1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Dad

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by klix, Sep 1, 2015.

  1. klix

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2014
    Messages:
    145
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    London
    Over a year and a half ago I came out to my mum over the phone, unfortunately my dad over heard part of the conversation and she had to explain to him the truth... Apparently telling the truth is important in a relationship/marriage.. who knew?

    Anyways, my dad was really disappointed and disapproving, we didn't talk, I didn't come home for my birthday to avoid any issues.

    My dad has always expressed a dislike for gay men on TV or what ever, he would switch over and make a comment or what ever...

    It's been a year and a half so I asked my mum what his position was, hoping he had softened but it seems he's the exact same as before, he really resents it and is not at all comfortable with it.

    The only reason I got to see him after not being able to come home to my parents for a couple months was that he came to see me in hospital when I got my brain tumour diagnosis.

    However everything has changed, we hardly talk, he was never that supportive but now it's so strange...

    My dad was never one for much emotional talk or sharing, being much of a father figure, he's done some great things for me, but we never talked about anything properly... He didn't teach me to shave, give me the talk about sex etc... nothing...

    I really don't know how I feel about this, but I feel like I am missing out on any potential future boyfriend meeting my parents.

    My friend asked why I would want to introduce them if that is the way he is, but still...

    I don't know how to deal with this...

    These are the key points of what my mum said last night about my dads feelings:

    I know he feels a deep sadness.
    I know he wishes you weren't gay.
    [Talking to him] won't change how he feels about you being gay.
    He is heartbroken about it and his way to cope is to ignore it and pretend it's not true.
     
  2. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Messages:
    6,943
    Likes Received:
    2,359
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It might be better for your Dad to talk to other Dad's or parents of LGBT children about it. If he does, I'm sure he will find that he is not alone with his feelings.

    Take a look at the FFLAG website (link following) Home and maybe print off some of the information sheets and resources for him to read. There is also a book list that may be worth considering. If he knows help and support is available he can choose to access it, on his own terms and it may help him to get past these feelings and begin to rebuild some kind of relationship with you.
     
  3. klix

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2014
    Messages:
    145
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    London
    Thanks Patrick, I am not sure if he will go to be honest, he don't want to talk to me about it and asked me to write an email instead because he doesn't want to have an argument about it and won't change his mind.

    I don't really know that even if he was open to this that he'd go, he never leaves the house except for work and doesn't engage in social activities with others, my mum does stuff on her own because he won't go with her.

    Their relationship has taken a lot of strain and now this is another issue that my mum is struggling with.
     
  4. AnthonyC

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2015
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Grimsby
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi Klix,

    My turn to offer some advice.

    Have you tried writing him a letter. It might be a good way for you to write down everything you are feeling and it will give your dad the time/space to really go through it.
    You mention that he came to see you in hospital, to me that shows that he hasn't given up on you. Maybe he doesn't know how to act or how to process it all. As you say, he makes comments on gay people he sees on TV, maybe he sees gay people as all the same. It might depend on what impression he has got from people on the TV.

    You need to really stress that you can't change who you are and that you are still the same person.

    Maybe even a video of you saying what you are feeling.

    Take care,

    Ant
     
  5. JB2015

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2015
    Messages:
    99
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I like PatrickUK's advice, but there were a few things that caught my attention here:

     
  6. klix

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2014
    Messages:
    145
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    London
    Thanks all, I don't know what to do, I see him occasionally, we've gotten to a situation where he is respectful around me, but we'd never talk about much, at all.. it's not so bad that he won't see me, but he really isn't okay with it. We don't talk...

    I dunno... Just part of life I guess.. needs to get me a boyfriend first before this is an issue!
     
  7. JB2015

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2015
    Messages:
    99
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    My first post took awhile to edit so I didn't see the new ones beforehand

    Why would he ask you to write an email, then?

    I agree with AnthonyC, I don't think he's fully given up on you yet, but now I really want to stress the letter/email.


    Please try not to let this bother you.
    You were right to tell your mom since you were ready, and your dad just happened to hear. That's not your fault, and certainly the way he is acting or the effect it's having on their relationship isn't either.

    I know you never had the best relationship with him, but was there anything the two of you bonded over?

    Maybe if you can do something like that, he can see you are still the same person, and that will help with his perceptions/opinions?
     
  8. klix

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2014
    Messages:
    145
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    London
    Yeah... be never had much bonding... just talking on long car journeys about science and tech and stuff.. never much though...

    Biggest moment was when my mum was in hospital with cancer and she had Sepsis and no one really knew if she'd be coming back from hospital, I came back from London and wanted to be strong for her, so asked my dad to pull over and burst into tears...

    Thats probably the only time he's been there for me because my mum wasn't but this was before I came out... We hardly talk now about stuff.
     
  9. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Messages:
    6,943
    Likes Received:
    2,359
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi Klix, even if he doesn't talk to FFLAG, at least offer him the opportunity to visit their website and read the resources and books that are available, then he can make up his own mind. Even if it only leads to a softening in his attitude, it's better than the tense situation you find yourself in now.
     
  10. klix

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2014
    Messages:
    145
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    London
  11. JB2015

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2015
    Messages:
    99
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm so sorry, klix. (Hug)

    It was/is much the same way with my dad.
    Just basic conversation before I came out,
    Now that I'm out, it's strictly taking care of his medical needs.

    It's very awkward to talk to him, and anything LGBTQ is total taboo.

    I really hope your dad comes around though.

    Best of luck.

    Keep us posted and let us know if you need anything. (&&&)
     
    #11 JB2015, Sep 2, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2015