Hey, buddies. Just posting to vent, and maybe seeking a little bit of advice. Today, I had my first day of college. It went okay, although I was a little bit disappointed, but that's just due to me having high expectations. I made a last-minute decision to change colleges, and am still warming to the idea of spending the next few years there. Anyway, the point I'm getting to is that, when sat in the classroom listening to some of my new professors, I was struck by a very mild sensation of panic. Mentally, I'm quite a strong person, but the emotional distress of hiding in the closet is weighing me down. I've never had a panic attack, but, the more I think about it, the clearer it is to me that it was a direct indicator of my Gay Anxiety, as I like to term it. (Whoever feels offended by this term fails to comprehend my wicked sense of humour, and is kindly forgiven.) See, I've only come out to four people, all of whom happen to live in a different country. These are my former therapist, two friends, and one failed (male) love interest. They are all people that I met while living abroad last year, and, probably owing to the fact that I knew I would not be seeing them again anytime soon, I somehow mustered the courage to come out to them. But now, when back on home soil, I feel different. It is much harder for me to even think of coming out to somebody. Because I feel like I have a reputation to protect. And I find it much harder to confide in people who are like me. There is a certain respect and an acknowledgement of human variance (such as homosexuality) that exists between people of different nationalities and backgrounds. There is leeway. But here, I am inexcusable; I am inexcusably homosexual. Sadly, my college is very small, co-ed, and it has no active LGBTQIA+ society. Should have gone to the women's college! But, frankly, I was too nervous to make that leap. And it might have caused suspicion, which I can't deal with, being so internally homophobic about the whole Being Gay thing. I sound like I've been raised in a very conservative family, don't I? Ironically enough, I come from a very liberal family (and I am thankful for most of the social views they instilled in me), but the only thing they condemned was homosexuality. So it's been forced into my head since I was a kid that being gay is disgusting, horrible, etc. My mother especially is a homophobe. She works at the church. Once, there was a lesbian wedding, and she told me how she didn't consider it a real marriage. How she couldn't understand it. How it was "just ew" and "disgusting". I could go on forever listing the derogatory comments my mother has made about homosexuals, particularly lesbians, probably because she is a woman. But, my grandmother is twice as bad. Both of them I'm very close to, and neither have the slightest idea. They might have their suspicions and vague notions, as I am never seen with men, but I bet they repress that notion just as hard as I tried to. Until it exploded all over me, that is, leaving me shaken and shattered for a long time. And I'm still working my way through that process. Anyway, after today, I just feel strange. Although I am a very keen learner, I am not excited at all for the academic year ahead. I am severely nervous and cynical about it all. Unfortunately, for me. But, to answer your question: how exactly does being (oh-so-very) gay affect my college experience? Shouldn't I be able to have fun, like others? Isn't college exactly the right place to experiment with other young peeps? Well, I know that a lot of gay people manage to lead fairly anxiety-free lives while attending college. And I really aspire to do that. But, that only applies if you've confidently come out. Which I have not. And I might as well never! The source of my anxiety, as shown in my panic attack, comes from the fact that I know that I'll never be able to live fully, freely, and openly as a lesbian. Not in the next couple of years, anyway. Not before I've met a woman so all-encompassing that I'm willing to sacrifice every last bit of myself for her. I really want to meet somebody; I need somebody to save me. College should be the ideal place to meet somebody, but since I'm in the closet, there's a very small chance of anything happening. It's the first day, and I'm already setting myself up for disaster. Grand... This is quite the pickle. However, maybe I should just come out? I really want to, but then I don't. Does my predictably lonely college life warrant that sort of action? What's the harm if I try to be happy and unafraid, for once in my life? What can I do? I want to meet somebody so badly. Whoa, just writing this and reading it over provides some relief. I love this forum If anybody reads this, feel free to share your experiences or advice.
