Hey, I'm out to basically all of my friends, and they're all cool with it. And I've accepted myself and you know, things went really well for me when it came to coming out to my peers. Now it's my family. My family is hardcore Catholic - and I know that they don't believe that homosexuality is right or okay. I mean, I get grounded if I ask to skip church one Sunday - so I guess that kind of illustrates how religious they are. They're going away tomorrow - to drive my sister back to University. They'll be driving for 7 hours all together so I thought that it would give me an oppurtunity to write them a letter. They can read it in the car and it would give them time to talk about it and let the shock/anger dissipate at least SOME before they got home. But I'm SO scared. Thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach. What if they don't accept me or yell or won't let me live with them or something? Any advice.. ?
Hey my family is also catholic and I'm dealing with the same stuff. My adivce to you is to have us ECer's revice the letter and see if there's room for improvement. Secondly dont stress out! I know that's asking a lot but you really need to keep your cool. I'm sure in time your parents will accept you but you really need to ask yourself if your ready to come out to them. I think your plan is pretty good because this way you don't have to do it face to face and you trap them in a car for hours to leave them with their thoughts. So do you plan on talking to them as soon as they get home because they'll have a lot of questions. I hope everything goes well. Good luck, and if you need to talk about this post a message on my profile wall.
I think it depends on a few things. First, how necessary is it for you to come out right now? I mean is it eating you up inside, causing depression, things of that nature. If you just can't take it anymore then it's time. Second, how much longer do you have left to be living with your parents? You don't want to tell them (considering they're hardcore Catholics) too early and have to live with them for a few more years if they don't take it well. But if you know in your heart that you have to tell them now then write the letter and maybe post it here so we can help you out. Coming out to your parents is the hardest step to take (most of us haven't even gone there yet) so we all want to help any way possible!
While I was not raised Catholic, i was raised in a very religous and seemingly legalistic family. I was convinced I would be disowned. And while it was not easy by any means, and things between my parents and me are still uncomfortably unspoken, I know that I had to tell them. I had made myself sick only a few weeks earlier just thinking about their reaction to the news. I had never made myself sick before. That was my wakeup call. At one point during the 20 or so minutes during my coming out to my parents, my dad asked, "Do you realize we could just go and tell everyone?" (an angry question). My response: "It's come to the point where my mental health is more important than anything you could do to me." That shut him up very quickly. So, my advice is to be bluntly honost. My parents looked at the issue differently once they considered my mental state at the moment. It took their focus (at least a little) off of the "g" word. In the end, I was not kicked out. But I did have a plan. In case they do go bazerk, have a friend's house you could stay at or some other place to go. Unfortunately, you never know. Just be prepared for questions once they return from their car trip. And just be honost. Hope for the best. That's really all you can do.
This is what I ended up writing to my parents: It's a little different now that I've re written it on paper, but this is the just of it: I took out names that were mentioned. Mom,Dad, I'm writing a letter to you because I didn't feel that I could tell you this in person because I don't know how you're going to react. And don't call me right away or anything, because I picked today because it will give you time to think about it and talk about it without me there. You already know of my heavy involvement in the gay community and the GSA and being someone even at school that gay and questioning teens come to with questions and come out to. I know that I only really got very involved after I met ________, and I don't expect you to not notice that. ________ helped me a lot become much more accepting and also helped me come to terms with myself as well. In middle school was when I first really came to terms with it - but I didn't want to accept it and ignored it. I'm gay. I'm attracted to both men and women, but it's actually moreso women. I had dated a girl when I was in the seventh grade, but It didn't go anywhere and we both were closet cases so we decided it would be better to break up. And we did. When I was with ______ as well, we had talked about it once. I was with him for a little over a year and we kissed maybe twice. I was never really attracted to him sexually, but I liked him just the same. After that relationship, I really started to realize that maybe it was women that I was more attracted to. And so I got into another relationship with a girl. And things were fine. I ended up breaking up with her because I didn't want to hide it from you guys and I was not ready in any way to tell you about my being gay. I don't want you to get angry or anything. I know you're probably surprised - then again I wouldn't be surprised if you already kind of figured it out. I mean, my friends are mostly gay, and I'm much more comfortable around them than my straight friends. The first time I talked about this was with ________ years ago, and there was someone that I liked from the church, I just decided to not do anything about it. I'm out to my friends and co workers, and everyone is okay with it. I've had no negative reaction whatsoever, and I'm hoping that my parents, of all people, won't be the only ones to have one. I came out to _________ a few months after I met him, but I told him that I didn't want people to know, and I felt hypocritical since I was in the GSA telling people that it was okay to be gay, yet I couldn't accept myself. I think in a way, I was homophobic against myself. And then I thought, "Maybe it's a phase?" and I went with it, but eventually I had to give that up and realize that I had to just accept that this was who I was. And I hope you can do the same. This is who I am. Nothing has changed.
