Hi everyone, I don’t really know how to start this post, so I think I’ll just give you all some background info. I’m a 20 year old college student who’s completely in closet (not out to anyone). I won’t beat around the bush about my issue, so here it is: When I was younger I was sexually and emotionally attracted to women. I won’t lie that there weren’t any warning signs about me being gay. I tended to like to play with the girls at recess and stuff like that ya know. But when I started my freshman year of high school something just changed inside of me. Gradually I started to fantasize about men and watch gay porn. I thought it was just a phase when it happened, but the only feeling that disappeared seemed to be my sexual desire for women. And instead of being open with other people about my changing sexual orientation, I chose to hide it. And now here I am, in my junior year of college. Look I know my story is definitely not the most difficult. My parents are fairly progressive people (well at least my Mom is). I guess I just can’t seem to get past the whole “I was born gay” phrase ya know. I don’t think that I’m bisexual, I just didn’t start developing a sexual attraction for men until I was 15. I mean what am I going to tell my parents: “Sorry Mom and Dad, ya know all that stuff earlier about me liking women, we’ll just forget about that because now I’m gay.” I don’t want to lie to them and just say that I was faking it because I really wasn’t. I just don't want to see the dumb look on their faces when I try to explain it to them. So, I guess I’m wondering if someone has some advice for me? I’m just so tired of being in closet. I get so much anxiety sometimes that people might find out my secret that I just withdraw. I want to engage with my life and grow closer with my friends and parents by sharing this important part of myself. I just don't really know how to do it.
This is my exact experience down to the ages! I'm still in the closet, but I am out to a few family members. It's so frustrating because I want to be fully out and live my life as I am, but I feel like if the crushes I had on boys when I was younger do come back then I will come across as attention needy or confused. My family is very uncomfortable with bisexuality (probably because they don't understand it), but I also don't identify as bisexual. I want to be with another girl. I guess what I'm trying to get at is I understand the confusion that comes with later attraction. Sorry I know this isn't really an answer, but I have found that sometimes more comfort comes from knowing others are going through a similar experience. Anyway my advice after my experience coming out to my parents is that they will probably be confused and that's okay, just live and love authentically. I feel like the coming out moment is really more of a heads up to the people you care about because it's unlikely that they will fully understand what you are feeling.
Hi there, and welcome to Empty Closets! Knowing that your parents are progressive and most likely accepting is something to hand on to. Every parent has their dream for their child and has an 'idea' of what the future could look like. That said, a lot of parents will adjust their dreams once they come to know that their child is LGBTQ*. Try not to worry about it at this point. As the saying goes, there is a time and place for everything. Being in college gives you an opportunity to try to befriend others and build a support network which can help you in coming out. How would you feel about looking into as to whether you college has a LGBTQ* support group? Joining a support group could be a great way of starting the coming out process. The support could help you in feeling comfortable with being yourself around others, which in turn could help you to feel a lot more at ease with the thoughts of coming out to your parents.
I'm in the same boat. I'm 22 and gay, although I never figured I was anything beyond bisexual. I had plenty of relationships with girls, which I felt to be truly authentic at the time, and they were for the most part. My life got turned all upside down at 13 when I met my dad and a bunch of siblings that were tough, which in turn made me feel like I had to be the same way especially since I was being told that I was too much of a sissy. It wasn't until the last year or so, and a lot of thinking, that I realized my relationships felt really forced and I was suppressing my real feelings. My mom is the only person who knows and when she asked me about my past relationships, I really wasn't entirely sure what to say yet, but I did the best I could in telling her that I guess I never really wanted a relationship with them but I thought I did. I wish I could go back and explain that now that I've pin-pointed it more. And I suppose I could, it's just awkward because I really want to talk about it with her but she hasn't brought it up and she's always been one to bring things up later because she figured I wanted to talk about it. I guess my best advice would to be get to know yourself before you decide to let other people know that part of you. Chances are, it will confuse them so half-assing an explanation as to why could cause more confusion and will probably lead them to doubt you, which shouldn't matter anyway, but it could cause you unnecessary stress like it's done for me.
