Sorry for the length, its a little stream of conscious. So right now I am out to my really close straight friends, and my entire immediate family (sister, 2 brothers, twin and their spouses). Thus far its gone really well with only a one or two bumps in the road. The last leg that I really see in this journey before I am ready to be completely out to everyone is telling my parents. Quite honestly telling them scares me and its is also a little exciting. But i have hesitation, serious hesitation because of a dinner I ate with them the other night. We were talking about the Obama inauguration and my mom was mad over flack Obama was catching for choosing Rick Warren to give the invocation. And I chimed in and just said that I could understand the flack because Warren had equated homosexuality with bestiality and pedophilia. I was about to call Warren ridiculous when my dad chimed in and said well it is. Needless to say I was shocked, I always thought my dad was the more accepting of the two but he was down right passionate about how homosexuality was wrong and how he hoped that I followed the bible when looking at our current culture. I stayed quite until the subject passed. Then dinner was over and I was a little shaken. Anyways, so now I am in this place where I feel halted, stunted and stuck. I am so paralyzed by the fear of what will happen that I stop short of being me, 100%. All my siblings are behind me totally, but my sister is the only one who thinks I should wait until I graduate in a year and a half (panic attack anyone?). Though she and my sister are really close and I know she doesn't want their to be a rift between the two. So now I am just confused about how I should proceed, but a part of me feels like I have sacrificed a lot of myself to fit in with everyone in my "straight" world, and I am tired of it. I am also scared of my anger. My whole life I have been the perfect son, straight A's scholarships, 4.0 GPA in college, no driving tickets, no drinking tickets, no drugs, nothing at all. I am just scared that I will be so defensive when I tell them that an explosion of emotions will just make my coming out even harder. Not sure I am making much sense but I just feel like all of my siblings have made their mistakes, serious mistakes, and if my parents can't accept this then it just makes me angry. Finally, I am scared how my parents will feel knowing that they were the last to know, out of our whole immediately family, they were the last. I don't want to cause a rift but it almost feels like it is inevitable, maybe even necessary.
You have to do what is best for you. If that means waiting a year to tell them then so be it, just don't let them scare you into being ashamed of who you are. This is not a contest between who has achieved the most between you and your siblings. It sounds like what your parents think of you is becoming a hinge on how you view yourself. Like you have to impress them? I may be overstepping there with my assumptions and if I am I apologize. I don't mean to. You are an adult, and you are you. And whatever is best for you is best for everyone who loves you and cares for you. Because in the end that is what will make you happy. It may take time for your parents to understand. And there are lots of resources and books and communities that are devoted to helping them understand if they need it. Tell them when you are ready. I hope all goes well and we are always here and if you ever need to talk.
