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should i come out to my mom?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by fairlylocal, Sep 12, 2015.

  1. fairlylocal

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    short intro: i'm 15 and female. i have some major exams coming up in a month and i'm pretty gay. if i don't come out within the next week, i won't want/have the opportunity to do it until next year. or ever. so...

    my mom isn't very religious but she's extremely traditionalist and conservative. i don't live in the US but ever since they legalized same-sex marriage there, she's been talking a lot of shit about it. i asked her what she'd do if she had a gay child and she said "i don't know. but if god forbid you get a wife, you go to US and never come see me again. i hope i don't have to see this happen in my generation."

    we don't have the best relationship. no affection. she gets angry at me for never telling her anything (this was a huge deal) so i do want to fix this. but to be completely honest about myself, i have to come out to her. however i don't want to do it too close to the exams so the time frame i'm giving myself is by next week. i want to do it on a day when i have school (in case she's going to scream at me, i don't want it to be during a time when we are around each other 24/7) so the post-exam holidays isn't a good time either.

    the plan i have is to either text or call her while i am still in school. i want to be in control of the conversation. i want to say the right words so she doesn't have the chance to guilt trip me as she always does. i can foresee myself feeling so bad for being a disappointing child that i'll tell her it was all just a cruel joke or that i'll let her find a boyfriend for me in the future. anyway i don't want that to happen. i have to harden myself. i don't want her to try and cure me like she said she would. i want her to get it. hell, i'd kick myself out of the house to guilt trip her for making me feel constantly fearful that she'd do something to me. that sounds like a shitty idea but anyway, that's the length i would go to for this one chance to work out. she's definitely not going to be receptive. that i can guarantee.

    so what do you think? should i do it? if yes how should i go about it? (thanks in advance!)
     
  2. Chiroptera

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    Hey fairlylocal, welcome to EC!

    If you are at risk, or if you aren't finnancially independent yet, then, unfortunatelly, the best option may be to avoid coming out to her for now.

    Then, you can plan your future, and wait until you can move out and live by your own, if things go bad.

    Always remember that your safety is a priority.

    Always remember: There is nothing wrong with you. You aren't a disappointing child. You are completely normal.

    The problem lies on the prejudice. If she is blinded by it, it isn't your fault. Do not blame yourself.

    In resume: I think it is nice to come out, but, if you have to wait until you have a backup plan in the case things go wrong, then wait. Your safety should always be the priority, do not risk it. Wait until you are independent.
     
  3. fairlylocal

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    that's reassuring! thank you a lot!

    but i doubt that she's going to kick me out. she cares about her reputation too much - she'd have a lot to explain if she kicked me out.

    and admittedly she does love her children. but she loves the concept of an ideal child more than that so she's definitely not going to accept it if i came out.

    she's not going to abandon me. my largest concern is how it'll affect our relationship, and how she might send me to therapy for this. i bet she'll think i'm queer because i was sexually abused by a male person.

    i still really want to do it, though, because i'm not sure i can in the future. but i'm scared. so thank you for the input. i'll keep that in mind!