I could really use some advice. I feel very alone and crazy. Long story – kind of short! I am a lesbian. I have lived according to society prescribed “heterosexual behavior”, and forced myself to discard any thoughts of being a lesbian. In an effort to protect myself I think, I have simply remained blind to the gay culture, to gay individuals, etc. Last week, for a culture class assignment, I attended a primarily GLBT church and talked with a lesbian couple. My friends and family were very distressed by me even attending a GLBT church for a school assignment. While completing my assignment, I began having a very difficult time hiding from myself that I am a lesbian. I went back to the church for a Bible study the next night, but I had to lie to my friend because she would disown me if she knew where I went. At the Bible study, I felt like I could breathe for the first time in my life (probably sounds kind of weird). Here is my problem. I feel very alone and that I am going to have a meltdown any minute. Over the last several days, I have spent more time crying than not. I know I can’t tell any of my friends or family what is going on, because they would disown me or tell me I’m crazy. I do attend counseling, and when we were talking about the class assignment, she said “well, some people think they are gay until they work through their issues and then they aren’t anymore”. I wanted to clobber her. The only gay person I know is the lady who I “work” with, but I feel like I would be dumping on her – not to mention I just went to church and lunch with her as a “heterosexual” to discuss the gay culture. I wrote a letter to the pastor of the church I attended, but he did not respond. Help.
Welcome to EC, first of all :smilewave. I know what you're feeling. When I decided that hiding the fact that I was Gay was too much for me to handle I cried a lot, because I was really scared and alone. Fortunately, I found the courage to tell my best friend, and he was totally cool with it. I've also determined that I can't live like I have been anymore, and that by the end of the summer I'm going to try and be fully out to everyone. I'm under a lot of stress, I just moved to Georgia and am meeting a lot of my family for the first time, and my father is getting remarried. But I got to the point a few weeks ago, and I feel you might too, that not coming out is hurting me more than it is helping me. I can't fall asleep most nights until three or four in the morning, that's why I post a lot of my threads so late, I feel alienated from the rest of the world, I'm extremely depressed, and I worry so much that I've given myself actual, physical chest pain. I want to be happy again, and I know I can't until I come out. But you may not be at the same place I'm at, and you should do whatever you feel is best for yourself and until then you have everyone on this site to talk to. As for that therapist, I would want to clobber her too. If you are open with your parents about talking about your therapy, I would tell them that I wanted a new therapist. http://www.therapistlocator.net/ - I've been looking at this site and have found someone I think I might want to go see under the Gay and Lesbian youth specialist locator. It's just a thought, but it's worth looking at who's there.
Welcome to EC!!:smilewave As for not being out to anyone, that's not true...you are out to yourself and for now that's enough!(!) I too would want to clobber that therapist. What true therapist would say something like that. I suggest that you find a way to report her/him and request a new one. I think we should be your therapists, I mean we are friendly, totally accepting and it would be free...:lol: :lol:
Welcome to EC. I'm glad you found this site - it will help a lot! It has for me! I'm thinking that you've already been in touch with probably the most supportive group that you could ever find! I'm thinking here of the church that you attended. Could you tell your family that you have a follow up assignment that you have to do, and go again? Think of all the people there, that have all gone through the exact same process that you're struggling with! If you just wrote the letter within the past week to the Pastor, he may have responded and it just hasn't got back to you yet. Give him a bit of time, because I'm sure they will be sympathetic to your situation. How could they not be?!? I have to agree, that your therapist sounds like a dud. That certainly wasn't my experience. My therapist recognized I was gay before I was ready to admit it to myself - but he didn't force it on me or lead me to that conclusion. I had to come to that myself. And while its hard - try not to let this consume you. Your sexuality is just a part of you - it isn't all of you. (Easier said than done, and its what I say, not necessarily what I do!) Anyway - welcome again. You'll get all kinds of support here.
