Confusion, need to make quick decision, don't want to come out

I've "known" I'm a lesbian since as long as I can remember - probably earliest "crush" was around age ~7. I have been in denial for a long time and I've somewhat accepted that this is how I feel around a year ago. I'm from an extremely conservative family & town, but I go to college in a big city. I absolutely cannot come out as I am 100% sure my family (& hometown friends) will disconnect me, and I will not only be personally devastated but also financially cut off...just some background info.

Anyway, I've been wanting to try recreational basketball this year at college. But when I went to tryouts last week, there was this girl who really struck my eye..like I physically got goosebumps when I saw her. I was really shocked at how attracted I was. I literally stared at her the entire time much to my dismay. I really hope that my friend who was trying out with me didn't notice me ogling her. I got to chat with her a little bit and she literally blew my mind. Just so beautiful, smart, funny....perfect.

Anyway I just got news that she and I are going to be on the same team, but now I'm wary of joining because I'm probably going to unintentionally out myself because I am too obvious. I would obviously never intentionally come on to her or tell anyone about this, but I think it's too obvious with my shyness around her, staring at her all the time, etc. It's really risky because there are a couple people on the team whom I know who could potentially notice.

I keep thinking that I should just make a boyfriend so that people won't question me, but I know that would be a really selfish thing to do. I've had a boyfriend before (when I was completely in denial), and it was just awkward and terrible because he was really just a "friend" to me. But I keep having this feeling that if I just meet the "right" guy then I will be able to become straight.

I guess this is really paranoid and cowardly of me, but I am genuinely frightened I might fuck up my life by outing myself. What would you do if you were me?? I'm just so confused and obviously there is no one I can talk to about this. Should I just not join?? I genuinely have not been this attracted to someone before and it's very scary to me especially considering my circumstances. :help: :help: