Hey everyone, first time posting so a little background on me. I am a 21 year old male from PA who is gay and has been closeted as long as I can remember. I'm at the point in my life where I just can't take it anymore, the loneliness has made my anxiety disorder worse than ever, and I've recently learned I also have depression. I am trying my hardest to overcome the anxiety of coming out and just do it already, but I just can't take the leap. I really thought today was going to be the day. Everything was going great for me, I was on fire for the first time in a while. I worked up the courage to join my university's LGBT club at our club fair today, but told them I was a straight ally. Alright, I know this was a step backward, but most people on campus know that I am very liberal, so that lie was quite believable. Anyway, my classes actually went well for a change today, and I played one of my best hockey games ever tonight. So I was driving one of my close (female) friends home from our game (she plays hockey also) and I was feeling so good for once I thought I'd go ahead and finally take the leap and come out to her. I know for a fact she is a major supported of the LGBT community and also very liberal, because she talks about it constantly, so I thought she would be a good start. I worked the conversation right to where I wanted it, where she commended me on joining the club as a "straight ally" because she thinks its a great cause. But right when I got to that point, I just couldn't do it. Believe me, I really wanted to tell her I had been lying, but I just couldn't open my mouth. Finally after the awkward silence, I just changed the subject. I'm so angry with myself right now, I really thought after having a really good day the courage would be there, and then I just lost it. I hate to be pessimistic, but I doubt I'll have another day like today for a while, so now the whole thing is just going to get harder. I wish I could have just said the words. I don't know what to do now. Now I have myself thinking I'll never be able to work up the courage. How did you guys take push yourselves to just say it?
Do you feel as through you need to come out to every person in a face to face conversation, or would you consider sending people a letter or e-mail? It may sound impersonal, but if you put your mind to it, you can actually make it very personal indeed. We have some examples of coming out letters on this forum, if you are interested. Coming out to other LGBT people, or LGBT allies sounds easy, doesn't it, but it's often just as nerve-wracking. Just consider the fact that you have told every person reading this forum though (in writing) and I think it's fair to say that we are all LGBT, or allies ourselves. We may be complete strangers, but you have made a good and coherent posting, so a similar letter or e-mail to your friends and allies could work just as well. When you have concealed your sexuality for so long, it is hard to admit that you have been living a lie for years. The lie almost becomes part of you and that's what you are having to separate yourself from, so it's not easy, but it's reached this point... Your sexuality is part of who you are and it's with you for life. You can separate yourself from the lies and deceit with support and encouragement and we're here to help you with that, but you cannot separate yourself from your sexuality. Now is the time to confront the issue (in any way you can) so it doesn't totally overwhelm you. The pain of not acting now seems greater than the pain of acting. You can face this life 'monster' down, I promise you. I managed it, and if I can do it, so can you. How about going back to your friend again before the momentum subsides and tell her the truth, even if it's in a text message. I'm sure she will not mind. In fact, she may be expecting it after you came so close to saying it on the journey home. Her intuition may be telling her that something is wrong. Do it and come right back here and let us know how it goes. I think you will feel very relieved if you finally say the words. (*hug*)
I am in a very similar situation. Yesterday, I almost came out to my two closest friends, but I chickened out. I really want to come out, I think I'm ready, but I just can't let the words out. I know it's a big leap and there is not coming back after... I think I'm going to follow PatrickUK's advice and probably send them a message...
Hockeyplayer, Keep in mind these remarks are coming from a guy who didn't Come Out till he was 51. Most everyone is going to be very supportive to you. Your sexuality is only one aspect of your personality. Everyone that I've Come Out to or has found out has been wonderful. This is a great time for tolerance. On an other note, I believe you know I run an adult hockey league. Not everyone, but enough know I'm Gay, and guess what. We're just a bunch of people playing hockey. The locker room is the same, the beers after the game are the same, and the interaction with the players in the league is the same. In fact last week one of the guys that knows was going on and on about his groin injury, it's just not a big deal to others. You've got a long and great life ahead of you. Make it a happy one. An open Gay one playing plenty of hockey.
Hockeyplayer - Don't be so hard on yourself! You are already way ahead of the game! You're doing great. I was no where near ready to come out when I was 21. It's ok to take baby steps, or to fail at first. Just like playing hockey - not every shift goes as planned. But you'll have others. It'll happen soon, when you're ready. ---------- Post added 30th Aug 2015 at 01:08 AM ---------- And yes, I know being an athlete only makes it harder. I was in that culture, too. but there are lots of great LGBT athlete examples today, and i don't doubt you'll be one of them soon.
I was in a similar situation a few months ago. I'm two years older than you at 23, and had just told a friend for the first time this past May. It really wasn't easy and I had been really debating back and forth with myself for that whole conversation. But then i said to myself, "What is the worst that can happen here? Rejection? I doubt it." And I went with it. And when you finally do say it for the first time, it gives you the craziest feeling. It's a mixture between butterflies and anxiousness, but it also fills you with a deep sense of acceptance for yourself. It's the feeling that you're being truly honest with someone for the first time and it feels amazing. Really, don't be angry at yourself. It will happen with time. There will always be other good days and you will be in similar positions where you can simply lead into it with your friends and family.
