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Coming out again?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by dre05, Sep 10, 2015.

  1. dre05

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2015
    Messages:
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    Location:
    orlando
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I'm Dre and I need help coming out for the second time,
    I guess to revive the best help ill have to tell you the whole story..
    Ever since I was little I was curious with other girls. I was caught a couple of times experimenting with girls since the age of 4 however my parent seemed to see that as just a normal part of a child learning about the body. At about the age of 12 I was secretly involved(sexually) with a girl that my mom babysat and she never found out about that. At the age of 13 I was involved sexually and emotionally with my best friend and obviously my parents never knew because we were "best friends" and I didn't know anything about LGBT labels I just knew it felt good. At the age of 14 my freshman year of high school I met a girl (I will call her A for the rest of the message). I became close friends with her and she would come to my house at least 3 times a week we were also in marching band together. Eventually A came out to me and told me she liked me and that she was a lesbian at that point I realized that I liked her too I found myself loving every minute I spent with her. We declared our relationship soon after that and I decided I was ready to come out to my friends. Everyone treated me fine and I was falling in love with A. about 8 month later my mom saw me hanging out with A and some of her friends (who dressed like boys) and I guess that raised her antenna. That same day we were in the car and she asked me very directly "are you a lesbian?" I responded to her with a yes thinking it would all be ok... she yelled all the way home made me cry told me I was confused and that I needed to stop seeing A. when we got home I locked myself in my room and later that night when my dad got home my mom yelled for me to come out of my room and said "do you have something to tell your father?" at this point I was confused and scared because I didn't know I was doing something wrong I didn't know why she was so mad so I didn't respond. My mom proceeded to yell "your daughter is a lesbian" to my dad. i screamed and ran back to my room. My parent then dragged me out of my room put me in the car and took me to A's house when we got there they talked to A's dad and he knew she was gay but he thought she had superseded it he didn't know she was involved with a girl. He brought A out and A told my mom and dad how much she loved me and asked them why it was so bad. My mom said "you did this, my daughter is not gay!" and we left. My parent took my phone and told me that I could no longer see A.
    Being in band I was able to still see her in school and at after school practices and I knew I didn't want to stop seeing someone that loved me and who I loved so much.
    Apparently my mom knew someone who worked at the school and who would tell her whenever she saw me with A. One day I came home and my mom asked me if I was still seeing A and I lied and said no (but she knew) so she told me my dad had asked for a job transfer and I had a week left I school. 2 days later I was called rout of class my mom had packed all of my stuff and we were moving that day! I was horrified! I didn't get to say good bye to anyone.
    For the next 2 years of high school I had 2 boyfriends in attempt to hide myself from my parents but I was seeing girls behind their back. At one point I was in a relationship with a girl who was my best friend in my mom's eyes. And I never cut communication with A.
    As soon as I graduated high school I was on a plane out of the country and I was happy that I could finally be free..
    Now here's the real issue, since what I was used to was hiding I was scared that they would cut me off so I found a guy who made me happy. This guy is really great and we have been together for 3 years and he has talked about marriage and a future but I'm not 100% happy there's still a part of me that knows I'm just lying to avoid the pain. I love him but I know there is something missing.
    I recently graduated college and I moved back with my parents because I needed a place to transition from college life to adulthood and I left my boyfriend behind( we are holding a long distance relationship until November). My parent smoked back to the area whole the whole thing happened and they have expressed to me that they are concerned that A is going to try to get in contact with me. What they don't know is that we have never stopped talking, for the past 6 years I have kept in contact with her. Now is the real hard part. I saw A four days ago. And I realized I loved her still I love the way she makes me feel not only because of our history but because of who she is. Now I find myself between a rock and a hard place because I'm burdened with the fact that I'm in a relationship where I'm not fully happy and I'm living with my parents with no independence. I want to be honest with everyone because for all of these years I have been a liar and now I'm really suffocating. But I can tiring myself to hurting so many people I find myself trying to convince myself that I am ok and that I can just get married and give my parents the daughter that they want with children and a husband but I don't think I can.

    I want to just come out and hope that they will finally be understanding and realize that it wasn't a phase. But I also know that if I come out now they will automatically put A in the picture and think that she is trying to come back in and tear me away from them.

    Sorry for such a long message.
    Thanks for the help!
    DRE (*hug*)