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What Should I Do?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Ivory James, Sep 8, 2015.

  1. Ivory James

    Regular Member

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    Hi everybody, I am new to Empty Closets, and no one in the world knew that I am a lesbian until this post. I am just here for some advice and comfort i guess. I am a little on the edge when it comes to the thought of telling my family. In the past my relationships were not the best with them. I was very depressed, stressed, and had a habit of pushing everyone away even when I didn't know or want to. Thankfully this summer it has been so much better, and my relationships have grown strong, but I don't want me coming out to ruin that. I know deep down that if it were to ruin it then it probably wouldn't be real progress in the first place but it still bothers me. In the past conversations about the ever growing topic of legalizing same sex marriage came up between me and my dad. He said he was okay with it, but it didn't really look or seem like he supported it, and that was when I was just realizing my sexuality so it really scared me. Me being gay would not make my parents think to kick me out, but I don't want that tension that I felt in that conversation, or that relationship I worked so hard to receive demolished in one word. I also really do not like confrontation. I don't want them to think i am lying, going through a phase, or trying to get attention, and I wouldn't now how to deal with it if they did. In the past I have led them to believe that I was straight out of this fear which doesn't really help. If I were to come out and something were to go wrong, I wouldn't have anywhere to go. Do you think I should wait to tell them, if not what should I do?
     
  2. bubbles123

    bubbles123 Guest

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    Hey welcome to EC!
    It's great that you've gotten better relationships with your family members. I'm similar where I like to avoid conflict and stuff so I know that's hard. Coming out to family that might not be supportive is a scary thing, especially because we want to be sure our families will be supportive of us like they are with everything else. Although, there are lots of parents who have a hard time with it at first and need time before they finally accept it. People change. That being said, you should only come out to them if you feel ready. Do you have any close friends or other close family members? Perhaps you could start by telling just them first. Sometimes it's easier to just tell a person or two at first until you're more comfortable with it.
     
  3. Ivory James

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    I've told me brother recently, but he is the kind of person that is in his own little word, and stuff you tell him kinda just flys right over his head, so it was essentially like talking to a brick wall, I guess it was slightly relieving though. As for any other family members or friends...I don't have any friends but my brother, which like I said is like talking to a brick wall. And besides my brother, all my family members are very close nit and are terrible at keeping secrets, and even if they weren't terrible with secrets, they probably would still tell. See my delema?:bang:
     
  4. Blue787Bunny

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    Hi this is my usual advice to those who are willing to come out, but still have apprehension whether their family could ultimately take the "shock"...

    If you are also unsure of just diving in 100%. How about coming out in increments? Start out by talking about LGBT issues, ones that particularly apply to you and that you would face in the future ahead. Gauge their response, if it's in the negative hold out a little and just continue conditioning them about LGBT issues. If in the event they respond in a positive manner. Talk about a LGBT friend, who came out to his or her parents (can be imaginary). Talk about the response of the parents and how the situation was at first shocking but ultimately how they realized that he or she was still the same child they knew before, it didn't mean that everything about their lives had to change. Talk about the positive outcomes for the family such as a more open communication, no longer fear based. Gauge their response, if it's in the negative hold out a little and just continue conditioning them about the positive outcomes for the family, how happy they were that their child could now live as he or she truly is. If in the event they respond in a positive manner. Talk about what they would do if a relative a sister, brother, a child... were to come out LGBT. Gauge their response, if it's in the negative hold out a little and just continue conditioning them to the idea that having an LGBT in the family doesn't make it any less of a family. Just remind them of the positive outcomes your (imaginary) friend's family had come to realize. Eventually if they warm up to the idea then it may be time for you to come out... either in person or in letter. When you do, let them express their thoughts and emotions, let them get into grips with it. Do not challenge them right away, as this will create an atmosphere for potential defensive behavior from their position. When they come into grips with it. That is the time where you can ultimately talk to them and bring their perspective inline with yours.

    I ultimately wish you success in this endeavor. :slight_smile:
     
  5. Ivory James

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    I'll try it. Thanks!