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Afraid of Myself

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Tim, Jan 5, 2009.

  1. Tim

    Tim
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    Yes, yet another issue in the mind of Tim. Trust me, I'm getting sick of it too.

    So, essentially, I had a blog up, but decided against it, and just made it private (mods can read them of course, but *shrug* It let me vent it) Long story short, sister yelled at me for the millionth time, and essentially, I zoned out and managed to cut myself with a pair of nail clippers.

    After that, I just got really depressed... more than usual, and after a few minutes, decided I didn't want to sit on the computer, so I went upstairs to my room like usual. After 2 hours of sitting there doing nothing (Can't find my spiral notebook I write in...) I came back downstairs.

    I'm afraid to go to sleep. Afraid of what I might do WHEN I go to sleep. If I end up cutting my finger when I zone out, I don't want to know what might happen when I fall asleep. I don't have anyone to talk to offline, and as I said in the blog before I took it down (like 2 hours after I put it up <_<), I just don't know what to do, and I'm scared.

    Coming Out helped me, as it relieved a lot of my stress and feelings that I had trapped inside me, but in reality, all I feel it's done after that is cause more issues and more isolation from my family. They say they accept me, but ever since I came out, they don't talk to me, they barely acknowledge I'm here unless they want to yell at me, and blame everything on me. If I walked out the door this morning, and jumped in the ocean, intent on killing myself, they wouldn't notice for a week unless I left my room door open. I once stayed in my room writing for a few days without coming out, and they never even checked on me until 4 days later.

    My mom says she wants me to talk to her, but whenever I do, she shrugs everything off, my sister whom I used to be close to just yells at me all the time, because I can't find a job, she assumes and believes I'm not trying to find one, and my other sister was hell to me for years, and although she's been MUCH more caring for me lately, as she knows I'm going through a lot, there's just those years that are keeping me from talking to her. My friends have stopped contacting me, and never are there when I try to contact them, so I really do have no one left.

    Now that last 2 paragraphs just made me feel like I'm repeating what I said in my last post, so I'm going to stop now. I'll be awake until I pass out (my record is 7 days), but I'll probably try to drown things out with a movie or a game for now...
     
  2. cjtom

    cjtom Guest

    Having read that through a couple of times I feel I can relate to some of it. Sometimes things just seem to get on top of you and you just feel you have nobody to talk to and nobody who cares. This is not the case! I promise you there are people who care about you in real life and online and I'm sure will be more than happy to listen. (Including myself and many others here at EC! Don't hesistate to PM me about anything, I'm told i'm a good listener!)

    I admire the fact that you keep a notebook as this can be very therapeutic and is a way to express yourself and release your thoughts on paper.

    I also admire the fact that you accept yourself and have come out! I know that must have helped you accept yourself and have faith in yourself! You can't let yourself get lost in your depression. Just remain strong and you can get through the worst of the lows!

    Perhaps talking to your doctor about some of this may help. They will be far more experienced in dealing with matters like this?!

    Just remember that you are not alone! (*hug*)

    Sorry I can't help more.
     
  3. Rosina

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    I can only add this to what Tom's said, as I'd only be repeating that you're never alone. You never are, I promise too! If you feel there's no one around you that you can talk to, they are plenty of people on here that can help and love to listen.

    One of things that struck me is that you're afraid to sleep. Zoning-out and sleeping are very different things. When you zone-out you're still concious, when you're asleep, your sub-concious takes over. When you sleep, your sub-concious 'disengages' your muscles so you don't move too much when you sleep (like moving in response to dreams). Only in really rare cases will people sleep-walk and such. I very highly doubt you'll hurt yourself sleeping :slight_smile: In fact, you're doing more harm to yourself not sleeping because sleep is a time when your body relaxes, repairs and grows....

    Also, you say your mum wants to talk, but when you do, she's not bothered. This is something that needs to be addressed. Perhaps when she's not busy with something, just tell here straight "I'm confused, you say you want to talk, but when I do, you don't seem to want to. Do I just keep coming to you at the wrong times?" She'll tell you what's going on in her world, and that should sort out that problem.

    Siblings are ticker, but as time goes on, they get better. I wouldn't let it bother you. They probably don't seem as bad as they did when they were ten or so, do they?

    We all here for you, mate (*hug*)
     
  4. Mirko

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    Hi there! As the other members have said, know that you are never alone. We are all here for you. (*hug*)

    Please, if you can refrain from cutting or harming yourself. Harming yourself is not the answer and doesn't solve anything. In fact, it might make things worse. If you can, try to get some help. I don't know if you have done so in the past, but please try talking to a counselor/therapist. There are a number of things that you have mentioned that need to be addressed for your own well being.

    Find a time where you can sit down with your mom and just talk with her. Tell her the exact same thing that you mentioned in your post. Also, ask her directly 'you want me to talk to you, but every time I do, you don't seem to be concerned, but these are things where you should be concerned about' and see what she says.

    As for your sister, tell her in no uncertain terms that she should stop assuming and yelling at you. She is not your mother and has no right to treat you in this way. I know you have probably done this in the past, but you need to stand up for yourself and make this clear to her.

    When it comes to your other sister, and even though you didn't have a close relationship with her in the past, I think she might be trying to come closer and to understand you. Maybe your sister has realized some of her mistakes and wrongs. In fact, if you can develop a closer relationship with her, it might also allow your mom and your other sister to see things a bit differently. Try not to distance yourself from her. Try to say to yourself, "what happened in the past happened. It can not be changed. But I can change the future." And honestly this is the most important thing here: your future. You have gone through a lot and these are things that you can change. If there is someone that shows concern and is will to help don’t ignore them, because that help can help you to overcome some of the things that you are dealing with.

    I'm sorry that your friends are not there for you and that you have a hard time getting in touch with them. Have you maybe tried building new friendships, or getting to know some new people? If you feel that it's time to find some new friends (and even though it will take a bit of time) by all means do so. Try to join an activity in your community or perhaps even a GLBT support group if you haven't done so yet. Maybe that will help you to get to know some new people.

    I hope this helps a bit!