This may seem out of context at first, but please read on. I had a girlfriend for 4 years (age 16-20). I've known I was gay for sure since I was 12, though I first felt I might be when I was 7. For me, I never thought coming out during those years would have been a wise thing because of my family, so I tried my best to like girls. When I met my then girlfriend, I thought 'ok, well, I guess I'm not gay.', until the feelings I had for guys kept occurring. Never had those feelings for any other girl, and now I wonder if it was just my psyche trying to re-program itself, because I was trying so hard to suppress what was really inside. Because of this 4 year relationship with my former girlfriend, to this day, nearly 2 years after coming out to some of my family, I still get: Are you sure? Why do you think you are gay if you dated [girl's name]? You're not gay, you're just hurt because you and [girl's name] broke up You are just doing this for attention/to cause problems in the family. blah blah blah. What I'm trying to say here is that I'm sorry that society still has so many stereotypes/perceptions/assumptions of what makes someone gay, how they should act, when they should know, how someone else knows etc. Maybe we would if we didn't have to fear peoples responses and could just be who we are without fear of judgement. I get very irritated when I read situations like yours that this has become such a widely accepted explanation. Now, you probably doubt yourself more so (as you seem to indicate) because this explanation does not fit you. You shouldn't owe anyone any explanation anyway, as others have expressed. You are attracted to guys, and that's all. I don't see people having to explain why their eye or hair color is the way it is, so why do we need to explain our orientation/gender identity? :tantrum: I'm not dismissing the importance of coming out, and I could start my own thread about the people who do not understand or dismiss the importance. Sorry for the rant but I really felt a connection with your post (though my circumstances aren't exactly the same) and I really feel for you. (Hug). While I agree at least partly with BlueRazzberry who said Instead of feeling that you need to explain this to them, have you considered just saying: mom, dad, I like guys. I love you and I want to share this part of my life with you, and I hope it does not make you feel different towards me or love me any less. If they come back with doubt, there are likely many ways you can counter. Try not to overthink it. Not meaning this to sound as if I'm condoning confrontation, but I can tell coming out to them sooner rather than later is important to you, and I don't want you to try to come up with an explanation just because you feel you need one, or come up with something fast that doesn't fit you. If it's absolutely essential, you made a few really good points in your original post, which already came from you, in your own words: My family was my main problem also. They were the only reason I even tried dating my former girlfriend in the first place. If all else fails, How about PFLAG? Some outside help my be good in your case, and they do offer support for parents/families, which can help take this burden off of you. Sorry for the really long post and thanks for reading if you've made it this far, but I really felt I needed to give attention to this one.
"get to know yourself before you decide to let other people know that part of you. Chances are, it will confuse them so half-assing an explanation as to why could cause more confusion and will probably lead them to doubt you" I wasn't exactly trying to say that you should have to explain anything. If simply telling them that you like guys and leaving it at that is easier, then by all means do that. My only reasoning behind that was that not knowing what you want to say and having confidence behind it could lead everyone to be confused and put unneccesary stress on you, now feeling like you screwed that chance up, and will eventually have to fix it. I'm really methodical in a lot of ways and so I like to have my thoughts completely organized, otherwise I feel lost and I want to start over, and when I can't, anxiety kicks in. No one should feel pressured to have to explain anything but if you're like me, you'll understand what that feels like. I'm not someone that can make a big deal about something and then not be able to explain it to my standards, which I hold at an extremely high level for myself.
I didn't mean that to come off negativity, and please note I also said: and . I just meant what I said as a general comment really, because I didn't want thetimeisnow to stress out to much over that if possible or feel like he had to do things in a certain way. I, too, take time to explain things to people when I come out, and give them the whole story and offer to answer questions. I'm someone who feels the need to explain things too, and I have my own extremely high standards, trust me. I guess in this case I was also expressing a general anger at the fact that orientation/gender identity is still and issue, as you will note also. Anyway, didn't mean to offend you if I did, and sorry I did not see this earlier. ---------- PS: would have rather done this by PM, but can't ---------- Post added 8th Sep 2015 at 01:42 AM ---------- How are things, thetimeisnow? Sorry to do this in your thread
Hello, I want to thank everyone for giving me advice about my issues. I'm still not exactly sure what I'm going to do moving forward, but it makes me feel good to know that there is a community of people out there willing to give me support and understanding. Thanks again!
I also completely relate to your post, I had crushes on guys all my life and had quite a few relationships with guys that seemed to be meaningful, I can see some signs that may have pointed to me being a lesbian from the standpoint of I liked to avoid sex and never really fantasized about it, but I just thought it was because being sexual is very stigmatized for females so it never seemed right to think about it at all, much less fantasize about anything out of the norm. I'm with you in thinking that if I come out, people will question me because of my past, but at the same time I kind of wonder if people will be expecting it, especially since it's been over 3 years since my last relationship. One of the things I've been trying to do is give subtle signs to my family that i might be a lesbian, like "liking" things related to LGBT issues on facebook so that I can see if others also like those things or if they at least are aware I support those issues. Sorry, I don't have much advice for you either, but I hope it helps to know you aren't alone
