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Regret coming out. Feeling invalid

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by BlueRazzberry, Sep 3, 2015.

  1. BlueRazzberry

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Washington
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I grew up an only child raised by a single mother. I was never a stereotypical boy. I don't care about sports, nor was I good at them. I got along much better with women, and still do, though I've never actually found them completely attractive. I eventually looked at every girl I dated and knew I didn't find them attractive. I've always found boys to be prettier, and I knew that. I didn't know at a young age what was going on, but was trained by society (and later, family) to suppress and ignore what was going on. I figured I liked girls because that's what boys like. And just because I was different didn't mean I liked boys. I looked at them but that didn't mean anything, I guess. Although, I never denied being bisexual to myself, or a few very close friends.

    I met my dad when I was 13. He ended up moving in with my mom and I, and shortly after, he brought his two kids, my half brother and sister, and they brought their significant others. They all come from and were newly leaving a very rough life, where they grew up tough street kids, like my dad. I was too girly for my dad and was told that I needed to have more self esteem and to hold my head up high and be proud of our name and yadda yadda (I do like my last name btw.) Years go by and I learn to be a boy. I hung out with boys, tried taking up skating, look at girls like boys do, the whole bit. It's what I knew, so it really wasn't odd to me. I felt normal, other than forcing myself to try to be confident.

    I experimented with friends/acquaintances a few times, including meeting a stranger twice for sex. I've dated a lot of girls and cheated on almost every single one. I'm good at sex with girls but I've never come out of it pleased. I stuck my dick in something and that felt good but it's never been anything more than that. I've always been straight, though, so I enjoyed it, right? I guess. I always liked playing with guys more.

    My last relationship did not pan out well at all, especially after 6 months when I moved back to my home state. 19 months of long distance later, we broke up. Actually, she quit talking to me cold turkey. We talked and about what our wedding day would be like, the night before, and I 'joked' that we could both wear pink dresses. That was the last time I've heard from her, to this day, coming up on 7 months. Anywho, several (let's say 6-8) months prior, I started getting feelings of wanting to wear makeup and girls clothes, have a boyfriend. It wasn't all the time, but enough for me to decide to start messing with my hair in more girly fashions and let my feminine nuances begin to show through.

    I'm 22 now and I came out to my best friend, ex-girlfriend (mentioned above), and mom that I was bisexual. I more recently came out to my mom as gay. At this point, I feel like a girl every day. I smoked weed, which I hardly do at all anymore, with my best friend and coworker yesterday and had, what I imagine, was an extremely severe case of dysphoria (I've yet to figure out exactly how that feels.) I felt extremely uncomfortable and out of place. I feel like this most days but it was really overbearing. When I refer to myself as a girl, it seems natural and I prefer it. Questions and feelings regarding my gender first popped up around 15, if I remember correctly. I told my (different) best friend over a text and he got weird about it, so I suppressed everything and went on with my life.

    Calling myself gay just doesn't seem right. I don't 'feel' gay. I honestly just feel more like a straight girl at this point in my life but I've never been sure of myself so I can't get myself to go either way. Calling myself trans or anything of the sort is a huge deal and it's not something I've come to really know yet, especially since I'm realizing that I don't even know myself. I'm so far removed at this point, I feel like there's no hope. It's a step that I'm really scared to take and I'm feeling like I need some validation. I know I need to see a therapist in general, as I have a lot of issues from my life to deal with. I can deal with being gay, for the most part, but it just doesn't feel completely right. But it's the closest I can get to being open and honest. I'm tired of hiding everything but I can't bring myself to be open about all of it. I thought just being gay would make things a lot easier but with these feelings I've been having, day after day, I'm afraid they'll never go away. I'm not ashamed of who I am, I just don't know who I am. I suppose I never have.

    If you made it to the end, thanks for sticking around. It's taken me a minute to write this and months of trying to even get these thoughts somewhat organized. I think I've gotten just about everything in there.
     
  2. 50ishandout

    Full Member

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    Bet it felt good to get that out. Take some time to figure things out. You'll know what's right for you.

    In the meantime we're here for you.
     
  3. High Art

    Full Member

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    An LGBTQ therapist and/or a support group would probably be a great thing for you. It's great that you've taken the step to write how you feel here on ec.

    I hope you find some support close to you!