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Should my friend be the first one to know?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by eightisgreat, Aug 29, 2015.

  1. eightisgreat

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    I am more and more thinking of coming out for past few months and like anyone, I also wonder who, where and how I should come out to.

    So I have this friend that I've known for a year now. We meet at the start of college when he started dating my roommate. He became one of the best friends in no time. We always joke and talk to each other. He was always amazingly supportive whenever I seeked help. When I had problems with my family, when I've been going through stress. Any kind of problems.

    Should he be the one I would come out to first? I have other friends also. Even ones I've knew for whole life. It's just mostly I hang out with this friend because we are together more. With him having a gf whos my roomate and staying at us a lot.

    I have really been thinking of coming out to him before anyone. Even my family since they are really religious and I have no idea what they think about homosexuality. I just believe it would be a huge shock.

    So should I tell this friend first? If so, where is the best place? And how should I even initiate the discussion? Just thinking of it makes me nervous and scared what he will say, I really don't want to lose him.
     
  2. dcfan

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    yep. i think coming out a friend first is really normal. these are the people in life we choose. and we generally chose them for a reason.

    when i came out it was first to a woman who had been one of my closest and most trusted friends foe 15 years. In fact, I came out to a circle of friends before family.

    as far as how to initiate: there's a chance he already "knows." or maybe not. (my friend was surprised - which actually surprised me.) what i did was start by saying why you're having this conversation. I was a nervous wreck, but i think i said something like, "In order to live the life i've imagined for myself, and for people important to me to know me how i want them to know me, i want to tell you that i'm gay." Let him know that he's a reason why you want to come out - you value his friendship and you want him to really know you.

    I was lucky to receive overwhelming support from friends and i haven't looked back - wishing best to you.
     
  3. eightisgreat

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    I'm pretty sure no one knows and this will be a huge shock to them. :S Besides me not having any love life, or girl chrushes, I think nothing points out to being gay.

    I will definitely say something to show him I'm doing this for people who I care about too.

    Maybe I should write him where we could meet? Or how could I imply I'm gay before telling him. So he wouldn't be as surprised?
     
  4. EWMK

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    Anyone you know can be the first one to come out to, but why he why not your roommate? That is the question.
    It sounds like you have some feelings for him, he is your roommate's bf, your roommate definitely knows about you more than him, may be you still not realize that but just think about it and it will be clear
     
  5. 50ishandout

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    I know when I first Came Out it was to a couple that are dear friends. I knew they would be supportive. They were my confidence booster. After I told them I was Gay I felt so relieved. It was as if the tension I had been carrying for years was gone.

    I would figure out a time when you are together and tell him. Sounds like he will be your confidence booster.

    It's OK to be gay. You'll be surprised how many people will be supportive of you.

    Hope all goes well. Keep us updated.
     
  6. eightisgreat

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    I'm gonna be honest and say, yes, I did have feelings for him. But not anymore. I knew he was straight and he loves my roomate really much, so I knew it was a dead end to me. He was just funny and handsome yes. But even now when the feelings are gone I think I hang out with him the most, simply because we have a lot of same interests like games and working out. Aldo I have 4 other roomates and we are together a lot, I told my friend most of my life. When I was going through stress, had family problems. He really listened. :slight_smile:

    So I'm more in touch with him than any other roomate. Oh and there are 5 of us. 3 boys and 2 girls. Both girls have boyfriends. And THE OTHER boyfriend, not the one I want to come out; is really homophobic. So yeah.

    He was always upportive, but I still think of what message to write him. We won't see each other for probably 2 weeks since he is at home, but when college starts we will. I just want to write him if he could talk to me, and I somehow want to hint to me being gay. I know he's a great friend, but I don't want to really surprise him on the spot. xp

    So if anyone has tips on what to write him, I'd appreciate it. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    I will definitely keep you updated! :slight_smile:
     
  7. 50ishandout

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    Don't write. Talk to him Man to Man. Two weeks will go by quickly.
     
  8. eightisgreat

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    No no. I didn't mean as in "tell him over the text".
    I wrote him if we can meet up in two weeks.
    I said I have something to tell him that's very important to me. And he said yes! No problems. XP

    So I will update the post. Oh god I'm scared now. I can't stop thinking of how he'll respond.