My story...

...Begins

(My apologies if the story seems to drag )
We all battle a struggle in some way; psychologically, physically, emotionally, etc. Some of these struggles start at a very young age. As for me, my inner struggle began at a very young age, probably around age 4/5. I always was attracted to men. Like many of us, I was raised in a strict hetero atmosphere with little to no knowledge of the LGBTQIA community. I was fortunate to have very loving and accepting parents and sadly I did lose my father over 5 years ago, so I will never be able to directly tell him about who I am.

Over the past 18 years I knew for sure that I was attracted to men, even my first masturbation was about a boy in school I had a crush on. I tried to hide and suppress it with thoughts of women but did not really get off on them (for lack of better terms ). Does not mean I found obviously hot women hot, I just kept trying to block out the true natural urge. I had one true female relationship, but it went nowhere. I was a bigger kid (well, not FAT, but thick) and had self image issues. I began to have severe depression and even a few bouts with anorexia (I guess it is rare for a man to have it). At age 16 I began experimenting with high THC content mary jane to hide the urge even further. This daily process lasted an accumulated 7 years with little alcohol use. While intoxicated, the urge would show itself and I would mast. about men. I got clean and pushed the urge to back again as I was focused on quitting my addiction. The urge would still present itself daily and the struggle to accept it began to really set in. After I found out my father was going to pass, I relapsed for an accumulated 2 years after being clean for about 2 years. I began to get severe muscle spasms during the relapse (while intoxicated) and decided that I must quit forever. I have been clean for about 42 months now.

In early 2014, I finally began to realize that I must address my true hidden self. I would cry myself to sleep some nights when I was younger because I could not accept myself or understand why. I thought that since I (thought) liked men and women I was bisexual. I cut off my LONG hair (and donated it of course) but kept my beard. I outed myself to my mother, brother, sister, my best friend and a few friends at my old job. I tried so hard to find women, but its like they are different species to me (no offense ladies! ). Over the past few months I very slowly began to accept that I am truly gay and outed myself to a married (straight) couple that I have known for years a few nights ago. It felt so wonderful to finally say "I am gay!" to close friends and they were very accepting and very happy that I had the courage to finally accept my true self.

If you have made it this far, thank you very much for reading! Now that I am who I always was, a new chapter can finally be written that needed to be written YEARS ago.

edit: I want to cry right now after reading all this. I can finally be happy! Why did it take so long? There is nothing to be ashamed of! It is who I am! I AM A GAY MAN!

 

Thank you for the support everyone! I plan to out myself to more friends and my (immediate) family very soon. I really dislike facebok, but I do get on a few times a year for about a week at a time. If I do release info about myself, I will write a heartfelt message for all to see. Of course that would happen AFTER I tell all my close friends and family.(&&&)

 

So... I just kinda hinted to my brother about the news. I asked for one of his best friend's phone# (who has been openly gay since childhood) just so I can physically talk to him about some stuff. Let's call him "k". K has a boyfriend (who is WAY out of my league anyway) so this is certainly not an attempt to take K away, just to talk. I'll let y'all know how it goes, K is a really nice guy and hilarious, just like everyone here!

 

My story continues...

Today I officially came out as gay to my mother. She was very accepting and even said "I knew for awhile". That was a relief to finally let her in the know. Later on, I called my brother (in Texas) and told him as well. He also was very accepting. I plan to tell my sister and her husband this weekend. I know that will go over well too, just need to do it. I also wore a gay pride shirt today too. When I was grocery shopping, I got looks from almost everyone, even a "Hey. OH HEY!!! " look from a guy. Some women stared, others didn't. One of the baggers at the checkout line literally stopped what he was doing and stared at me blankly for a solid 8-10 seconds, like if he was frozen. I just smiled and shrugged my shoulders as I walked by him.

 

Thank you again everyone! (*hug*)