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When and how ?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Ombia, Aug 28, 2015.

  1. Ombia

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    Location:
    Somewhere in Nottingham
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I've only ever had one person (and that's my sibling) who I've come out to. There's no way I'd come out to my parents, particularly my mother as its been made crystal clear what she thinks about people who are...well, like me. Of course, I don't see how my relationship with her would get any worse than it is but I know that I'll be public enemy no.1 for a long time, and she probably will never be able to forgive me, let alone accept me. My Dad might be able to find it easier to accept but I do feel that if I told him first, he would tell my mother and I'll be at square point with her. Of course, I could just tell her and then see how it goes but even though she's well...a witch and has been towards me for a very long time, there's a small part of me that still wants her to accept me, and love me for more than just half a day at a time. Of course, that might all have to change if I brought that special girl home to meet the parents but even that I'd be worried for the future GF's feelings since my mother is...well...awful.

    I do feel that I should tell people. Friends, close friends but I don't really know how to go about it. My conversations outsing was one of those that were brought up in conversation and my sibling is very supportive, understanding, accepting and knows me. Its not that I'm discomfited with the idea of telling people (I've signed myself up to actually join one the LGBT society at uni this year so I can receive support and meet other people), its just I don't want to be rejected. I know that I'll be rejected by my mother (and maybe my dad) and I'll have to start trying to accept that sooner than later if there's even a possibility of getting the courage to come out to them. But being rejected by my friends, I think would be a lot worse. I'm not exactly the social butterfly, even though I try to pretend to be. I value my friends, every single one of them, and I don't want to lose them or be hurt by them if it turns out that they are secretly homophobic. I do have friends who are LGBT, so maybe I could start there. But I'm not great at broaching the subjects of importance. I don't really know how to say it -- if that makes sense? When would be a good time to say it? In person or via an email? How would I go about it?
     
  2. Lyana

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    Hey Ombia,

    Your fears are completely understandable. Most people are apprehensive when coming out to a new person. If it helps, don't look at the big picture right now. Don't think about all the people you want to come out to. Start small. You've already told your sibling, and that was your first step. Now look at your friends and figure out who's your second step. It might be your closest friend, whom you absolutely trust. Or it might be a friend who's LGBT, because you feel they're most likely to be accepting. Deliberately pick someone you're fairly confident will not reject you out of homophobia.

    How doesn't really matter. In person or e-mail? Do it whichever way feels most right to you. I've told a couple people over text or e-mail, and I find I prefer face-to-face. It makes it easier to brush it off as not being a big deal, and return to the conversation you'd been having before. It's also easier to gauge their reaction and answer their questions in person.
    If you're coming out to an LGBT person, you can ask them, "When/how did you come out?" and from there, tell them you're thinking of coming out.

    Tell this friend you've chosen that you're nervous about coming out to other people. They may offer emotional support or advice. It's nice to have someone who knows what you're facing.

    When you've told that person, you'll be out to two people. And you can start over with a third person. It gets easier with every step. If you're thinking of telling a person who might be secretly homophobic -- well, they're your friends. It shouldn't be extremely difficult to test the waters and see how they feel about LGBT topics in general. If something related comes up in the news, you can bring it up and see how they feel, that kind of thing. It should give you some idea.
    In a few months, you could even just, if someone asks you "How have you been?", say that you've been having fun at the LGBT group meetings at uni. They will likely either assume or ask.

    Finally, if some of your friends do reject you, of course it will hurt. But it's like ripping off a band-aid. It has to come off at some point, and once it's done, it's done, and you'll knwo where you stand with your friends. I know you value these people, but if they reject you for your sexuality, they are not the friends you need in your life.
     
  3. Linus

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    Well I would start out by showing your support for the Qcommunity. That's what I did, originally. Once my family and friends saw it was something I was passionate about, and they got used to that, it made it easier to accept me when I did end up coming out.
     
  4. Ombia

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    @Lyana: Thank you for replying. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post. I do feel that it would be best to confide with friends who are already LGBT. You've given me a lot to process, so hopefully I can put it into practice soon. I do feel that it would probably be better to come out face to face with a person. =)

    That is what I'm afraid of. I think that's what is preventing me the most to actually come out. Of course, its going to hurt but you're right -- they aren't really needed if they reject. I'll have to find ways in how to deal with it, if and when it comes to the crunch.=)

    @Linus: Of course, I'm not exactly the most prolific campaigner for most things as I've always been highly aware that if my opinion is different from someone else's I may get into a debate and SOME people become really nasty when their opinion is challenged -- or at least it is when it comes to any touching of the topic with my family (in particular my mother) as whenever the topic is mentioned it is highly distressing the amount of hatred that is uttered no matter what I or my sibling say =(. I think I've made a good step with joining the university's community, and perhaps it'll be easier to gain confidence and strength from that to make it easier to be accepted. =)
     
  5. Sunrays

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    I've always found it best to tell people face-to-face as it's always a bit awkward if you send them a letter/email and you're not sure when/if they've read it. You might still end up bringing it up anyway. Having said that, whatever you are comfortable with is obviously best for you. If you feel you can't say what you would be able to write down, that might be a good reason for doing it that way.

    Most of the time I've told people opportunistically, when it felt right. A few I just said "I've got something I need to talk to you about that I don't usually tell people..." and took it from there.

    I wouldn't worry about your friends being homophobic. With people your own age it's unlikely and usually you would know about it already if you know them well.