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Coming out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Donteatthesushi, Sep 6, 2015.

  1. Donteatthesushi

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2015
    Messages:
    96
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    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    So i'm new here, though i have been lurking here for a long time. I would come here whenever i felt at my worst, reading posts on here always picks me up, make me feel better, the way the community on here is so supportive of each other. A little background on me, i come from a extremely religious background (my mom), though i myself am not religious at all. I'll skip a ton of details in this post so bear with me. I'll start by saying i knew i was gay when i was a kid, i had a crush on the boy next door who i played with on many occasions. I never acted on it out of fear, being raised religious and because i was shy. Then i began school and same thing happened again, i never made a move because i was shy. In high school 8th grade, met another guy who was also gay (he was the first gay person i ever met), but he was a lot more effeminate, i made friends with him. The other kids would tease him ruthlessly, i was dumb back then and didn't know about being what being gay was. Seeing other kids teasing him and how they treated him, me being a dumb kid wanting to fit in and not be bullied kept my head down and severed ties. He moved away soon after. Now looking back i wish i didn't do what i did but at that age i feared the other kids coming down hard on me, i was already a loner and outside social groups so i didn't want to get picked on by the other kids. I kept a low profile for the rest of high school. When it was all over and i graduated i went to college, the atmosphere in college was very different from high school. It was in college i had my first boyfriend, i met him during a class we both had. He asked me out and i managed to get a yes out of my mouth, he was really handsome. We started going out and i was reluctant to do anything being raised in a religious household. I always held back, but he was so patient and understanding with me. We dated for two years, i was so afraid to do the deed with him because of what i heard about gay people and AIDS. he assured me he was ok and agreed to get tested and when the results came back he showed them to me. We finally got around to doing the deed. I was racked with guilt after that and i didn't see him for two weeks after, he slowly helped me get in the groove of things. I went home on the break and i decided to come out to my mom, it was a mess. i was so nervous when i sat her down and confessed to being gay i felt the tears welling up in my eyes she thought it was because of being where i am and because i was at college that i'm just confused. Worst part is she went to pretending it never happened and she won't hear of it again. I'm now back in college, i don't know if i'm going to go home again and deal with my mom again, i broke up with my boyfriend as a result of what happened with my mom (i started pushing him away and we ended it). Sometimes i think coming out was a mistake. I wish i could go back into the closet, make it as if none of this ever happened. I still feel suicidal sometimes.
     
    #1 Donteatthesushi, Sep 6, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2015
  2. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Messages:
    6,943
    Likes Received:
    2,359
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Coming out to other people is a big step and coming out to parents is usually the biggest step of all, but you did it, so give yourself some credit for being brave enough to tell your mom. I'm sorry her reaction wasn't great, but it sounds like you were quite overwhelmed by the situation anyway and in that tidal wave of emotion you just couldn't hold it together. Guess what? I was exactly the same. It wasn't the rehearsed conversation I hoped to have with my parents either, but a stumbling, emotional, messy mumbling of words that included "gay". I somehow managed to spit that word out before I crumbled in a tearful mess. Why did it happen? Because inside my mind a rollercoaster of thoughts and feelings was going on... would they hate me? would they be hurt? would I disappoint them? would they think I was disgusting? would they reject me? All of those questions + more were spinning around as the words spilled out, and like you, I couldn't contain it. So I'm guessing the very same thing was happening when you told your mom.

    If you have lurked on this forum for a while you may have noticed how some members are religious and LGBT too. I'm one of them, but I have a totally different idea to your mom. You see, I don't think it's sinful or wicked to be gay and have a healthy, sexual relationship and I don't think it says so in the Bible either. In actual fact, I think sex is a wonderful, natural thing, whether it's between a man and woman, man and man or woman and woman. It's definitely not something to be ashamed of. Why do you suppose some people, like me (+ millions of other Christians the world over) have a very different idea to your mom? Are we all wrong, or could it be that she is wrong?

    When you have grown up in a very conservative religious family/community and you've always heard those narrow and condemning statements, it's very hard to walk away from the inner shame. Even though you are not religious yourself the messages have seeped into your core and taken root. But it's not just religion that's to blame, because I realised that my personal shame (and yours too I imagine) was a result of societal attitudes. Religion sometimes informs society, but more often than not attitudes stem from bigotry and fear of anything that is different.

    Let me assure you that you have nothing to be ashamed of and it wasn't necessary for you to split up with your boyfriend. Is there any way you could talk to him and try to explain what has happened? It sounds like he has been very patient and understanding with you and if he knows what you are going through he may stand by you. It sounds like you could do with that comfort right now.

    It sounds like you have overreacted to the experience of coming out to your mom and you find yourself in this really low place with a darkening mood. How different would it have been if your mom had reacted well; if she'd given you a hug and said "it's okay, I love you"? I'm guessing you would be looking at things from a very different perspective now and you'd still have your boyfriend with you.

    I don't think this is a totally broken situation, if you go back to your boyfriend and explain. If you tell him what you told us, I'm sure he will be there for you. He will know how much it took for you to tell your mom.

    As far as your mom is concerned, I think you need to give yourself time to recover your composure and confidence, before explaining again that it's real and not a phase you are going through. You may need some time and you may need a plan too, but we can help you with that. The immediate plan should be to talk to your boyfriend. Will you do that?

    If you would like to talk about this some more, you are welcome to send me a private message. (*hug*)