I've just had the weirdest conversation around the dinner table

I think my family have just told me it's OK to be gay and that I don't have to come out if I don't want to.

if I didn't know any better I'd have thought my Dad had read my mind, because he suddenly said out of nowhere that he doesn't see why gay people should have to come out, he didn't have to pronounce when he deicided he liked sleeping with women that he was straight, so why should anyone with any other orientation.

We went on to discuss how a friend of ours and his boyfriend had to hide their relationship at the new years party at his place of work (He works for a war vets club, with the average age of 65+, and he from observations and listening to conversations doesn't believe they would be particulally accepting) and my brother said that he hates the fact that in this day and age that anyone should have to hide who they are. Mum then said it doesn't make the slightest bit of difference to her who likes sleeping with who, so long as no ones getting hurt and that the main person that gets hurt is the person who has to act straight because they beleive its the right thing to do.

Then a friend of my dads who'd turned up half way through dinner who a) I thought always had a bad attitude towards gays (it turns out its just a bad attitude between two brothers the fact that one is gay is irrelevent) b) I didn't thing he have a religious bone in his body, said If God made the human race in his own image he must have been stuggling with his own sexuallity and thats why there are gay people.

I come away from the table feeling like someone had just taken all the bricks out of my rucksack.

What do you think, Have I just indirectly come out to the folks?

 

Now I've had an hour or so to think about it, I think I can strike number 1 of my resolution list, 2009 is going well so far

 

Hi

Here's an update, I've done it, I wrote them a letter and left it for them to read after I left for work yesterday with a note on the envelope saying I didn't want or need any tears or special chats, just for everything to carry on as normal. They were great about it.

Does anyone want to read the letter, I don't mind sharing it, if it helps anyone else to formulate some ideas as to where to start with theirs

Rach

 

Here you go (it's a bit long, but says what I needed it to say);

Mum and Dad,

Do you remember the conversation we had around about New Year, about Kevin hiding his relationship with Mark from the people he works for and we all agreed that in this day and age nobody should have to or that they should have to ‘come out’ if they don’t want to. Well here’s the deal, I want to.

I’M GAY

There I said it, it’s only taken 18 years but you have no idea how hard those 5 little letters have been for me to say. Yes you read that sentence right I did say 18 years, I can remember feeling this way since I was 13 or 14 years old, hell I only took PE as a GCSE because it meant more time spent with the sporty/athletic type that I was attracted to, not that I was brave enough to act on it, so I just spent several hours every week admiring the object of my current fascination.

It wasn’t until my second year in college that I plucked up the courage to flirt with another girl which I’m glad to say was reciprocated and led to my first girlfriend, her name was Andrea and we lasted the best part of a year until then she suddenly dropped not only out of college but off the face of the earth, to this day I’ve never seen or heard from her, I do know she came from a deeply religious family and my feeling was that they somehow got wind of our relationship and sent her to live down south somewhere with other family members.

Since then I’ve had a few short relationships and far too many crushes on people who either where completely unavailable or are natural spirit levels if you get what I mean.

My most recent relationship was with a wonderful, gorgeous angel with a rifle (I’ll explain in a minute) called Emma. She works for a shipping company and she’s in the TA (rifle explained). She’s currently on a tour of duty some where in Afghanistan. We met just before Easter last year hit it off instantly. We got together as often as possible, work and other commitments permitting (I wasn’t always fishing when I said I was), and do you remember my solo camping trip to Snowdonia, it was more of a duet, pity the weather didn’t do us any favours.

Anyway at the end of September Emma got notification that she was required for active duty and the relationship had all but fizzled out and we decided that it was probably best to part company while we were still friends.

Just before we split up, we had a discussion about when she came out and that she decided to tell everyone who mattered to her, all her friends and family, at the same time and worked it into her speech at her 18th birthday party and I told her that although very few people knew I was gay, I never considered myself to be closeted as such because like you Dad I don’t believe that I should have to go shout it from the roof tops but made a promise to myself that if I was asked I would be honest, and I can truthfully say it’s working for me, but at the same time I wanted to tell you guys and some people in work, mostly because I’d gotton tired of fending off certain peoples attempts at matchmaking and having to think before I spoke about what I’d done at the weekend or the night before.

