(I'm 17.6, not 19 like the profile says) This is probably the 50th time I'm complaining about how much everything sucks. And still, it just does not get better. I went from complaining about not having real friends to losing those I did have, but that's just one small thing. The last 5 years have been hell. Summers are usually my lowest points. Two summers ago I remember waking up and having to sign up to some school during the summer break, and I woke up in the weirdest mood wondering why I even go on like this and what's the point in living when the present sucks and the future is FOR SURE not going to be ideal for me (being gay). I repressed that and decided to start over and it blew up again this year. This year I would sometimes skip school after 2 classes depressed, just because I woke up "weird" and didn't want anyone to see that on my face. Lost. I started to think about suicide again, but not exactly, I wasn't planning to do it but I saw nothing that's worth it. On top of that, after VISIBLY being a mess for 5 years, I almost spelled out to my mother that I was gay. No marriage, no kids, depression about something I don't wanan talk about kind of talk.. just because I wanted to feel a significant change like I'm doing something, not because I felt she would accept me. She eventually asked me if I was gay and I said no. She said some bad things about it in the proccess and to this day she still plays the shame card when gays are mentioned somehow, maybe to get a reaction out of me or just to scare me into being straight. So... at that low point I decided to make this summer "life changing". I said "let's actually give life a try before I decide it's worthless". Summer got here and guess what? Nothing's different. My phones been on for 2 weeks and not a single call or text message. I'm really paranoid about not doing anything and about this summer generally. I want a complete change and it's driving me crazy that I see how it's the same. Like I said my lowest points come in summer time and I will hate myself if I let these months go to waste. I will not start next year if nothing changes. I have no idea what to do to make that change. I tried going to a gay party and it was disgusting, I wasn't attracted to anyone physically or personally and I didn't feel good about being there. Plus all the parties from now on will be 21+ and I can't enter. What's left to do? Putting my picture on some meeting website? I don't want to expose myself like that, esp. because it's summer and you never know what repressed gay guys go to your school. I'm also against all the gay organziations and stuff like that, there's actually one here nearby I will definitely not go to, so don't try to convince me. What else? Chatting with someone and hooking up? Ehh...
You've struggled for a long time - 5 years is a long time for anyone, but when you're only 17, that's a REALLY long time! That sucks. But you know what? Only the guy in the mirror is going to be able to make any major changes in your life. I assume that's why you're asking for some advice here. However, you've indicated right up front that you won't do certain things even if they're suggested. Well - they wouldn't be suggested by folks here if they didn't think they'd be good for you, so try to be open minded about what suggestions follow in this thread. They aren't being made for our benefit - they're being made for yours. (I know I'm guilty of this to some extent these days, but...) Why does having a good time need to involve being gay, or coming out? Can't you have a good time regardless? Go to regular parties or clubs if you don't feel comfortable going to the gay ones right now. I know it's not easy, especially when you're feeling down, but unfortunately it's the truth. Good luck. So, having got all that off my chest, here are some of the things that I'm looking forward to doing this summer. I'm sure others will have their own ideas as well! * washing, waxing, driving my car * reading a good novel (I've already ordered on line a couple of John Grisham books that I haven't read before) * going to dinner / sitting on patio's with friends * spending time with family at the cottage (including my kids!!) * painting my new condo (yes - I actually like painting!) * jogging (a few more pounds to go) * reading the Saturday paper and having a coffee on the weekends I don't have my kids * reading and posting on EC!!! There's a start. OK - other ideas? And in terms of meeting people online - it doesn't always have to be about 'hooking up'. If you're not interested in doing that, then there are bound to be other people also not interested. I've found that. I've met at least one new friend in the last few months who's gay, and we've become just good friends. We went to the movies together last Friday. We're having lunch together today. Its actually quite great! So, again, unless you take the first step and reach out to someone, or decide what you want to do to have some fun, nothing is going to happen.
Thanks Jim. Well there are no friends left to do anything with this summer. Literally. My best friend has a new best friend, we talk a little at school but that's over now too. I want gay friends/activies because I have never done anything with that. I haven't even kissed and that has nothing to do with my looks or anything. It's just my attitude. The time I convinced myself I was straight, I tried to "date" a few girls but always stayed away from actually doing things. So I started cutting off friends because I was sick of this "dating girls" routine, yet I wasn't doing anything with guys, and look at me. I don't care how shallow or whatever this sounds but it feels so bad being 17 and having so much experience in everything I shouldn't have and zero experience in the real things. After repressing and hating it so long, I think I'll feel more free when I actually do something. As for the internet, I'd have to put a picture... and I don't know if I want people to know about me before I even had some good experience to know when I'm ready to come out. I don't even care if it's about just hooking up anymore. BTW, I only asked not to convince me about the gay organization. There's a gay organization I will not go to for many reasons and explaining them would be useless because my mind is set on not going there. The only thing I can think of is getting a job. But mostly I just want to get experience and just change a lot of stuff cause at the core I'm totally different.
