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Coming Out Advice A supportive place to ask for and give advice about coming out. Includes a sub-forum for posting stories about your coming out experiences.

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Old 4th Jan 2009, 04:39 PM   #1
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Default Meet other closet gays?

Hey,
I'm gay but can't come out. I'm scared and I'll whole-heartedly admit it. I haven't ever told anyone and I'm ridiculously uncomfortable with the whole gay thing. At the minute I prefer people thinking I'm straight and I do kiss girls when I'm out quite a lot. Part of the problem is probably that I do quite well with ladies for some reason and even ended up kissing a really hot girl last night (I don't string people along though). I suppose I'm shallow and pathetic and like the esteem boost, but it works.

Recently I've been thinking I'd really like to meet a bloke in the same situation as me who feels like I do about the whole thing. I'd love to meet a guy I liked for a bit of 'action' ...and a bit of proper affection too . I probably should mention I've never had sex - with anyone. not even close to be honest despite a few soul-destroying opportunities . I'm 21, soon to be 22 and I don't want to waste my youth. Do you think meeting another 'closet case' would be my best plan of action and most importantly does anyone know any good websites where I could do this (either UK or Irish based, I live in Northern Ireland)?? Info would be much appreciated.

I'm sure a lot of people will say I should just come out and accept it but that's not an option. I don't understand this whole 'gay pride' thing, I don't understand what there is to be proud of. I'd happily cut 50 years off my life if it meant I could be straight and I want to meet someone who feels the same to assure myself I'm not mental.
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Old 4th Jan 2009, 04:55 PM   #2
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Default Re: Meet other closet gays?

umm i was gonna say u shuld go step by step and trust a friend... but if wat u want is to "be straight" at leat I think that u culd neve be happy that way ._. at least that is wat i think xD
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Old 4th Jan 2009, 05:11 PM   #3
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Default Re: Meet other closet gays?

i tried doing the whole "action" thing before i got comfortable with liking guys and it really didn't end well. The physical act is only a small part of what it means to be gay, bi or otherwise.

My recommendation is to spend some time on the forums and read peoples posts and make friends. blow up peoples walls and inboxes for advice on how to become comfortable with this part of yourself and move on with your life.

Now I'm bi, but I tend to lean towards the gay side and I know what your apprehensions are. Not all of the world likes us. But being gay doesn't mean that you have to change anything. I still Fish, and Camp, and Do martial arts. You don't have to dress from head to toe in Pink and run around screaming "I'm gay" at the top of your lungs! Take a look at my profile, you can be who you are and still be gay. You just have less limitations now.

Don't worry about wasting your youth. there are people on here who didn't come out until their fifties, or hell, even realize it to themselves. Your in the right place. Just be patient and remember that everything that happens in our relationships follows the same patterns as our spiritual as well as psychological growth.

If you are brutally uncomfortable with your sexuality now, you will still be brutally uncomfortable in a relationship male or female.

Just relax, take a deep breathe. You like guys.... and there's not a damned thing wrong with that.

Welcome to the Dark side.... We have cookies!!
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Old 4th Jan 2009, 05:23 PM   #4
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Default Re: Meet other closet gays?

Welcome to EC!

First for all I would wait until you become more comfortable with yourself before you decide to start to date guys. As Pendrin said, this forum is great for advice and as a resource for discovering who you are. You are still young and have a whole life in front of you. I am 40 and with in the past year or so just became comfortable with the fact I am gay. Once I became comfortable with myself I became truly happy and started to date myself. There is no need to rush anything until you are sure in who you are. If you need anything feel free to PM me or anyone else on EC.
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Old 4th Jan 2009, 05:53 PM   #5
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Default Re: Meet other closet gays?

Coming to terms with being gay is hard for alot of people.
I, myself,never did the back & forth thing,but many people do.
Admitting to yourself,that your gay, is probably one of the hardest things you'll ever do.
But it's something only you can do.
Others can give you advice and you can read others stories.( it is quite helpful) but,in
the end,it's you who has to decide which direction your life is going in.
Perhaps it would be a good idea to involve yourself in gay youth groups or seek a professional to help guide you. I wish you the best.
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Old 4th Jan 2009, 06:05 PM   #6
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Default Re: Meet other closet gays?

http://www.emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=684 i think this can really help u =D
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Old 4th Jan 2009, 08:42 PM   #7
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Default Re: Meet other closet gays?

