement stopping you from living the life you want to live, because it's your life and yeah telling him will be hard, but wounds heal. I wish you all the best of luck.
I'm really sorry you are going through so much turmoil with this. Living a lie is incredibly hard; checking yourself constantly to maintain a false impression for the benefit of everyone else can become emotionally exhausting. There is no wonder you feel so depressed and anxious and it surely hasn't gone unnoticed amongst your family and friends. I know you think you are in way to deep, but trust me when I say that it's not an unrecoverable situation. We have members who have married and had children before eventually coming out, so you can certainly avoid further pain and heartache. The idea of coming out is daunting and you can feel very scared about it, but it's often better than remaining in the closet with all of the depression and anxiety. Just look at what it's doing to your state of mind and quality of life to keep up this facade. Coming out will release most of that. How will people react? There is no way of knowing for sure and that's why coming out feels so scary - it's liking walking into the unknown, but people can really surprise us. Before I came out I tried to second guess how my parents would react and I nearly sent myself crazy with worry, but they both accepted me. In the end, most parents and siblings do, because no reasonable person wants to be at war with their own children/siblings. Sometimes it takes a period of time to come to terms with it, but that's to be expected. The man you are engaged to may also feel wounded, but it's far better to be honest with him now that decieve him with a lie. The longer it goes on the worse it will seem. Have you thought about sitting down and writing a coming out letter to everyone? It may seem impersonal, but if you put your mind to it, you can say how you really feel and address a number of points without interruption in the heat of the moment. You are well past the stage where this could ever be considered a phase. In actual fact, it never has been a phase for you (as you knew at 10 years old). Nobody in their right mind would come out as a stunt and the suggestion that it should be a lie is equally silly. Why would anyone lie about something as personal as their sexuality? It doesn't make sense. If you write a letter, you can address these issues and answer them fully and you can explain how much it's been hurting you to maintain the lie. If you click on the coming out resources at the very top of this page you will find some sample letters, if you need some inspiration. You will also find more information on coming out. We are here to help if you want help or support, so please ask. (*hug*)
