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Can parents of LGBT people be in denial?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by SubZero, Sep 7, 2015.

  1. SubZero

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    We all know that somebody who is indeed gay, bi, or trans can be in denial about their own sexuality/gender identity. But can parents who have LGBT kids also be in denial?

    I've tried to be honest with my mother about me being gay. I tried to come out to her since January of this year, but she simply refuses to believe me. I remember her saying, "Honey, I would know if my own son is gay, but you're not gay. You simply just haven't found the right girl yet." She claims that I don't look gay or act gay, so therefore I can't be gay (that's quite ignorant IMO). She also seems to believe that she knows me more than I know myself. There's no reasoning with her and it just makes me frustrated!

    I tried telling her a second time, but she's quite stubborn. She just doesn't want to believe that one of her sons is gay and she does all she can to reassure herself. So now, I simply just reply with "no" every time she asks and she'll say "Ok good. I knew it."

    Like, how do you reason with somebody who is this stubborn and in denial? She thinks I'm lying, but why would I lie about such a sensitive topic?
     
  2. Lyana

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    Oh, absolutely.

    Denial is part of the 5 stages of grief -- part one, actually. And parents of LGBT kids may feel like they've lost something: the perfect man+woman+grandkids+white picket fence scenario they imagined for their offspring, the child they thought was a son when she is actually their daughter... It's actually pretty common. I came out to my mother in February, and she's still very much in denial.

    You might want to read this, which goes a little more into detail and may help you understand where your mother's coming from a little more.

    My advice to you would be to not back down, but be patient. I know it gets irritating, but I think you should simply keep calmly asserting your sexuality if she brings it up. You've told her once. If she brings it up again, like asking when you're going to get a girlfriend, you could say calmly, "Mom, I've already told you that I'm gay." If you're tired of facing her protests, shrug and say, "If it makes you happy to believe that. I'm not going to change," then change the subject or walk away. You don't want to seek out a confrontation, but you do want to avoid contradicting yourself.
    It's tough, but I think the only thing you can do is be patient, right now. She knows, but yes, she's in denial. There's little you can do about that except be very sure of who you are, and, well, wait.
     
  3. Chip

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    Any time anyone processes a loss (in this case, loss of perception you're straight), there are stages... denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. Sometimes it takes 10 minutes to go through them, and sometimes years, and everything in between.

    Clearly your mom is deeply stuck in denial. Not much you can really do. If it were me, I might consider writing a long, heartfelt letter and saying things such as you've known since you were (whatever age), that you are absolutely certain, that you've had much longer to think about it and consider it than she has, that you wanted more than she wants for you to be straight, but that it isn't in the cards, and by not accepting it, she's being really, really hurtful to you and it's affecting you every day.

    It's possible that something like that will snap her out of it.

    Keep in mind, though, that the next phase after denial is anger, so she's likely to lash out at you, play the blame game, say that she can't believe you'd do this to her, or whatever else... so you need to be prepared for that. It will pass, but given the strength of her denial, I'd expect something like that.

    And once she's through that... she will come to terms.

    If the letter doesn't work, you may simply have to wait until you have a committed partner and at that point, it will be near impossible for her to deny.
     
  4. SubZero

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    Excellent suggestions! Thank you both! :slight_smile:
     
  5. brainwashed

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    The question: Can parents of LGBT people be in denial?

    My opinion, yes. Other respondents to your post pretty much cover it. I like their material.

    I have to ask, how much energy do you have and want to put into the situation with your mom? A person only has a finite amount of energy. You could take your energy and apply it to dating and finding a boyfriends. Such approach would allow your mom to find her own way.

    My mom went into permanent denial. She must have felt I was gay but never told me hoping I'd find a girl, marry and live happily ever after. Instead the effect was to leave me in the closet, locked away from knowledge and love.

    Later man.
     