Quote:
Originally Posted by justletgo87 View Post
Hey,
I'm gay but can't come out. I'm scared and I'll whole-heartedly admit it. I haven't ever told anyone and I'm ridiculously uncomfortable with the whole gay thing. At the minute I prefer people thinking I'm straight and I do kiss girls when I'm out quite a lot. Part of the problem is probably that I do quite well with ladies for some reason and even ended up kissing a really hot girl last night (I don't string people along though). I suppose I'm shallow and pathetic and like the esteem boost, but it works.

Recently I've been thinking I'd really like to meet a bloke in the same situation as me who feels like I do about the whole thing. I'd love to meet a guy I liked for a bit of 'action' ...and a bit of proper affection too . I probably should mention I've never had sex - with anyone. not even close to be honest despite a few soul-destroying opportunities . I'm 21, soon to be 22 and I don't want to waste my youth. Do you think meeting another 'closet case' would be my best plan of action and most importantly does anyone know any good websites where I could do this (either UK or Irish based, I live in Northern Ireland)?? Info would be much appreciated.

I'm sure a lot of people will say I should just come out and accept it but that's not an option. I don't understand this whole 'gay pride' thing, I don't understand what there is to be proud of. I'd happily cut 50 years off my life if it meant I could be straight and I want to meet someone who feels the same to assure myself I'm not mental.
We can't give out dating websites here its against the code of conduct. However, I would just hang out for awhile and get a feel for what others here have gone through. I think you can really benefit from this website. I hope eventually you will be able to be proud of who you are.
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Old 4th Jan 2009, 09:11 PM   #8
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Default Re: Meet other closet gays?

Quote:
Originally Posted by justletgo87 View Post
I'm sure a lot of people will say I should just come out and accept it but that's not an option. I don't understand this whole 'gay pride' thing, I don't understand what there is to be proud of. I'd happily cut 50 years off my life if it meant I could be straight and I want to meet someone who feels the same to assure myself I'm not mental.
Can I ask why is it not an option for you to come out?

For me coming out and starting to live openly was not a pride thing. I felt like you did and eventually figured I had two choices. I could live alone and sad wondering what if, or I could could turn the bow into the wave and live my life.
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Old 4th Jan 2009, 09:46 PM   #9
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Default Re: Meet other closet gays?

I think maybe you have preconceptions of what it means to be gay. You don't have to run around in pink flowers. It just means you prefer guys.

Now, accepting yourself is hard, sure, but it's definitely something you should work out. Coming out IS an option, and the only good one in the long run if you ask me! Look around the forum, read some people's stories and struggles, and I think you'll realize you can be gay and happy and normal. It's understandable at this stage you really wish you weren't gay, but give it time and you'll see being gay is not all bad, very far from it.

As for coming out, I'd recommend talking to someone you feel comfortable with, your best friend, someone in your family, whatever. Someone you trust. You don't have to say OH I'M GAY, but just explain your situation and what you're thinking. I never fully accepted myself until I had told a good number of my friends.

Good luck!
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Old 5th Jan 2009, 03:37 AM   #10
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Default Re: Meet other closet gays?

Online dating overall is a good way to meet closeted gays, many of whom will be in your own situation - I don't know any sites off hand because I'm not really into internet dating but I'm you could google some.

But my question is, why are you limiting yourself to other closeted guys?

I'm sure it would be 'easier' to find another guy that's not feminine, not a 'pride parader' and will have respect for your closeted state.

Either way, good luck!
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Old 5th Jan 2009, 06:19 AM   #11
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Default Re: Meet other closet gays?

You don't have to be 'out' to be proud of who you are. Just not advertising the fact you like guys!

I'm still closeted (besides my parents) but its no-one elses business what (and who) i do in the bedroom!

You'll probably feel that you've already wasted your youth, i know i did! I was single until i was 21 aswell.
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Old 5th Jan 2009, 07:14 AM   #12
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Default Re: Meet other closet gays?

Hi justletgo87. I don't think you should ever feel under pressure to "come out". No one on here knows, but I browsed the forums for a bit before joining, and it was that that gave me to confidence to "come out"; seeing that sexually unorthodox persons were in fact absolutely normal, having nice, normal conversations! Even though I'd spent years penting things up, confiding in very few individuals and doing some rather stupid things, and praying - all of which probably helped in sum, but none of which was itself a means to a happy ending.