Thanks for your thoughts. Unfortunately, right now, I have a summer roommate who would probably disown me if she knew I was a lesbian. It is hard to get away to go to the church without her knowing. However, I did attend a "meeting" on Monday night and went to a Bible study they had at the church. While there, I was really scared I would run into someone I know. If I am going to say anything to family, friends, or at work, I want to be the one to say it - not the gossip mill. As far as my therapist, I have worked with her for over a year. I don't feel that I have really given her a chance with this issue yet, but she really gave me a knot in my stomach about talking to her about it. It does seem this board is a sort of therapy - and free of course, which is great. The Pastor did respond to my email. He apologized that it took so long, as it seems the email got "stuck in space" on his computer for a couple of days. He is very supportive, and he invited me to call him or whatever. Talking to someone face to face is scary though. In my head, I know they will be supportive, but I cannot convince the rest of me. My family is odd - more odd than most I imagine. I grew up in a few abusive home. At age 10, my mother kicked my step-father out (after 15 years of marriage), and a female moved in. They slept together, kissed each other, made out in public, etc, but they swear on everything they are not lesbian. A few months after the person moved in, the court system removed me from the home for child abuse. After 20 years, my mother and her "friend" still live together, still sleep together, and still profess their heterosexuality. I have not seen them "make out" for years though. In those 20 years, my mother's rights were terminated, and I was adopted. So, to make a long story short, I have a biological family and an adoptive family that I associate with. I talk to my bio mom and her "friend" every week, and my adoptive mother several times a week. I spend the holidays and "family times" with my adoptive family. To say the least, my two families do not get along. But, they do have one things in common - religion - being homosexual is wrong. And of course, the few friends I have managed to keep over the years through my chaotic life are on the "homosexuality is a sin" side of the religion debate. I am sure I gravitate to these people, because it made keeping the part of my brain that was in touch with my sexuality hidden much easier. It seems just so complicated to sort out in my brain. wtinal
Thank you for your responses. They have helped me to feel comfortable posting on this site. I am a lot less overwhelmed and "coming out of my skin" now. Thanks so much.
Hello, welcome to EC... Don't be afraid to be you... If anyone saw you at the GLBT church, if you weren't ready to come out to them explain that you are an ally. You are an ally, even if you are gay. The therapist pretty much told you that she is no longer of any service to you. I agree with everyone and suggest that you find a new therapist, see if there are any Lambda directories in your area that will point you to a GLBT friendly therapist. Your recent reply stated that the pastor replied to your letter, which you fretted he had not. Remember that not everyone is comfortable using the computer for personal exchanges and that his delay is possibly a result of computer aptitude. Families are all weird. You don't get to pick who is in your family, luckily though, you do get to pick your friends. You speak of a friend/roommate that might not be supportive of you if you were to come out to her. You also suggested that all of your friends would disown you or call you crazy. Are you sure there isn't anyone in your group you could confidently tell? If not, is there a way that you might be able to find more supportive people?
I'm glad we've made you feel welcome here. Now - just hang out for a while, read and post and respond and just get comfortable with the topics and your own thoughts on the different things being discussed. Getting to know yourself is an important first step. See you around! :smilewave
I love gumby! Welcome! I see others have helped you and but lets make less into nothing! The way i see it is you are a 31 year old lesbian.End of story. If people cant handle it, tell them to get over it. Boss is agianst this and you're afraid he/she will fire you?( probably not seeing as how now adays men are usually bosses and str8 guyslike that.) Then keep your work up and always do a good job so he cant fire you, seeing as how he cant fire you based on your social status. Someone has this signature and I loved it. I would say this doesnt just apply to men but women as well."Why is it,that, as a society we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands."
Honestly, I have no idea what he would say. The other person I know from work who is gay has worked there for many (10?) years. I can't imagine they don't know about her, but she does not attend any company functions though. All but the administrative staff work from our homes, so none of us see each other except at meetings and company functions. It just scares me. I am not sure why, but I think it scares me more to think about someone knowing without me be aware of that fact they know (strange sentence). Not sure why.:eusa_doh:
Not really its a strange sentence but yeah thats scary. Well like i said he cant fire you based on your sexuality only the quality and performance of your work.
Update: My bio mom and I have been emailing (long letter type) each other the past couple of days to try to resolve some past issues. In the process, I told her I was gay. She was very accepting and great about it. YAH!YAH!YAH!
Woot woot(!) Welcome to EC! As you have seen everyone here is great! Glad everything seems to be working out for you!:icon_wink
Thanks. I can't believe how much this site has made a difference for me. I have come a long way in the past week. THANK YOU to everyone who has given me advice or participates on this board in some way. I am SOOOOOO glad I found it when I needed it most. - Kind of becoming a computer addict though.