So next time I met up with Emma she gave me two presents, going away presents, both of which I have had on my person everyday since. The first was a gay pride ring (middle finger left hand) and the second was….

Now Dad sit up and pay attention…

The Zippo lighter is not yours unless you too have one that says

“NOBODY KNOWS I’M A LESBIAN”


Like I said before I wanted to tell people but didn’t want to make some big statement so the ring is worn all the time and some people have noticed that and I use the lighter all the time.

In work it was easyish, I’d always left my ciggies and lighter laying round on my desk and since my desk is the most frequently visited by all the staff, so they got a pretty big hint some people straight out asked, others took in the information without reacting. Tracey was the interesting one, she asked Gary who told me she was reluctant to ask in case a friend had given me it as a joke and I took it the wrong way, so I sent her an email saying yeah I am and it’s OK to ask and to tell others if they asked. Karen Kelly was funny, she just give me a big hug and said, “You feel a couple of stone lighter now don’t you?” and you know I did.

I emailed Carmol as soon as I made the decision I was ready to do this, it felt like I should, she’d trusted me when she found out she was pregnant and I knew if I did get any hassle off anyone, she’d be there for me, she phoned me straight after reading it, I’d made her cry. I needn’t have worried everyone has been great especially Lisa and Cameron, they’ve been my sounding boards for ages and we can talk to one another about anything.


Here, at home was harder, don’t know why, (please don’t be offended that I could tell people in work before I could talk to you, but I’ve tried loads of time over the last few years and ultimately I can make new friends, and if friends can’t accept me for who I am they weren’t really friends anyway, but not a new family) because I knew then as much as I do today that you would be accepting of what ever choices in life I made so long as I’m happy and believe me I truly am happy. Also remember that I made the decision that I was ready to put myself through this ordeal, (ask anyone, being ready to publicly say your gay is an ordeal, saying it to yourself is hard enough) was mid October when Nan was first showing signs of being sick again.

I set myself a date, I was going to tell you when we went out for my birthday, but life had other ideas and I lost my nerve. Then heading towards Christmas my confidence came back and I set myself another date of some time over the holidays, I had fifteen days to choose from, but fate took a turn for the worst, and emotions were raw enough without me adding to them.

Since then, there have been a few positive conversations where gay relationships/ issues have been raised and they have encouraged me to finally write this letter, this is at least my 20th attempt at this letter, who knew those 5 little letters were so hard to say.




Jono knows, he picked the lighter up in my room one night and although he never commented that night he’s dropped the word ‘girlfriend’ into enough conversations for me to know that he’s OK with it, but you can show him this letter if you want to.

Now for the bombshell. I hope your both sitting down, if not I suggest you do for the next bit. Nan also knew and she’d met Emma a few times, granted I only ever introduced her as a friend from work but just before she died I went in to the hospital to see Nan on my own and she wanted to know when Emma was home from the Army and then she near gave me a heart attack.

She told me, “I may be old and forgetful, but I’m not stupid. Listen to what your old Nan has to say and take it in and live by it. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, if you being in love with someone like Emma, makes you as happy as you have been for the last few months, you don’t need anyone’s approval, do what is in your heart and make it up with her while you can.”

I swear those are the exact words she used, I’ll remember them for the rest of my life because it was as if they branded into my heart and I cried. It was the last time I spoke to her and it’s also why I don’t have any horrible images of her in my head and also why I didn’t want to go and see her before the funeral, I want that special moment, that one sentence to be my lasting memory of her.

What I didn’t know at the time was that Emma had been to see Nan without me to say goodbye before she left for Afghanistan so it must have been late September early October and Nan had pretty much had the same conversation with her. Emma even tried to get compassionate leave to come to the funeral but they said because it wasn’t immediate family she couldn’t.

I don’t know if we will get back together, but we both agreed that there’s no making up to do, the relationship had run it’s course, ended amicably and we’re still friends.


Love you Always
Rachel