Just passively observing clean, safe normality on this site has given me so much confidence... I now have a boyfriend and am introducing him to all my friends. Nine months ago I was close to suicide. Even 3 months ago I wouldn't have expected this.

So (and apologies for writing about myself, but I hope it will inspire you in some way; although I know NI is somewhat less openminded than England), my advice would be not to try to get into any form of gay lifestyle, especially not hidden, but to talk to people online first. This should give you some sort of shadow indication as to how comfortable you are with who/what which you can develop into personal acceptance and application to real life.

Others may disagree!
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Old 5th Jan 2009, 11:58 AM   #13
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Default Re: Meet other closet gays?

Welcome to EC!

Let me join the chorus in stating that hooking up with another closeted guy isn't probably the best idea. For one thing, sex tends to be a lot better when at least one participant knows what the heck they're doing. And secondly, chances are it'll reinforce the problem you're having - the feeling that your sexuality is something to hide.

As far as "gay pride" goes? Yeah, I didn't get it at first, either. I'm not proud of my sexuality, any more than I'm proud of being right-handed. But here's the thing - "pride" is the opposite of "shame". And whereas I'm not proud of my sexuality necessarily, I am most certainly NOT ashamed of it. Everything "gay pride" flows directly from that. The idea that homosexuality may not necessarily be a point of pride, but it should NOT be a point of embarrassment or shame. It may take a bit of work to trace the line from there to guys in rainbow short-shorts dancing in a parade, but trust me - it can be done.

I know that NI isn't an ideal place for homosexuality. Even the "gay scene" there is pretty tepid and regimented, from what I've heard. About the only advice I can give there is this - move. Plan to move. To England, to some of the bigger US cities, somewhere. Life can totally kick ass as an out homosexual. Trust me on that one.

Lex
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Old 5th Jan 2009, 12:36 PM   #14
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Default Re: Meet other closet gays?

Trust me, don't go after closet guys.

They make your life hell.
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Old 5th Jan 2009, 03:37 PM   #15
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Default Re: Meet other closet gays?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lexington View Post
Welcome to EC!

Let me join the chorus in stating that hooking up with another closeted guy isn't probably the best idea. For one thing, sex tends to be a lot better when at least one participant knows what the heck they're doing. And secondly, chances are it'll reinforce the problem you're having - the feeling that your sexuality is something to hide.

As far as "gay pride" goes? Yeah, I didn't get it at first, either. I'm not proud of my sexuality, any more than I'm proud of being right-handed. But here's the thing - "pride" is the opposite of "shame". And whereas I'm not proud of my sexuality necessarily, I am most certainly NOT ashamed of it. Everything "gay pride" flows directly from that. The idea that homosexuality may not necessarily be a point of pride, but it should NOT be a point of embarrassment or shame. It may take a bit of work to trace the line from there to guys in rainbow short-shorts dancing in a parade, but trust me - it can be done.

I know that NI isn't an ideal place for homosexuality. Even the "gay scene" there is pretty tepid and regimented, from what I've heard. About the only advice I can give there is this - move. Plan to move. To England, to some of the bigger US cities, somewhere. Life can totally kick ass as an out homosexual. Trust me on that one.

Lex
Just because your closeted, doesn't mean you don't know what your doing.

Life can still kick ass even if your not out.

He asked 'where' he can meet other closeted guys, so advice that he should come out isn't realy going to help him.
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Old 5th Jan 2009, 03:39 PM   #16
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Default Re: Meet other closet gays?

Hello and welcome to EC

I think the others have pretty much covered everything that needs to be said. Oh well.

I'm in a similar situation to you; although I've told a couple of people I'm still uncomfortable about my sexuality. You say that you want to be straight, but as you haven't been stringing girls along, I suppose you know that could never work. As Lex said, Gay Pride isn't about the parades, it's about being confident and comfortable about yourself and accepting that you're gay and that its nothing bad, it should be liberating.

I'd say look through the forums, read a few posts because there are loads out there of people in similar situations to you and hopefully reading some will make you feel like you're not alone and you're not mental.
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Old 5th Jan 2009, 03:58 PM   #17
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Default Re: Meet other closet gays?