I'm still in high school so I may not be the best source of advice. But anyway I think you could start by being more optimistic. Who says you can't live fully, freely, and openly as a lesbian? It's not something that's easy, but it's up to you to make it happen and only you can decide when it will happen. Don't wait for someone else to come along and set you free because you have the power to set yourself free. To be raised the way you were, it takes a lot of bravery to even admit to yourself that you're gay so that's amazing! Seriously you should appreciate yourself for that because some people are never courageous enough to take that first step and they live a lie forever. I think you would do well if you change your mindset. Don't make meeting someone your goal, make it your goal to be you and love who you are on your own. How are you going to find someone when you're still in the closet. Also, a relationship would probably be a better idea for you once you work on becoming more comfortable with yourself first. I know that's not an easy thing, especially being raised like that but you can do it! Just keep coming on this website (it can be very helpful to see so many other people like you and know that you're not alone). And don't put pressure on yourself on the first day! You have years ahead of you. It doesn't have to all happen at once, and it's unfair to expect that of yourself. Start by making goals. You haven't come out to anyone where you live yet, so that can be your first goal perhaps. Maybe, by the end of this year or this semester you could come out to someone if you feel ready? But for now just take it little by little and remember it's crazy to put so much pressure on yourself. I mean, to be raised with those views and having to hide from your own family and then to suddenly be out and about as soon as you get to college? That's a lot to ask of yourself. Give yourself time and don't make a girl your goal. Make your happiness your goal. Just work on it little by little and don't put pressure on yourself. Just focus on you and give it time and maybe someone will come along the way I wish you the best of luck!!(*hug*) ---------- Post added 28th Aug 2015 at 09:32 PM ---------- I don't know if this will help or not but it might make you feel better about it. This girl on youtube who's a lesbian made this video and talked about how coming out was in college for her a bit and how it was hard for her, especially since she had only started to come out to people right before college. (she starts talking about college 6 minutes in if you wanna skip to it) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJBydgrKEsU
bubbles123, thank you so much! Really appreciate the effort. You've made me feel a bit better. I'm going to watch the video now.
I think bubbles have been full of great advices and I totally agree with the setting yourself some small goals to accomplish by the end of the year or so, like coming out to one person you feel comfortable with. It won't be easy, but it's doable. I am practically on the same boat as you in the sense that I travel abroad a lot and it's actually there that I have came to realisation and acceptance of my bisexuality. I managed to come out to a lot of people there but I came back very recently and it's slightly more complicated now. I did come out to one of my friend whom I knew would react well but haven't manage to come out to any of my relatives or other close friends from back home yet. It's like I want to, but words don't come out and I just fear their reaction when I probably shouldn't cause I know my friends are liberals and LGBT supportive but yeah... the feelings are different. In your situation with very obvious homophobic parents I can only imagine the anxiety that must surround you about coming out. I do believe though that college are the perfect years to experiment and find people and build your personality and strenght. People our age ( I am going to assume you are over 18/ in your early 20's) tend to be much more open-minded and LGBTQ+ aware and educated, they often won't flinch and eyelid if you come out to them, but that doesn't make it less scary or difficult. You are new to this place thought which I believe is perfect as it's the occasion to become a 'new version' of you, more confident and less scared. Is talking about your sexuality in a casual way a possibility ? like instead of doing a massive coming out where you sit down your friends and tell them you are a lesbian, mentioning it to them in a conversation as the most normal thing possible. Like if someone ask you if you have a crush on someone mention a woman you find cute or if they ask you about a guy you like, jokingly reply something like '' Considering I don't swing that way, not really, nope." with a smile. Is that possible for you ? Cause I believe that the less of a deal you make of it the less of a deal people make of it. Considering those people are for most strangers it's also easier to come out to them straight away so that they just grow to love you and accept you for who you are from the start than to have to fake to be straight to then have to come out to them in x years time. And who knows, maybe some of them are queer too or know of cute chicks that are and are singles. You may want to consider that. Personally it's what I would do but I am pretty confident about my sexuality now and don't mind too much what strangers would think but I understand you may be completely different. Good luck anyway and keep us updated !
Linning, many thanks. Your advice is pretty great and I will try to do my best to just casually bring it up, like you said. All the best to you, I hope you have a blessed day
Thank you, Actually since I posted a couple days ago, I came out to more of my close friends here and they all have been very accepting and it just feel so right and make me love them and appreciate them as friends even more. How is your situation going, a bit better ? Cheers x