  6. Blue787Bunny

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    Denial can be one of the Coping Mechanisms a Parent can utilize when suddenly distraught at the thought or possibility that their son/daughter is LGBT we must remember that it may not necessarily be coming from a place of homophobia. We must remember that in the coming out process there isn't only "US/ME" but everyone in the family is affected. Parents may in turn have to face challenges to their own beliefs and concepts. In some aspects yes life will change, and they will have to cope with these changes. When a child comes out as gay, most especially when parents are caught off-guard. They may experience a multitude of emotions. They will have to cope with these emotions and in regards to coping they may experience different types of reactions.

    You said that your Mother is in a state of Denial. If I may presume your mom may just be going through the phases of "fear, denial, anger, grief" which are normal steps or phases in the road to acceptance. We tend to forget that life also changes for our parents, family and to some extent our friends when we come out. Your Mom might be going through feelings of Fear, Guilt, Self Blame, Dashed Hopes and Dreams, How Life Will Change, Sense of Loss of Control and Anger (I have a more in dept description here on this post I made: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/parents-family-members-lgbt-people/189630-accepting-parents-but-different-if-its-your-own-child.html). Inability to process this internal crisis may then lead to Denial, distancing herself from the very anxieties, stress, that these feeling and thoughts stir up.

    In saying this if your Mother is unable to process and accept the fact that you are indeed Gay, perhaps you can come out in increments so as not to bombard her with too much emotional and mental issues all at once---

    How about coming out in increments? Start out by talking about LGBT issues, ones that particularly apply to you and that you would face in the future ahead. Gauge her response, if it's in the negative hold out a little and just continue conditioning them about LGBT issues. If in the event she responds in a positive manner. Talk about a LGBT friend, who came out to his or her parents (can be imaginary). Talk about the response of the parents and how the situation was at first shocking but ultimately how they realized that he or she was still the same child they knew before, it didn't mean that everything about their lives had to change. Talk about the positive outcomes for the family such as a more open communication, no longer fear based. Gauge her response, if it's in the negative hold out a little and just continue conditioning her about the positive outcomes for the family, how happy they were that their child could now live as he or she truly is. If in the event she responds in a positive manner. Talk about what she would do if a relative a sister, brother, a child... were to come out LGBT. Gauge her response, if it's in the negative hold out a little and just continue conditioning her to the idea that having an LGBT in the family doesn't make it any less of a family. Just remind her of the positive outcomes your (imaginary) friend's family had come to realize. Eventually if she warms up to the idea then it may be time for you to come out... either in person or in letter.

    I ultimately wish you success in this endeavor. :slight_smile:
     
  7. Justinian20

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    My mother certainly didn't believe me when I came out, and still doesn't, she even says You'll meet someone. And I know she is talking about women I mean it's super clear that she thinks men are for friendship and women are for relationships but I just want to explain to her the truth about my depression and hope that she understands that I wanted to be with that one guy because I liked liked him. I just didn't understand that was what I was feeling at the time.
     
  8. guitar

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    I think my dad was a bit inndenial when I first told him. We had a massive heart to heart a few weeks later and I had him watch Prayers for Bobby. I think he got it after that :slight_smile:
     
  9. SubZero

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    Quite frankly, I am getting tired of it all. And you're absolutely right. I could use my energy trying to fulfill my own happiness and work on improving my own life. I literally just turned 22, and although I still live at home since I commute to college, it's still not worth trying to tell my mother anymore.

    It's like a cycle: I tell her, she panicks, tries to convince me that I'm not gay, I give in and just agree with her so she wouldn't have a mental breakdown, she's happy I agree with her, and we move on like that conversation never happened. It really hurts having somebody important in my life NOT believe me. It sucks!

    She'll figure it out eventually (I hope).

    Very in-depth response, thank you! I can try coming out to her in small increments, like you suggested. I remember seeing that thread you mentioned a while ago and the responses were very interesting. My mom seems pretty tolerant about gay people, but she flips out when I even try to mention to her that I'm gay. It's going to take her a lot of time to adapt to the news...that's for sure. I appreciate your advice and I will certainly keep all you said in mind.

    Thanks Justinian20 and guitar for sharing your stories too!
     
  10. tentacles

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    That certainly can occur.
    My mother knows that I'm a lesbian and insists that I'm straight because I "never showed sings of being lesbian during childhood". Sigh.