So, I'm out as gay to people at work and I want to come out to my family. I know they won't take it well because they're very homophobic, but I don't want to lie to them any more. The main issue is last year (and this is incredibly awkward to tell even online), my dad almost caught me having sex with another guy. Luckily, we both had our clothes on but the guy panicked and started putting his shoes on when my dad burst in the room. My dad was very suspicious and when the guy instantly left began questioning me as to whether I'd had sex with him and why the guy had been in such a rush to leave. I'd lied to him and told him I wasn't gay and we'd just been watching a movie. He dropped the topic after that but only because I'd told him I wasn't gay so he thought we couldn't have been doing anything like that. I'm worried that when I come out now, I know he's going to bring the incident up again and I'm not sure how to respond this time. I don't want him to know what we were doing because I don't want to feed his assumptions that gay people are only in it for sex. I want to show him that I'm capable of loving someone as a gay man the same way that he can love a woman and it's not all about lust. I don't know what to say when he brings up the incident this time and it will be an incredibly awkward discussion in front of the whole family if I do confess what I had been doing. I especially don't know how to answer why the guy had been putting his shoes on and left in such a hurry. This has me very confused as to what I should do. Any advice? Thanks in advance.
Just tell him that it's a wildly inappropriate question to ask regardless of your sexual orientation. Parents should not think about their children's sex lives and kids should not think about their parents sex lives. It's really awkward for everyone around. You could also say say something like, "if I was straight and that was a girl, would you still be asking?" Just try to say something to redirect the conversation away from sex if you're like most kids and uncomfortable talking about it with your parents.
Maybe when you tell them you can make sure to state "I can only fall in love with guys/I can only see myself marrying a guy someday" or something like that. Or perhaps you could tell your dad separately from the rest of your family so you don't have to worry about him bringing it up in front of everyone. Or you could write a general letter for all of them, or individual letters to each of them. ---------- Post added 3rd Sep 2015 at 09:33 AM ---------- Also, if you can't help the fact that he'll think "gays are only in it for sex," don't let that stop you from telling them if that's what you want to do. Even if he hadn't walked in on you guys, he would still probably hold those beliefs a bit even after you tell them. Of course, he can come to accept it more in time and see that it's not all about sex but the best way for you to help him do that is showing him it's not that way. In the future, if you have a boyfriend your parents know about then it will show them that you can care for a guy and love a guy and I think that's the only way to truly show them anyway. But you just have to get through that first step of telling them so they can begin on their journey of accepting you and understanding what you want. Good luck!
Oh man... that guy pretty much told him everything by doing that, haha! Just tell him. It's so obvious he knows. C'mon, your dad doesn't care about you being able to love someone. He probably just hates the hell out of gay people because everyone does, so you have to talk to him a little bit. Aaaand since you're gay, and you're his son, he might start accepting it more with time.
I think the only thing you can do here is be completely honest. The fact that you're gay isn't changing. What you want to say about the almost being caught having sex with the guy is your story to tell, but if you are open and honest and say that you're gay, you always have been, it's not something you can change, you haven't been able to express it to him until now, and don't need him to get it or accept it yet but still just want his love and support, that's all you can do. The fact that you misrepresented that previous situation makes it a little more awkward, but that'll be offset soon by taking the world off of your shoulders and sharing your truth with your father. Good luck and be brave! DZ