Don't worry about comming out just take your time, as for being uncomfortable well thats understandable too. I also do really well with the ladies at my school, but I never lead them to believe that I was interested. Funny that just attracts them more, but it's ok that you feel that way. You're just trying to fit in, because being gay does make you an outcast socially. (harsh words but I mean well ) I know how lonely you feel because I'm in a similar situation,(I'm a lot younger I know but with pain comes wisdom) I always wanted someone there for me who I could hold tight to make my world feel safe and happy. I really think meeting someone else in the closet would be a great thing at this point in your life where you just wan't someone to talk to about the same stuff your going through. I don't know anything about how to go about doing that sorry If you don't feel ready thats ok, but weather or not you show it on the outside you should always be proud of who and what you are on the inside. I really get that you can't feel that now so just hang in there and sort things out.
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Old 5th Jan 2009, 05:41 PM   #18
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Default Re: Meet other closet gays?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SAGUY84 View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lexington View Post
Welcome to EC!

Let me join the chorus in stating that hooking up with another closeted guy isn't probably the best idea. For one thing, sex tends to be a lot better when at least one participant knows what the heck they're doing. And secondly, chances are it'll reinforce the problem you're having - the feeling that your sexuality is something to hide.

As far as "gay pride" goes? Yeah, I didn't get it at first, either. I'm not proud of my sexuality, any more than I'm proud of being right-handed. But here's the thing - "pride" is the opposite of "shame". And whereas I'm not proud of my sexuality necessarily, I am most certainly NOT ashamed of it. Everything "gay pride" flows directly from that. The idea that homosexuality may not necessarily be a point of pride, but it should NOT be a point of embarrassment or shame. It may take a bit of work to trace the line from there to guys in rainbow short-shorts dancing in a parade, but trust me - it can be done.

I know that NI isn't an ideal place for homosexuality. Even the "gay scene" there is pretty tepid and regimented, from what I've heard. About the only advice I can give there is this - move. Plan to move. To England, to some of the bigger US cities, somewhere. Life can totally kick ass as an out homosexual. Trust me on that one.

Lex
Just because your closeted, doesn't mean you don't know what your doing.

Life can still kick ass even if your not out.

He asked 'where' he can meet other closeted guys, so advice that he should come out isn't realy going to help him.
Just because a piece of advice doesn't answer his question, it doesn't mean that it isn't helpful.
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Old 5th Jan 2009, 06:06 PM   #19
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Default Re: Meet other closet gays?

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Originally Posted by Felismargarita View Post
Just because a piece of advice doesn't answer his question, it doesn't mean that it isn't helpful.
I've been in the same situation as the OP. Whilst it may help other people reading the thread, it wont help him!
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Old 6th Jan 2009, 07:30 AM   #20
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Default Re: Meet other closet gays?

Me again!

I knew people would encourage me to confide in someone, which is completely understandable, but I don't feel ready to do that at all. I'm more comfortable now than I ever was before but sadly that still amounts to 'ridiculously uncomfortable' (i.e. I'm not severly depressed like I was 6 months ago). As for coming out being 'not an option' I have countless reasons. Basically all my friends are homophobic and/or very religious.

As Johnny123 and Lexington mentioned NI isn't the best place to be gay (google 'iris robinson' to give you a flavour). Sadly here it's much cooler to be homophobic than to be gay, or even indifferent. My friends and family seem to follow that trend (that makes them sound horrible and they really aren't at all - that's the problem). I'm ultimately confused and scared - I get that.

As for meeting another closet gay guy, I just want someone to talk to without bias in either direction. Being 21 and never been touched is pretty frustrating too as you can imagine, think I just need a bit of affection to keep me sane (as mortifying as that is to say). I suppose I feel ready to have a gay relationship, albeit in secret, but not ready to 'be gay' (don't worry, I perfectly aware that this is a totally nonsensical statement). I know myself well enough to know I may never come out, I can be pretty avoidant of problems. Life's hard enough without having your sexuality being an issue.

Thanks a lot for all the replies guys, seriously, I really appreciate them. I went from nobody knowing I was gay to loads of people indirectly knowing (even if you don't know me personally). Feels like a mini weight has lifted. Sounds like you all know yourselves inside out which is really admirable.
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