That's a great letter I might borrow that myself ! My advice would be to let ec look at your letter so we can help out, I hope whatever happens you end up happy!
That is a great letter.I really had to think about my letter that I am planning on giving to my parents.They have no idea how involved with the gsa at my school that I am.I am wondering now if I should put the fact that I am involved in my school's gsa in my letter.
I would print off some of the PFLAG materials and give it to them in addition to the letter. Our daughters and sons and Faith in Our Families are really good. http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=594&srcid=416
I would suggest reworking the first sentence to give it a more positive tone. Though I do like you asking them to wait a while before calling. I would suggest saying something like to effect of "I have known for a while that something is different about me and I have only recently begun to understand and accept it. I am writing you this letter because I want you know who I am and to be a part of this process."
I decided to type up what I've sealed to my parents and is sitting in my moms purse waiting for her to open tomorrow. Here goes: Mom, Dad, I'm writing you this letter because I didn't feel as though I could tell you this in person because I really don't know how you're going to react. Please don't call me right away because I picked today because it will give you time to think about it and talk about it without me there. You already know of my heavy involvement in the gay community and the GSA and being someone even at school that gay and questioning teens come out to and come to with questions (a few weeks ago there were some people that I didn't even know!) and I know that I only got really involved after I met ______ and I didn't expect you not to notice that. ______ helped me so much to come to terms with this and accept it. And I met so many other great people through the GSA that helped me so much as well. I'm gay. Bisexual, really. I'm attracted to both men and women, slightly moreso women. Maybe I'll draw the kinsey scale. It goes from 1 to 6 (I just kind of put it here) I identify as 4. I am out to my friends and my co workers. You know, it's taken me years to accept this about myself. I first talked to _______ about it in middle school. I liked someone from church and I was SO weirded out by it. I spent a lot of time trying to figure it out and when I thought that I was gay I HATED myself. It wasn't until I met a girl that was also questioning that I kind of started understanding. We had something, kind of dated, but never got close. We broke up because we were both 'closet cases'. My first kiss was a guy. And it was different than my first kiss with a girl. _____and I - there were reasons that I didn't tell you, for obvious reasons, why we broke up. I came out to him. We broke up because I wasn't sexually attracted to him. I told him that I didn't know what to do about it and then I tried to MAKE myself be straight. We went back out and THAT went well. During the year or so we dated, we kissed TWICE. Our relationship was far from physical. ____ was the third person that I told, but the first I told after I was certain. I told him in the middle of the night, actually. He's helped me get over this self-homophobia that I had where I hated myself for being who I was and he helped me to come out and now, not only him but 'empty closets' and friends from the GLBTQ community have helped me reach this point. And I want to tell you that this SCARES me. Telling you guys, because I love you and I'm scared of being rejected. or hurting you. But I'm still the same person. I haven't changed. And it shouldn't be weird. _____dates girls. I want to be free to tell you about who I'm dating. Like, I had a girlfriend this year and when we broke up It SUCKED that I couldn't say anything to you. I've tried to build up the courage to tell you for ages, and to accept myself for YEARS. I told ______ and _______ from work I was scared to come out to you guys and they both said that it was who I was and it shouldn't change anything. And I know that you probably worry about like me and it being difficult for me but I know the life and it was harder being in the closet. MUCH harder. I've had NO negative reactions and I'm hoping that my parents won't be the first one. I love you and I want you to accept me. _______ is coming over and he WILL be here when I do talk to you guys. I want to hear what you have to say. just, don't wait until he leaves. I NEED to have support on my end mentally. This is one of the hardest things that I've ever done. Please don't get upset with me when we talk. Coming out is hard. I don't think you can fully understand. It was hard to act straight all of the time. I still like men, but it's a lot less than women. Like, my boy band, I wasn't pretending to like them I just don't feel an attraction to them the same as CSJH, a girl band that I like. Sometimes I wish that I were straight. But the reality is, I'm not. THIS is who I AM. This is me. And I hope that you love me for who I am. Nothing has changed. I'm still me. I love you. -Uma
I've put the letter in Mom's purse with a note to read it after they left. It actually says Mom&Dad (Read after you leave. It's nothing bad, just important. And no, I'm not pregnant.) (They always worry about me being pregnant for some reason :\ ) So, tomorrow they will leave and I will have 8 hours to freak out -.-'
