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To come out or not to come out, that is the question...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by notreallysurern, Sep 10, 2015.

  1. notreallysurern

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    LA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hello fellow empty closet friends,

    I have been lurking on this page for a while now but I have never asked anything. Today I mustered the courage to ask you all a question that you are probably sick of hearing. Should I come out? Here is some background info:


    I am 18 years old, about to turn 19 in a couple of days. Just graduated high school and I am headed off to college in the fall! yay! If it wasn't clear, I am a guy in the closet. I have come into terms with my homosexuality and I have accepted it since I was like 12/13. However, I never felt the need to come out in my younger years. It was kind of fun having this secret that I could use to my advantage :wink: and I never really felt comfortable enough in my circle of friends or family to come out. Much like every other freaking gay person in this world, I come from a rather religious family. But seriously can we talk about this? Why does it seem like everyone in the LGBTQ community has super religious parents haha. Anyway, I am getting off topic.
    So unlike the mentality of my younger days, I now want to come out to my friends and family. I can't imagine going off to college and lying to a host of new people about my sexuality. With the whole supreme court decision and the general progressive tone of the US, I feel like it is time for me to come out. Now let me tell you what is keeping me from coming out. My mother. I love this woman, she has sacrificed so much for my siblings and especially me. Our family isn't on the best of terms right now. Without getting too much into it- parents divorced, oldest brother basically cuts everyone out of his life with the exception of occasional visits, middle brother as well as oldest brother do NOT speak to our father and rarely speak to my mother. And then there is me :slight_smile: the one stuck in the middle, the one that is everyone's friend, the one that has to hear every side of the story but I digress. So as of now, I live with my mother, occasionally visiting my dad. My mother is super christian, like this lady is the epitome of a good christian. She lives her life by the bible, with the exception of the divorce hehe, and is so kind to everyone. She is even kind and civil to her ex husband(my dad). She is pretty freaking liberal EXCEPT on the issue of homosexuality. She does not like gay people and is often disgusted by gay people on tv(the ones on Bravo and crap). And when she finds out someone like Anderson Cooper or Jim Parsons is gay she always laments and says "ugh what a waste, you know this is the devil's work. I can't believe they couldn't find a wife...etc." Now, I don't want to paint my mother as this horrific homophobe because she is not, church doctrine and our culture has simply gotten to her. Our family is from eastern africa and a gay bill was introduced into our country's legislature. This bill, surprise surprise, made homosexuality a punishable offense and introduced the death penalty. The idea of the death penalty is something that the people of our country "practice" on their own so you can imagine the anti-gay sentiment ingrained in her head. She has yet to denounce this bill even after its failure(hooray).
    We were talking once about a family member the was shunned from her in-laws because they were white and she was african. Her father-in-law wanted nothing to do with them because his son had "destroyed their family’s name and genealogy by mixing with a non-white". My mother said something to this effect,”its truly a terrible thing, how can a parent not want what makes their child happy” *cue the intense irony* “as long as my child is not gay, I don’t care who they bring home. I will love them unconditionally.” :bang:


    So as you can tell, my mother doesn’t seem to be in favor of anything gay. My father on the other hand is a bit more understanding. He is not as religious and he is a bit more secular in his beliefs. I feel like if I told him that I am gay, he would not react that badly. My father has actually defended gay marriage in front of my mother, the balls on that man haha. He obviously won’t throw me a parade but I doubt he will react in a malicious manner. My two older brothers are also pretty liberal so I think they will be pretty supportive of me. And all my friends would probably support me too. BTW, my family and friends have no clue of my homosexuality.


    I’ve looked at the pros and cons of coming out and the pros seem to out weigh the cons. I have a full ride scholarship to college so I don’t have to worry about my parents withdrawing their financial support ,which I don’t expect they will. The only thing I am afraid of is hurting my mother. She is finally getting her life together after the nasty divorce and she is planning on moving out of state to start her new life. I don’t want to cause her life to be derailed or anything because of this “horrific” news. I want to come out to my family. I would love them to meet my future boyfriends, I would love for them to be at my wedding. I know I am going to have to tell them some day, but when? I have contemplated coming out for a couple years now and it doesn’t seem like my mom has moved any closer to the gay side haha and it doesn’t seem like she ever will if I don’t come out. Writing this, my decision seems simple; come out, but you guys know more than anyone else it is not that simple. I just sort of need some guidance on this issue. I haven’t been this confused since my first spontaneous erection in math class haha. Thank you so much for all the help! And I am sooo sorry for the ungodly length of this post. I just have a lot to say :slight_smile:.


    TL;DR 18 male going off to college, I want to come out to family but mother is low key homophobic and I am low key a mama’s boy, not really though, we are just close. Rest of family and friends seem like this would be cool with it. Should I come out, when, how? Any help is appreciated. ty ty
     
  2. TempUsername3

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    New Zealand
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Thank god for the TL;DR. No offense, just too sleepy to read.

    First of all, is it safe for you to come out? Do you have a plan if things go south?
    Next, are you ready? Do you feel ready? No one is forcing you in anyway?
    Last, do you have friends to help give you some emotional support? Its good having friends to talk to after stuff goes down.