Thats kinda similar to me.. I've been depressed bout 4years..I tried suicide in a very stupid way, wich i wont say.:icon_redf. I wasted my time in summers too but now i'm tryin to get a job(rarely), do martial arts.. makes ya feel btter. And when i decide to do something in my life, the next day i cba. wich is annoying!:tantrum:
I'm glad you got something out of my post. Getting a summer job would be a great idea. You'd likely meet new people, and if they're working the same schedule you are, then they'd have the same time off too and maybe be interested in seeing a movie or going out. Plus, having some extra cash never hurts. So go for it! I TOTALLY understand how you feel about having 'experience'. I didn't know I was bi/gay in highschool - but I wasn't really into girls either, didn't really date, and no - if I think back - hadn't really even kissed a girl until I was in university - and even then it wasn't 'making out' - it was just a kiss good night kind of thing. But thats OK! Life isn't really supposed to be like it appears on television and in the movies. But we're so conditioned to think that, that we can get pretty down on ourselves if we don't seem to measure up. You'll come into your 'element' when you're ready. Being aware and getting comfortable with who you are are the first steps - and you're making them by talking about stuff in here. Thats great. And I know you don't feel like it - but 17 is still young. You've got lots of years ahead of you to meet people and have all kinds of 'experiences'. But I'd encourage you to make those experiences meaningful and positive - so don't 'hook up' for the sake of 'hooking up' unless you're really comfortable doing that. And pictures on the internet? Not necessarily. I certainly haven't posted a face pic. Instead, I've written ads that are sincere and honest and specific about what I was looking for, and I've received responses from like minded people. If I've been comfortable, then I'll share a picture. Or I've responded to someone elses ad that has interested me - because it was also appeared to be honest and sincere and along the lines that I'm looking for. I've had some success. It's not easy, and there are risks, and I'd caution you to not meet someone in person without chatting with them for a while, and meet them in public, etc. (insert legal disclaimer here... :icon_wink ) Even an online friend might be an outlet for you, whether you ever meet them in person. Not sure what else to suggest. Again - only you can make stuff happen for you. And the things you do don't have to be life-altering. Keep things casual, and life altering events will just happen when you're least expecting them. Keep in touch. (*hug*)
Thats how I used to be until last year. I have always been a bit mature for my age ( when i want) and when i was younger i had no friends because i acted like i was a teenager all the time..no fun for me( the highschool kind not the middleschool). I had started to make friend in 5th grade but couldnt tell anyone i was gay because of the ridiculous judgements and comment people make. I also tried to take my life more than once but I stopped because i was wondering what killing myself would solve. no my problems thats for sure...I decided to get a tude change and a new point of view on the world. Soon i didnt care as much what people thought and just had a laid back kind of personality.
You never know what the future will bring !! I was depressed too, things are still almost the same, but new stuff is coming my way in a near future, and finding a lover was one of the best things I've ever done, we met on the net w/o pics. Try something new, boxing for example, builds up self confidence. Your still in school, loads of young ppl to meet an talk with, I work and I'm the youngest, I have very little friends and I live in a tiny village miles from anywhere. Oh, and more worries will come your way when you start earning money and owning an apartment, car, etc. I've been to Morocco and dude, those guys have it bad, Europe/USA is awesome and so is our quality of life. There's ALWAYS someone, somewhere in deeper shht than you. Life is a b1tch. If you're lucky, something will come your way and things will start to get better, or you might have to go out and find that something. Don't kill yourself man, life is full of great stuff, you(we)'re still young !!!
Whatever you do don't mope around at home all day. For one whole summer i spent most of my time playing online games and chatting and i was so depressed. I think you should get out there and enjoy. Good things happen when you least expect it. Like others suggested you can look for a summer job or maybe volunteer. It'll allow you to meet knew people and possibly make new long lasting friends. You can take a courses or join groups. Wtv you do just enjoy your time off and try not to stress to much because you have your whole life ahead of you to figure out who you are and to meet someone who's right for you.
When I was in high school, I didn't have any friends until the very end of my junior year. And even then, I only had a couple, so summers really sucked for me. The trick is to find your outlet. I cook and play music (piano and organ!), and those activities really helped me become less depressed. A job would benefit you, as well; keeping busy is important!!
People want to be in a positive relationship (friendship or otherwise) with positive people. The change can take place within you, you just need to find an outlet. You don't want to go to the gay organization, that's fine. Find something that you can enjoy doing. Assuming, correctly I hope, that you live in the U.S. find a volunteer opportunity at the USA Freedom Corps site that is close to home that you will enjoy. Once you're out there doing something, your attitude can change if you allow it. With whatever you do, follow these steps to make it a remarkable experience: Find ways to be lighthearted in your experiences Engage people positively Be there both mentally and physically Only you control your attitude, choose to be remarkable These are the fundamentals of the FISH! Philosophy. May I suggest you read FISH! For Life by Stephen C. Lundin, Ph.D., John Christensen, and Harry Paul.
Thanks a lot everyone. I can't really find a job right now. I'll keep trying but most jobs for my age are probably taken by now. I also have a lot of finals to make up for because obviously feeling like that affected my grades completely... or/and made me skip finals. 17 may be "young" but when those years go by so slowly and depressing, I just need something to keep me sane. Today I had another crappy insignificant day and I'm so pissed that this summer is wasted on the same insignificant stuff. Just a few minutes ago I threw the spoon on the wall leaving a preety obvious hole on the wall because I spilled something on me and nothing goes right. The smallest things get to me now. That's because the bigger things are unsolved... and I don't even wanna think how it will build up if it doesn't change by the end of the AUgust. It depresses me to say this because I've supposedly come a long way with how I feel (accepting that I like guys) but I just look at "normal" straight lives and wanna live it. I've seen gay people in real life, a lot o them, and not one of them looked "straight" to me except maybe one or two people. It makes me feel that I'm "abnormal" just like them cause how they act really isn't something normal MEN do. And when I look at gay parties picture, I just think "yeah, keep putting on makeup and be bitter later when you don't have kids".. and all those insults come back to me because I'm like them... gay. However I know I'll feel better with someone. It's bad that at this point when I'm 17 and wanting this summer to change me, I still hate everything around me and can't see what to do at all. And all I have to hope for is for this thread and message not to be ignored. I also have a dating profile without a face pic Jim, and the only offers I get are from completely desperate horny guys that don't even care what their fling looks like. There are some I find cute but I've become too critical of myself to approach guys that do have pics, because then the pic of me that I'll send would determine whether I'm good enough for a reply or not and I don't want that. I'm not insecure about the way I look but I've had something similar thing(not really the same...) happen and because my life is so empty, it actually got to me. I could have taken that in so many different ways but with me it's enough to have ONE possible negative reason and I'll overanalyze it. I actually hate this attitude and and it seems so lost for me to become what I could've been if some things hadn't happened. I don't live in the USA so the site doesn't work but thanks anyway. I hate social groups of any kind, it's not for me and I know I'll analyze things in a way that won't benefit me. The advices are all helpful but at this point it takes more than just being comfortable in my skin or finding a hobby. I feel I NEED the experience of meeting someone like me, and at LEAST a kiss. I don't see how I can find any of that... I still enjoy music and movies and stuff like that but being so alone and exploding inside has a much bigger impact.
Your life sounds depresing..:tears: have u tried counceling?? or stuff like that?? You shud do exercise n dat.. it makes you feel btter about yourself
No I haven't and I don't plan to. Wow it's been a week since this post. Nothing's different and more time is wasted, it's surreal. I'm so tempted to just meet someone online to feel something but I used to be against that kind of stuff so I don't know. I guess it can be disappointing not to get a call back after my first time and that's very possible with those internet hookups.
Not only is it very possible with an internet hookup, it seems to be the standard on many "dating" sites. A "hookup" is used synonymous with a one night stand on those websites. I can't really fault you for wanting to meet someone. It is natural to want to be with someone. I'm afraid though that your self-described depression may lead you to an action that you might regret. Mental health encourages physical health, and right now you are in a mental funk. Don't read into this mental thing as a sign to indulge in risky behavior. There has been a lot of good advice given in this thread for you. Try out some of these methods first.
My life feels empty sumtimes, but not as i used too. When i see poor people on t.v or listen to music that the lyrics are sayin that people have roughs lives, it makes me wanna do sumthing.. insted of sittin around nottin doin nething.. i used to b a couch potatoe..l:lol: lol if u kno wat it means. And wen i see people wiv mental problems.. that got them like that bcoz they were depresed and stuff like them old anooying people, padeos and othas.. i dont wanna end up like them being lonely for da rest of my life. i dont wanna b those people who peeping out of their windows wishing that they were otha people.. and when i see disabled people it helps bcos, they dont hav da chance to do stuff when u do.. not sayin that its good people r disabled.
Yeah, I know I'm not gonna take it lightly if I don't get a call and that's very likely. But trying to make so much sense makes it all more confusing. In fact I just found myself drunk at 4AM looking for someone online. I was aware of what I was doing though and I started talking to someone. He wanted a pic right when we started talking and I just hate situations like that. Not because I think I'm unattractive but because there's a possibility I could be ignored afterwards, and I know that would mess with my head. I'll talk to this guy later but the pic thing sucks, thats why I don't like dating websites. He knows I'm interested because I contacted him but now I need his "approval" or whatever for this to get somewhere.
